


Let's Sew Ourselves Together So We Can Hug Forever

by hansungchan



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Brutal Murder, Communication Failure, Drama, Established Nomin, Established Relationship, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Jealousy, M/M, Masturbation, Mental Instability, Misunderstandings, Murder, Mutilation, Obsession, Obsessive Behavior, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Possessive Behavior, Rape/Non-con Elements, Roommates, Slow Burn, Thriller, Unrequited Love, Voyeurism, Yandere, bec they suck at it, but they try their best, or maybe it doesn't get better who knows
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:26:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 28
Words: 83,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23875420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hansungchan/pseuds/hansungchan
Summary: Sometimes Renjun wished he could rewind time if only so he could experience those days again. With the people he spent his youth with.But that’s only wishful thinking given now that he's in college. And one’s gotta move forward if they want to succeed in life. He sighed and put the framed photograph inside the drawer, hiding it instead. He looks around once he's finished unpacking.The coldness of the room feels a little lonely.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Huang Ren Jun/Liu Yang Yang, Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 60
Kudos: 199





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I know, I already have an on-going series and here I am starting another fanfiction anew. But I just can't resist writing this one. Though before you proceed let me warn you beforehand. This story will get DARKER as the chapters unfold. Or at least, I'd try to make it as dark as I can. I am telling y'all now this will tackle psychological themes, self-harm, non-con sex, smut, and all other content that might be too triggering for the readers. I wouldn't put many tags or say too much because I don't want to spoil. But please read at your own risk.
> 
> Beginning chapters will be as normal as a college AU FF can possibly be. But as I've said, it will get darker as we dig further into the story. Although this is also a mixture of fluff, angst, drama and sliceoflife. Just look at the tags and please take that into consideration before proceeding, thank you. 
> 
> Anyway, kudos and feedbacks are greatly appreciated. Hope you can leave some if you find this story interesting and worth it. Have a good day/night.
> 
> \- sungchan

“WE DID IT!” A boy with a brown tuft of hair exclaimed as he made his way through to his three friends. Holding his graduation cap, he pulled his three friends into a suffocating hug while jumping in joy.

“Jesus Christ Donghyuck, chill. Everyone’s looking.” The tallest one, Jaemin, with adorable pink hair that suited his features perfectly, chuckled.

Donghyuck huffed as he pulled out from the hug. “Who the hell cares, bitch?! It’s GRADUATION! They at least owe us a moment of sobbing our shit out after years of school drama and tortures that comes in a way of projects and fucking exams!”

“Yeah, but I do. Can you at least tone it down? I swear to God, every moment I spent with you is the most embarrassing ones in my life,” Renjun said this time.

“How can you be embarrassed being with _the_ Lee Donghyuck?! Bitch, I’m the one embarrassed with your ugly ass!”

“Geez, hyung! I know you’ve graduated high school and you’re almost on your way to adulthood but I’d really love to bleach your mouth sometimes. Just to purify that.” A boy, with faded orange hair, appeared with another boy more petite who wore a green hair color.

“Oh shut up, Jisung! You bitches are no fun to be with. Anyway, let’s throw our graduation caps!”

“Isn’t that a little dramatic tho? We’re in a gymnasium packed with students and their terrifying... _parents_. We can’t just throw our caps, can we?” Donghyuck’s cousin, Lee Jeno, protested while his arms slung with the pink-haired boy.

“Of course we can, dumbass. It’s our last day in this school, we better make the best out of it.”

“You mean, make the most humiliating scene out of it,” the green-haired guy, Chenle, countered.

“Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”

“Hitting a random parent’s head?”

“Shut up, Renjun!”

“Now now, let’s not fight. This is the biggest day of your lives! All of your hard work has been paid off. Let’s forget about the rules high school has implemented for the last years and just say fuck it! We’re done here!” Donghyuck’s boyfriend, Mark, who suddenly appeared, spoke out of nowhere. His arms snaking around Donghyuck’s waist in support before giving a kiss to the latter. The others watched and pretended to throw up.

“Yikes, guys. I didn’t come here to witness your ugly kissing faces!” Jisung said.

Donghyuck glares at the youngest, “Oh shut up, Jisung Pwark! I didn’t endure two years in high school just to see you and Chenle act all lovey-dovey all the time either!”

“Okay, can we just throw the graduation caps, guys?”

“A’ight. Since I am the most amazing out of the seven of us, clearly. I’m gonna deliver the speech,” Donghyuck volunteered to go in the middle.

Chenle snorts. “Thought you guys are throwing graduation caps, not making a toast.”

“Shush.” Donghyuck cleared his throat before continuing. “I’ve known you guys since I entered high school. Of course, back then it’s only Junnie and I. Then I met the love of my life, I didn’t know it then. sadly, and the disgustingly NoMin couple. Then a year after, we’ve met the two most hilarious yet embarrassing kiddos to ever walk the hallways of our high school. Sorry to burst out your bubble, but Jisung, I’m _really_ glad you changed your hairstyle after three months. I don’t think I could ever endure hanging out with a kid displaying a hair that puts all the noodles of the earth in shame. Chenle, you know hyung loves you with all the love he could ever give out of his pure heart, but sometimes I really wish you would tone down your laughter because I felt like if I stayed here for another year, my ear’s gonna burst from your laughing. But still, I love you nonetheless. To the NoMin couple, what can I say? You’re disgusting...ly cute. Sometimes, I hate the fact that you’re sweeter than me and this dumbass right here. And to my best friend, the best of the best, Injunnie, I love you. We’ve been through a lot of unfinished homework, failed quizzes, and rushed projects but hey, we made it bitch! And we'll continue making it up till college. Because we have each other. We’ll stick together. And to my love, Mark hyung. You’re the stupidest of them all but I guess I don’t mind because I’m also stupid enough to fall for you.”

Now, Donghyuck hardly becomes emotional. Hell, he’s the person who fancies teasing and is the cause of all humiliation the group has ever encountered. But at times like this, rare times where Donghyuck is sincere and serious, no one can blame them if they get a little teary.

“I love you guys. I guess I’m just really happy and lucky to have experienced this journey to adulthood with you all. And I know a lot of things can happen after this. Throwing our caps isn’t just about throwing _the_ cap, but it also means throwing this stage of life away just so we could greet tomorrow as a better person. But I’ll never forget this. I’ll always remember. Chenle and Jisung, we’ll wait for you two okay? Remember our slogan?”

“Never forget each other and be friends forever!”

“Well, this is it, losers! We’re moving forward! To adulthood!”

“TO ADULTHOOD!”

Jaemin, Jeno, Donghyuck, and Renjun each threw their graduation caps in the air. Jisung and Chenle too busy to avoid the falling caps, but the smile of joy on their faces is something no one can deny. While the oldest, Mark, clap like a proud dad witnessing his sons graduating in high school. Which is plausibly the situation too, but anyway. Once again, the seven boys embraced each other. Then taking hundreds of photos after.

Their actual parents, of course, are with them and gave them bouquets as a gift (all credits from Mr. and Mrs. Huang’s flower shop). They each kissed their sons on their cheeks. Once they exit the venue, the group decided to come over for Chenle’s house that night to meet again after the celebration. So they can commemorate the day on their own.

It was a pleasant day. A bittersweet moment of declaring farewell to yesterday and greeting the uncertainty of dusk till dawn.

Renjun, while lying at the crowd of limbs and bodies surrounding him, sighed contentedly. The night, filled by posting their graduation pics, playing uno cards, and watching horror movies on Netflix, eventually came to an end. Now they were all just a mess lying around Chenle’s room. Though he refused to say anything, Renjun appreciated this kind of moment with his friends. Even the sight of Jaemin and Jeno cuddling at his side is feasible to look at, at least if he’d ignore the little sting in his heart.

Still, Renjun wished the night won’t end.

Unfortunately, all good things come to an end.


	2. Chapter One: "Let’s Try To Move Forward, Alone This Time"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the chapter one y'all~ As I've said, starting chapters will be quite boring and "normal" as one College!AU FF can be. But it is needed for the progress of the story. Also, thank you for the kudos! Enjoy reading :) 
> 
> P.S: Chapters will be written in First Person's POV so if you don't like such, you may close the tab now :)
> 
> \- sungchan

_**Renjun’s** _

If there’s one thing in my mind right now, it is the word “wow”. Because just... _wow_. Never in my entire life have I imagined of actually making it to Seoul. And to top it all off, as a student in one of its prestigious university. Yonsei University.

I bowed at the driver once I exited his cab. Pulling my luggage with me, I look around. Sure, I love Gyeongsang. That simple yet beautiful province I grew up in since I was 8 years old. But Seoul, there’s really a reason why Seoul is considered one of the treasures of South Korea. And I am lucky enough to know the reason now.

The crisp weather that is neither too chilly or too hot kissed my skin. The fresh smell of the trees and the blossoming flowers are really something to be admired of. Since it’s the beginning of the March, the traces of the cold winter that passed by is slowly replaced by the fresh breathe of spring. Seoul is really nice. And its weather. I wish they are here to witness this.

I sighed, moving forward to the direction that leads me to that huge and elegant entrance that belongs to Yonsei University. Even from afar, one can say this school holds a lot of power and history. Like it has indeed molded students from who they are and who they will become to be years from now. I entered the huge gates. But not before taking a few snaps of this beautiful landscape.

The inside is no different. And if I were to be honest, I’d say the interior corresponds to its perfect exterior. Since the university is large, I’d have to ask the lady from the front desk where is the registrar. She pointed me to a certain direction and I thanked her before walking away.

Once I reached the registrar’s office, which is still pretty huge by the way, a lady in her 30s turn towards me in a questioning manner. “Yes, how may I help you?”

“Oh ah, good day. I am Huang Renjun. I’m sort of new. I’m here to pick up my schedules and the keys for my dorm.”

“Just a minute.” The lady typed on her computer screen while I look around the area. The office is pretty empty. So is the hallways outside. Since the first day of school won’t be starting ‘til next Monday, I figured students are yet to come back from their breaks.

“Oh, Huang Renjun. Yes, here’s your schedule. You’re majoring in Graphic Design, am I correct?” I nodded. “Well, let me print this out for you then I’ll sign.”

After a couple of minutes, the lady handed me my now-printed schedule with a seal stamp that says ‘Officially Enrolled’ and this lady’s signature. “Welcome to Yonsei University. I’m Choi Yoon Jung. You can just call me Ms. Choi,” she introduced herself.

“Thank you so much, Ms. Choi.”

“You’re welcome. And here’s the key to your dorm. You’ll be sharing a dorm with a random student. It’s dorm number 33. Third floor in our university’s dormitories. The dormitory is located just beside the university building. You can ask the guards there for directions if you want. And about our dorm’s rules and regulations, well, the university appointed a person to be in charge of the dormitories. I’m rather sure Mrs. Jang will address them.”

I reached for the bronze key she lent me. Bowing my head and offering a small smile with another yet “Thank you”.I bid her a goodbye and exited the huge office, holding the key in my hands.

See, I am not really supposed to be using the dormitories here in Yonsei. At least, that’s not what I planned at first. After graduating from high school, Donghyuck and I decided that we’ll live together if we are both accepted at Yonsei. And we both made it. Hell, after we received the news, I remember Donghyuck staying over at my house for the night just so we could spend the entire evening looking for available apartments that we can live in, near the university of course. And we both found one. Actually, we even spent the whole break getting part-time jobs to add to our savings from before. So we could pay for the advance rental fees and buy the necessary things needed or our ‘new’ apartment. Everything is planned out but at the last minute, my best friend ditched me just because his boyfriend, Mark, offered his own apartment instead. Since, he quote and unquote, “It will be hard to do part-time jobs while studying. And I have a spare room in my apartment. And guess what, I won’t be charging you for it.”

The moment I saw Donghyuck’s eyes sparkle, before peering at me with apologetical eyes, I knew there was no chance we’ll be living together anymore. The traitor was actually nice to me for a whole week since he accepted his bastard of a boyfriend’s offer and turned me down instead. But anyway, at least I got a week-free of meals and snacks, plus he also offered to buy me a new Moomin plushie. I can’t say no to that. But just because I shrugged it off doesn’t mean the bitter aftertaste of what he did to me vanished just like that. I rode the bus this morning going to Seoul, and I sat on that cab throwing curses at Donghyuck.

I was lost in my own thought when I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. I fished it out and saw my cousin, Sicheng, calling.

“Hmm ge?” I answered.

“Hey, I’m so sorry Renjun-ah. I couldn’t help you with the moving. It’s just, Ten ge threw a party last night and I woke up late with a hangover. Oh my God, I feel so terrible and I felt like I abandoned you at the last minute.”

“It’s okay, ge. I understand. Besides, I told you, I am not a kid anymore. I can take care of myself. Just because I’m in Seoul doesn’t mean I’m not in Korea no more. It’s not like I am entering a whole new country.”

“Are you sure? Anyway, are you here now in Seoul? Have you seen your dorm? Met your roommate? Is he nice?”

“Calm down, ge. Yes, I just came here. I picked up my schedule and my dorm key at the university. And I’m on my way to my new dorm.”

“I still think you should've just accepted Jaemin and Jeno’s offer of living with them in their apartment. It'll be much safer. And convenient. What if your roommate is a total dick?”

“Ge, trust me, I’ve dealt enough with such that a new one entering my life couldn't bother me anymore. Also, let’s not talk about _that_. You know very well the reason why I declined. Plus, dorms are convenient too. At least it’s just a walk away from my university. Like, it’s practically just beside the university building. And it’s extra cheaper.”

I heard Sicheng sighed from the other line. “Okay, fine. But I’ll come over tonight okay? Just to check up on you. Be careful, call me if you need me. Bye.”

“Mmm.”

Sicheng hang up the call and I put my phone back in my pockets. I released a deep breath before advancing to the tall building beside the university. I myself isn’t sure either if this is the right choice. But what can I do? It’s not like I can afford to live in an apartment all alone. It’s not possible and at times like this, I felt like I really hate my friends for abandoning me. Fuck Donghyuck.

Hopefully, my roommate’s not an asshole. Even though I said I’m used to them, I can only take so much.

***

The room isn’t so bad. Not too big but not too small. If I’ll estimate it, I think it can fit at least four people inside. Maybe five if you don’t occupy a lot of space for other things. Fortunately for me, I don’t really bring a lot of things. Just the necessary ones like clothes, shoes, a couple of books, and the Moomin plushie Donghyuck gave me last week.

There are two single beds on both sides. And since there are no signs of my roommate still, the decision of which side should go to who was up to me. The university is nice enough to give a small closet for us. The fixed closet on both sides is fairly clean. There’s a window in the middle with blinds. Overall, the room is nicer than I thought and it won’t be hard to adjust.

After a moment of thinking, I decided to go for the left side. Sitting at the comfortable cushion, I only hope my roommate wouldn’t mind. It will be very awkward if he ends up wanting the left side. _Yikes._ Then I started to unpack.

Since I knew I'll be living in the dorms for the forthcoming years, I refused to bring a lot of things. It’s troublesome to choose really. Especially with my Moomin plushies. I still feel sorry for my babies whom I have left in my humble bedroom at Gyeongsang. I brought a few pairs of clothes and a couple of shoes. I settled them all in their separate places. Then I changed the bedsheets. Cleaning a little, before putting up my EXO posters at my side of the wall. Then I placed my personal belongings at the mini drawer situated at the end of my single bed.

While unpacking, a picture frame caught my attention. I remembered all too well the day it was taken. It was 8th grade. The very first photo we took as a group.

I run my hand at the faces I’ve grown to know in the photograph. Here, the background belongs to the all-too-familiar park near our high school. The tree we always sat under on is apparent. There is Chenle, and his pretty smile. Sometimes I find it weird that I can hear his very... _unique_ laughter while solely looking at his beaming face. Beside him is the boy I remembered I teased the first time because of his ridiculous curly noodle-like hair. Park Jisung, the youngest in our group. And then there’s Mark, the oldest, But somehow we managed to be friends with him. He’s cool. But stupid, most of the time. And then Donghyuck, _the_ Lee Donghyuck. My best friend since 3rd grade. Among us, he’s the person I knew like the back of my hand. I was the first one who noticed the way his cheeks blush and his eyes lose focus whenever Mark hyung was around. Then there’s me, smiling innocently at the camera. Trapped between two boys which are clearly taller than me, even while sitting. At my right, carrying a peace sign is my first love. And also my self-proclaimed best friend, _Na Jaemin_. On my left, is Haechan’s cousin, Lee Jeno. Jaemin’s _boyfriend_.

It’s funny and sad, every time I saw this photo. I sensed a wave of happiness while reminiscing those days of youth that appeared to merely pass us by in a blink of an eye. I remembered the promise we made. _Never forget each other and be friends forever._ I wonder when did that promise sink into oblivion?

When Mark hyung graduated, we cried. A lot. Since he is the older, and a year above us, we accepted the fact that he’ll go soon for college. But still, on that night, when we rejoiced for the last time as seven, he promised that he’ll definitely visit for breaks and holidays. That he’ll surely call. Indeed, he kept that promise. However, the lingering feeling whenever we gathered, the unspoken message that I certainly am not the only one to notice, implied that it’s not the same anymore. Mark hyung has new friends. Of course, he’d make new friends in college. It’s given. The only thing that didn’t change, thankfully, is he appeared to love Haechan more day by day.

Now that I, Haechan, Jeno, and Jaemin graduated in high school, Jisung and Chenle were left at our province. They won’t be following us until a year after, given if they got accepted in Yonsei. We all decided to try for Yonsei. Luckily, we’re all accepted. But it just isn’t the same. Haechan, expectedly, left me to live with his boyfriend, Mark hyung. While Jaemin and Jeno are that two friends I always loved hanging around with, but lately we three aren’t just on the same pages anymore. I wonder if it’s me who left them behind, or its the other way around. So even if they offered to share their apartment with me, I turned them down. A gut feeling informs me that being with them signifies pain. While Chenle and Jisung, they’ve always been close because they’re the youngest in our group. They can understand each other in ways we cannot sometimes. I’m just glad they had each other. It’s nice to know that even if we slowly drift apart, my friends had someone they can count on to.

_Never forget each other and be friends forever._

Sometimes I wished I could rewind time if only so I could experience those days again. With the people I spent my youth with.

But that’s only wishful thinking given now that I’m in college. And one’s gotta move forward if they want to succeed in life. I sighed and put the framed photograph inside the drawer, hiding it instead. I look around once I finished unpacking.

The coldness of the room feels a little lonely.

***

I woke up and realized the sun has long set, the room enveloped in complete darkness. Groaning, I stretched my limbs before sitting down, staring into the empty bed at the other side of the room. I didn’t realize I fell asleep. I picked up my phone left at the drawer and studied the time, gasping after seeing it’s 07:00 in the evening. There are 15 missed calls and 10 text messages, all from Sicheng.

I hurriedly stood and turn on the lights. I was about to call Sicheng when I heard a knock on my door. The sound almost making me jump off in surprise.

I went and open it. “S-Sicheng ge?!”

Sicheng only gave me a stare while crossing his arms. “Why aren’t you answering your phone? You made me worry.”

“I was just about to call you. Sorry ge, I slept.” I smiled sheepishly before rubbing my nape.

Sicheng only sighed. then entering the room without waiting for my permission. He looks around. “Hmm, the room isn’t so bad as what I thought. It’s nice that your roommate isn’t here yet. At least you got the freedom to pick your own bed.”

“Yeah, well. By the way, how did you know my dorm room?”

Sicheng gave me a look. “I asked Mrs. Jang. It ain’t hard plus I told her I am your cousin.”

“Oh, I see.” I nodded my head.

“What are you doing, still standing there? Fix yourself, we’re going out.”

“Right now?!”

“Yeah, what? Do you want to eat dinner tomorrow instead? Of course, tonight and right now, kiddo. I know a place that serves the best Korean barbecue. My treat.”

At the words ‘My treat’, I didn’t hesitate to excuse myself for a minute and shoo Sicheng out of the room. I change into a random sweatshirt since it’s still quite chilly outside. I closed the blinds after doing a few styling with my hair.

The Korean barbecue restaurant isn’t that far from the university and the dorms. In fact, it’s just a walking distance so with Sicheng’s car we arrived there in not more than three minutes. I looked around in amazement. There are a lot of establishments and shops around the area. It’s helpful to distinguish some good places to go to especially now that I’m gonna start living here.

Once inside, Sicheng is the one who offered to order for us. Since I don’t know what to eat yet, I let him decide. While waiting, Sicheng spoke. “Are you sure you’re okay at the dorms?”

“Ge, you really should stop hanging around with Kun hyung. You’re beginning to act like a worried and paranoid mom like him. For the nth time, I’m fine. Dorms aren’t that different from apartments.”

“What do you mean not different? Of course, it is different. I used to live in dorms too during my first year. And I’m telling you, dorms do not have a personal comfort room or bathroom, just in case you forgot.”

“And so? It’s not like I’m sensitive to that. You’re only making it a big deal because you’re the one who can't use public bathrooms and comfort rooms,” I pointed out.

“How about your roommate? What if your roommate turns out to be a complete jerk? Someone who doesn’t know what personal space means? Hey, don’t give me that look! There are several kinds of people out there! Things like that don’t just happen in movies or books. I remember my roommate way back in my first year, he’s a complete-”

“Sicheng ge. I am fine. I’m an adult now. If I happened to encounter problems like that, I’ll be dealing with it on my own. Besides, what is life if you’re just gonna live it easily?”

Sicheng releases a sigh of defeat. “You know I’m just looking out for you, right? And auntie and uncle also asked me to. Have you already called them? They’re probably worried.”

“Nah, I’ll call them later once I got back. I’m pretty sure they’re still at the shop.” Mom and dad own a little flower shop back in Gyeongsang. They normally arrive home before nine.

“You should. By the way, have you talked to your friends? Why did you decide to come here earlier than the rest? School doesn’t start until next week. You should have used the remaining week with your friends and your parents,” Sicheng claimed.

I felt a sigh leave my lips. “Nah. What’s the point of spending another week when I’m still gonna leave anyway? Plus, I have a lot of things to arrange before school starts. For example, unpacking. Then I’m gonna have to buy books for my subjects. Clothes, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna need more. And I also need to look for a part time job. You know, to support myself?”

“I’m gonna ask my friends if they knew anyone hiring.”

“Thanks ge, you’re the best,” I offered a tiny smile.

“If you want, I can go with you to buy school supplies. And books.”

Though I am glad Sicheng offered to come, I refused in the end. “I’m fine, ge. I understand you’re busy too.” As a 3rd year student, I know Sicheng ge needs to do a lot of advanced reading and studying for his major. Apparently, unlike high school, college is that time where the only constant company you’ll be needing is your book and laptop. Plus, I know Sicheng is also working as a part-timer. I don’t want to be a nuisance.

“Okay.”

Once our order arrived, I felt my stomach grumbling with the delicious smell of the sauce and the barbecue served to us. Our words melting as we eat the pleasant dinner that evening.


	3. Chapter Two: "Let's Drink Alcohol For The First Time And Start A Fight"

_**Renjun’s** _

It’s been four days since I arrived in Seoul. And I’m proud enough to say those four days don’t just pass by in vain. I managed to land a job at the nearest bookstore. My shift goes by in the afternoon, as soon as my last class was finished. I’ll be working at the shop until it closes at six. It’s the perfect job for me. Given I don’t really have a lot of things to do except staying behind the counter, welcoming customers that come in, and maybe even assisting those who need help. At the end of the day, I feel quite lucky to end up at a bookstore instead of a coffee shop. Only God knows how clumsy I can be at times.

I’ve also bought important school supplies and a small number of unhealthy snacks that I’m pretty sure Sicheng ge will scold me for once he saw them. And with a few pairs of clothes and cute little Moomin designed alarm clock that I saw around, I can say I’m adequately prepared for next week. My first day at my new job isn’t really such a hassle. The former cashier, which is a very kind lady named Mina, taught me the basics. My first day is more of a practice rather than truly working. Though sure I helped and Mina allowed me to provide for some of the customers, but she essentially guided me with the task. I couldn’t thank her enough for that.

Though I’m a bit anxious on my second day at this job, because this time, Mina officially left leaving me all alone with the job. Though there’s another worker at the shop that goes by the name of Joy. She’s older than me and she’s really nice. She helps with placing the books in order, on their rightful shelves of course. Since school has not officially started yet, there is not a lot of customers. Joy said it’s pretty normal. And plenty of customers will come by in the middle of the season. I like her and her company is really nice. Though I am not a chatty person, especially with people I just met, she sure knows how to handle and drive conversations. Her sometimes hilarious stories and topics definitely helped with the boredom that comes from the afternoon silence in the shop.

Sicheng visited me on my third day. With his other Chinese friends that are, of course, older than me. They’re loud. I almost look apologetically to Joy and that one middle-aged man silently reading at the Erotica section aisle. I’ve met these hyungs before. When Sicheng came home at our province for Christmas break. He brought friends one time. And his boyfriend, Yuta hyung. But I can never get used to their quirkiness and screeching voices that seemed to echo at the whole shop.

Of course, I didn’t fail to update my parents about my new job. And they’re happy for me. Hell, I wasn’t surprised anymore when my dad called just to congratulate me, saying I really am an independent man now and how he misses his baby. Yeah, my dad was a sap like that.

I told my friends too. I attached a selfie in my message. It was a picture I took on my second day in the bookstore. With a message: _**Guess who’s working at the bookstore now losers**_

In the end, I received a variety of memes and stickers, majority from Jisung and Chenle. Then a sarcastic comment from Donghyuck. But of course, I’ll understand. I am awesome like that. Mark, of course, being the dumbest of them all, actually answered with _**“Who??”**_. I think the only normal response I got was from Jeno and Jaemin. Both congratulating me and leaving out heartfelt and long-ass messages saying they are proud of me. I hate the way my traitorous heart does a fluttering feeling when I read their message. _I hate them._

If there’s one thing I really want to forget and leave behind, it is my feelings for Jaemin and Jeno. It has never been reciprocated before. And I’m sure as hell it will never be. No one noticed then. I’ve become pretty good at masking my own pain to those people who swore of knowing me more than anyone in this world. So I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t see now.

Now that we’re out in that small province we call home. Now that we’re finally here, perplexed by all the wonders and opportunities the beautiful city of Seoul could offer. It’ll be easy. To hide and push away these feelings. Until it finally fades away and disappears on its own.

***

MarkHyuck and NoMin arrived in Seoul on Friday. The two couples decided to ride the bus together before dawn so they could have time to unpack some clothes. Donghyuck having no problem as Mark’s apartment is more than available, just waiting for its new inhabitant. While Jaemin and Jeno will just have to do a lot of extra cleaning and grooming for their rented apartment. Donghyuck set up a meeting that day at lunch. I instantly agreed and told them we could eat at the same Korean barbecue restaurant Sicheng ge treated me last time.

I arrived at the restaurant by 11:30. We promised to meet by 11:20 and I’m ten minutes late but it seems like I am still the earliest out of the five of us. Though I decided to just let them be considering their probably tired from all the unpacking and 3 hours train ride. They didn’t arrive until 10 minutes later. I saw them entering the restaurant and I quickly waved so they could see me.

“Yo, Renjun-ah! Not even a week yet in Seoul and you’ve gone to places, huh?” Mark hyung greeted me with a high five as they sat down.

“Well, I ate here with Sicheng hyung the first time I arrived. So I pretty much knew their food would not disappoint,” I briefly shrugged.

“First, let’s order. I’m starving, damn,” Haechan groaned and look through the menu book that is placed at the table.

After ordering, that’s where all the basic questionings happened. “So, how’s the dorm?” It was Haechan who asked first.

“Hmm, it’s fine. It’s not as much as an apartment but it’s comfy.”

“Have you met your roommate?” Jeno was the one who asked this time.

I tried not to look at him and his boyfriend. “Not yet. Hopefully soon.” I cleared my throat, hoping the awkwardness didn’t seep out of my tongue when I answered. “So how’s the apartment?”

“T’was good. Mark here isn’t as messy as I thought he’d be,” Donghyuck pointed at his boyfriend casually.

“Hey! I am _not_ messy!” Automatically, the older argued. I laughed. “Yeah well, Mark hyung probably sorted out all his shits in that apartment way before the previous school year ends.”

Everyone laughed as Mark tried to save himself from further accusations. And honestly, I missed this. I missed all the banters, all the laughter, all the whiny sounds I or they would make whenever we defend ourselves. For a fleeting second, I felt like I was home again. Back in that park near our school, spending lunch with these dorks I call my friends. I didn’t realize how much I miss the teasing and the friendly arguments until now.

“So Jaemin and Jeno, finally living like a domestic couple now huh? How does it feel?” Donghyuck changed his target from his boyfriend to the couple sitting beside him this time.

I made sure a smile was stretched on my lips as I turn to look at Jeno and Jaemin. Jaemin’s face is incredibly red. _Cute._

“Shut up, Donghyuck. You don’t get to have a say on this. When you practically leave Renjun behind just to live with your idiotic boyfriend,” Jaemin snark back.

“Oh come on, stop pointing fingers at me. That won’t work, bitch. Nah-uh. Besides, Renjun understands. I made sure that incredibly expensive Moomin plushie and a week of free meals spoke for itself. Right, Renjun?”

Everyone turned to look at me. _Uh-oh._ I grin, swallowing the bitter pit slowly forming on my throat. “Shut up, Dongfuck. That Moomin plushie ain’t even _that_ expensive!”

Donghyuck put a hand on his chest, “Well, you hurt my feelings Injunnie. Should I show you the receipt? Really. I still have the receipt in the wallet. Let me check for a sec.”

“Jesus Christ, why do you have a receipt in your wallet from a purchase made almost a month ago?” Jaemin looked at us as if to made his point.

“To slap people with them. Unfortunately, I have a lot of ungrateful friends.”

Again, everyone at the table laughed. I laughed.

“So back to the topic, how’s the new apartment? Actually, since I practically raised your poor asses, I don’t really have wise words to give but just make sure to tone down the moans okay? Trust me, you don’t wanna get cockblocked on your upcoming climax when your neighbor came knocking down at the door to complain about the _inappropriate sounds_ ,” Donghyuck flat out made a hand gesture to emphasize his point.

“What the hell, Hyuck?!”

“Jesus Christ, you need holy water, man.”

“The fuck are you talking about?”

“Oh God!”

I swear my face heated up in embarrassment.

“We are not doing that! Right now, we’re focusing on the unpacking and there’s still a lot of things to do. It’d be really nice if we can use some help,” Jeno responded.

“How ‘bout Renjun helped you two? I’m pretty sure he’s done unpacking on his own and it would be nice to have an extra hand to quickly finish the process,” Donghyuck suggested.

I glared at Hyuck. “Don’t throw the obligation on me. If you don’t wanna do it, then don’t. Stop passing them to me. Besides, I have to work at the bookstore. I can’t really help.” It’s a lie, of course. I’m pretty sure the whole morning or half of the afternoon before I go to the shop will suffice to help the couple into their new apartment. But yeah, no way I’ll be left alone with those two.

“Fine, geez. You don’t have to be cranky about it,” Donghyuck responded after a while. Then there’s a thick tension filling the air. And I swore I can feel Jaemin and Jeno’s gaze lingering on my face.

It’s perfect timing that our order has arrived at that exact moment. I don’t think I could last anymore if ever. My hunger overpowering the discomfort I felt a minute ago. No one really said anything anymore once the food is served on the table.

“By the way guys, Mark here said there’s a really nice club around this area. It opens by weekend and Friday nights. Wanna come tonight to mark our first day of moving in? First week for Renjun.”

We all look at Donghyuck in confusion. The bastard sporting a playful smirk and a wiggle of an eyebrow that is code for “I won’t take no for an answer”. I internally keened.

“Club? Seriously Donghyuck?” Good thing Jeno doesn’t seem to like the idea of clubs either. One of the reasons why I used to be very close to the boy. We are the kind of person who simply cannot see the joy in going out at Friday nights.

“Why not? We’re of legal age now. We can totally rock the bars and clubs just by showing our ID card that officially confirms that we are adults! And we’re more than ready to party!”

“Yeah, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I whispered.

“For once, just for fucking once Huang Renjun. Try to have fun at least! We’re adults now! This is one of the things adults do! They go to parties! They drink until they drop! It’s like the final step into verification of being an adult! This is freedom, my friends! No more adults to supervise us because this time, _we_ _are_ the adults! And most importantly, we’ll get to taste real alcohol. Not some wine Chenle sneaked out from his parents' wine collections!”

“Come on, guys. Let's indulge ourselves in some fun before school starts next week,” Mark persuaded.

“Err, I don’t know-”

Jeno and I both looked at each other as we said the same thing in chorus. I quickly glanced away once those dark orbs pierced into mine. Quietly hoping Jeno didn’t notice me blushing as I cooled myself down by gulping a large amount of water.

Donghyuck, for the nth time, groans. “Jeno and Renjun, you fucking spoilsports. Fine, let’s get Jaemin to decide then. Jaemin, would you like to go to the club tonight?”

Though I refused to, my head still automatically turning to look at Jaemin. Hoping my pleading eyes that say “Please say no” would reach to him. But alas, of all times, Jaemin decided to avoid my gaze this time.

“Err, I don’t know. Uh... maybe?” Jaemin scratched his nape as he answered uncertainly.

Though it was only a question, I released a sigh of defeat while Donghyuck grins triumphantly. The bastard even raised his fist in the air. “Well sorry losers, majority wins! Ha!”

I mentally facepalmed. I’ve never been to clubs before. Never been drunk.

Oh, God. I can already presume this to be a disaster.

***

Is it possible for a person to feel alone in a sea of people? Or to feel down, all left out, in the middle of a party? The answer is yes. I am a living example of a person experiencing those things. Being the only child, I’ve never felt such things with my family. My parents are the best. They always include me with every decision, conversation, and vacations. Back then I didn’t truly understand those teenagers in dramas or movies who say they feel isolated in a crowd. Being alone has a different meaning for me back on those days.

And now, years later, as I sat silently in this bar, left with nothing but a glass of vodka and now vacant chairs, I think I understand. I just never imagined my friends to be the one to show me the true meaning of loneliness. I don’t know when it started, but this definitely isn’t the first time I swallowed the poisonous taste of isolation.

_I really shouldn’t have come._

From the dance floor, I see Donghyuck dancing (or more like grinding) to Mark. Despite the polluted crowd, I could never miss that adorable pink hair that belongs to Jaemin. Jaemin whose having the time of his life dancing to the upbeat music. Even Jeno, who claimed to have hated parties, is sporting a huge grin while he watched his boyfriend with loving eyes on the sideline. I looked away. The two couples left the table almost half an hour ago to dance the night away. Jeno asked me to come with them but I declined, knowing full well I’m not gonna fit in on that crowd as I don’t belong in this place in general.

So maybe it’s not really their fault. Maybe the one to really be blamed for is my dramatic ass who never knew how to have fun. I snorted at the thought. _‘_ _I apologize if my idea of fun is far from drinking alcohol and dancing_ _to_ _that ear-shattering song.’_ Maybe I’m just really plain and boring. Maybe I shouldn’t have anticipated spending the night at MarkHyuck’s apartment, hell even at Nomin’s apartment, playing uno cards, or simply watching movies on Netflix like old times. Maybe Donghyuck is right and it’s time to set myself straight. We’re adults now and we’re supposed to be experiencing things appropriate for our age.

But if this is what grown-ups do, I don’t think I want to be one anymore.

I sighed, staring at the glass of vodka in my hand. I only had a single sip with the drink and that was when we entered the club. I didn’t like the taste. But right now, fuck it. I don’t have anything better to do anyway.

I finished the vodka in one shot.

I called the waiter and asked for another serving. Then another. And another. And another. As time passed by, and after a couple of shots of vodka later, I felt my cheeks heating up. My whole body felt hot despite the fact that the inside of the club is air-conditioned. I removed my coat after drinking another glass of vodka. As I drink, I couldn’t help but look at the couple still dancing on the dance floor. Holding each other as if they are the only person on this planet. I failed to realize I am glaring hard, the now empty glass of vodka burning in my palms as I grip it so tight my knuckles began to turn white.

I called for another shot. If only I could drown the aching feeling on my chest.

The dizziness started to approach me when the two couples finally came back. My head hanging low while I try to block out the extra irritating and loud sounds coming from the speaker. I stopped looking at the time long ago. I look up only to see Donghyuck fanning himself as sweat trickles down his skin. While Mark got up to leave for the restroom. Jaemin and Jeno approached me.

“Damn Renjun, did you just drink?” Jaemin asked, eyes wide open in worry.

Donghyuck laughed, slapping Jaemin in the arm. “What do you expect?! This is a club. It’s mandatory that once you enter in, you gotta at least drink alcohol. Though I admit I was quite surprised our best friend here actually has the balls to do it!”

Maybe it’s the alcohol or the wave of nausea starting to break out of me. But something snapped inside. It’s like all the anger and disappointments since we entered this club finally exploding into one poisonous sentence. “I, too, was surprised to know you haven’t forgotten about this _friend_ you left behind.” The sentence slipped out of my tongue before I could even think it through.

“Excuse me? _You’re_ the one who insists to stay behind. Don’t blame us for your lack of fun and enjoyment.”

“Hey Donghyuck, that’s too much. Don’t talk to Renjun that way,” Jeno intervened.

Donghyuck’s sharp glare pierced is now directed at him. “Too much? Why? Did I start this?! He’s the one who started it. I’m not doing anything and then he’s coming down on me, at us, for actually enjoying the night?” Donghyuck looked at me this time, his eyes are now very different from the warm ones I’ve grown to. “Stop thinking as if the world revolves around you, Renjun! Time ain’t gonna stop just because you wanted it to! Not everything will be about you. You’re not a kid anymore, why are you still acting like one?!”

That... hurts.

It’s funny with how those simple words Renjun quickly sober up. Nausea and dizziness are forgotten behind as the pain ranged from deep inside this time. Like a knife sharply piercing through my heart. Creating a deep, stab wound. My heart clenching as the sharp blade thrust inside. And I can feel it bleeding. Pulsing. Beating. Then slowly dying.

“Donghyuck! THAT’S ENOUGH!” Jaemin’s voice manages to block out the painful sound of upbeat music I’ve been trying to get rid of since we enter this place. I wonder how did he manage to do that. Yet the unspoken answer only comes in the form of another knife, joining what seemed to be a stabbing party, inside my chest.

“Don’t speak to Renjun like that! I get it that you’re under the influence of alcohol. And so is Renjun. But you’re being unreasonable. You know what, we’ve had enough drinks for tonight. Let’s just go home,” Jeno spoke this time as he sighed.

“Yeah right, go on! Leave me alone and go to Renjun. Pft, you said we’re friends but all you two actually care about is Renjun.”

“You’re drunk, Hyuck. Wait for Mark hyung here. We’re gonna walk Renjun back to his apartment, it’s getting late. Good night.”

Not wanting to hear any more, I stand and grab the coat I put beside me. I tried my best not to crack as I spoke monotonously, “You don’t have to, Jaemin, Jeno. I can take care of my own. My dorms not that far. I can walk. Thanks for the offer, though.” Without giving them any chance to argue, I walk away to exit the bar. Not before paying for the bill at the counter, of course. Unfortunately enough, as the cold breeze of night air welcomed me outside, I’m sober. Too sober that all the painful words peal on my ears in repeat. And I walk to the dorms with tears in my eyes.

It doesn’t take me long to go back. Though the liquid in my eyes blurs my vision, I still find my way perfectly to the dorms. I was entering my room before I even realize.

And I would have gone straight to my bed and coop myself up with the blankets if not for a bunch of bags, almost causing me to trip. I muttered a soft, “Shit” before looking at the dark room. The light is off and I don’t bother to switch it on. The only source of light coming from the windows.

I cross over on the bags and walk closer to the previously unoccupied bed. There was no mistaking. Under the blankets is a lump figure of a person. His hair peeking out from under the sheets.

Not wanting to disturb my newly-arrived roommate’s sleep, I sighed and return to my bed at the opposite side. It seems like he just arrived tonight. He’s not yet here when I left this evening. Good thing he’s asleep though, I don’t think I could face him like this. I remove the coat, leaving it crumpled on the floor. Like a person void of any energy, I slump down on my bed, curling myself under the covers.

That moment, I feel nothing. Yet still, the tears never fail to stop.


	4. Chapter Three: “Let’s Make A New Friend And Make Up”

_**Renjun’s** _

My head was pounding in pain, and the heavy feeling from the other night seemed to double due to hangover. If the alcohol I consumed isn’t enough, I just really had to spend the night balling my eyes out. Now I could only blame myself that my head literally feels like it’s gonna split into two. I groaned. I don’t want to open my eyes.

Unfortunately, fate has other plans.

“Wake up, sleepyhead.” I felt a cold substance gently brush my cheeks for a fracture of a second.

I opened my eyes, staring at the owner of the voice. My gaze landed on a boy with light brown hair, a _very pretty one_ I must say. _‘Oh dear Lord, what have I done to be blessed with such sight?’_ He is smiling, The kind of smile that would put the sun into shame. Because it’s just _that_ bright. He owns a pair of pretty eyes too, and soft-looking pinkish thin lips. And damn it, _I’m staring too much_.

“We haven’t met last night. I’m your roommate,” the stranger, which apparently happened to be my roommate (of course, who could he fucking be?) said after a minute of silence.

I stood up, face embarrassed as I turn around checking for any marks of possible saliva dried around my mouth. For a while, the pain in my head was forgotten as I discreetly rub my eyes before turning back to face the boy again. “R-Right. My roommate. Haha.” I awkwardly said while I scratch the back of my neck.

Again, there goes his million-dollar smile. It’s as if the smile was permanently etched on his face, it remains. Accentuating and blending perfectly his pretty features. _So much like Jaemin’s_.

‘ _What the fuck, Renjun?! Go back to your senses! It’s early morning!’_ I shake the thought off my head.

“I’m Yangyang. Liu Yangyang.”

“Oh as in that’s your real name? Yangyang?”

Yangyang nods. “Why?”

I shrugged. “Just that Yangyang sounds like a nickname to me.”

My roommate was silent for a moment. And I swore my heart stopped beating as seconds passed. What the hell, did I somehow accidentally pissed him off? So much for first impressions, Renjun. I mentally scolded myself.

All the worries dissipate when Yangyang laughed. It’s a pretty laugh. The kind of laugh that you’ll be hypnotized to go along. But in my case, I allow a small smile to paint on my face.

“Here. I assumed you’re out drinking last night. Take this for the headache.” Yangyang handed me two tablets of aspirin with the bottle of water that I presume to be the cold substance from earlier. I took the pills and the water from Yangyang before muttering a small “Thanks”. I swallowed them at once, hoping it’ll ease the pain. “I’m Huang Renjun, by the way.”

My throat was dry. I manage to down the drink in a matter of minutes. Finally feeling a little refreshed, I chose to observe my roommate as he arranges his things. Currently, Yangyang’s putting all his clothes in the closet. I furrowed my brows when I noticed the color of his clothing is all the same. Black.

“Wow, you sure love black huh?” I commented.

Yangyang turns to me for a second before smiling, setting the last pieces of his clothes on the rack. “Yeah. Black never goes out of style.” He winks at me.

“True. Damn, you really had nice clothes.” And they look expensive too.

“You can borrow some if you want.”

“Really?”

Yangyang chuckled. “Of course. I’ll lend them to you anytime.”

“Wow, thanks.” I know it’s too early to say this but, I officially like my roommate. He’s far from the asshole, dick-head, probably homophobic roommate I was imagining in my head. He’s the complete opposite. Really friendly too.

When he’s done arranging all his clothes, he zipped up his bag and sat on his bed, facing me. “So, wanna go get lunch?”

“It’s too early in the morning,” I chuckled.

Yangyang tilts his head, looking at the watch in his wrist before saying, “It’s 11:30 actually.”

“Are you for real?!”

The boy laughed, probably because of the horrified look on my face. “Clean up. I’ll wait for you here.”

I got up from the bed, but not without groaning first. I just really want to curl up under the soft fabric of my bedsheets all day. Probably overthink the things that happened last night between Donghyuck and I. There’s a possibility I’d create different scenarios on my head too, concerning how I will face Donghyuck after that petty argument.

But my new roommate is expecting to eat lunch with me. And I just don’t have the heart to turn down that hopeful eyes and pretty smile. _‘_ _Did this boy somehow manage to_ _hold_ _a soft spot in my_ _torn heart?_ _In our first meeting?’_ Damn. I shrug and smile invisibly.

Suddenly, I feel a lot better today. At least in comparison to my last night messed-up self, this still-messed-up-but-somehow-better version of me is more sustainable.

***

I learned a lot about my roommate over lunch. And man, am I amazed. Apparently, Yangyang is a Taiwanese-German. He’s born in Taiwan but was raised in Germany. The boy is fluent in different languages, one of them is Chinese. And I’m Chinese but I moved to Korea when I was 10. Doesn’t mean I can’t speak the language fluently tho. My parents and I would converse in Chinese and I do the same whenever I’m with Sicheng. But it still felt nice knowing my roommate is able to speak Chinese too. It’s as if we’re sharing more than just a room. We decided to stick to the Chinese language whenever we’re talking. Something about communicating in a different language not many can understand appears to be satisfying.

Apart from that, Yangyang also confirmed my suspicions. He’s born from a wealthy family. It explains why he owns a bunch of branded clothes. _I just knew his clothes looks expensive. And is that a_ _limited edition Rolex watch I just saw on commercial last week?!_ His dad is a well-renowned plastic surgeon and he owns a hospital in China including its affiliated health center in Germany. While Yangyang’s mother is a pharmacist running her own pharmaceutical company. So I was not surprised when Yangyang told me he’s aiming for a medical degree. It probably runs in the family. When I teased Yangyang about his obviously well-off lifestyle, he only reacts with a shy smile and a rub on his nape.

“By the way, why were you living in a dorm? Your parents could have easily buy an apartment for you? Hell, even a house with how rich your family is,” I asked in curiosity.

“Because I want to. You know, it’s college and I want to experience living in dorms at least. Having a roommate.” He released a small laugh before continuing. “We actually own a house here in Seoul. It’s an hour drive to Yonsei. My parents decided to settle here because my dad wants to establish another hospital here in Korea. While my mom, well, she always follows my dad wherever he goes so...” he shrugged as he ate his meat.

“That’s great. You have your car, so it will not be hard to come home over weekends. Have some family time with your parents.”

“Yeah, not gonna happen.”

“Why?”

Yangyang dropped his fork and sighed, looking at me with a distant gaze. “My parents' idea of bonding consists of handing out their black cards before shooing me off to buy whatever I want.”

“Hmm? Is that so? In that case...” I grinned, trying to lighten up the reputedly heavy situation. “You won’t forget me, right? Call me too, whenever. I mean, you already have a lot of branded clothes, you can at least spare me a Moomin plushie? Or a t-shirt? Or socks? It won’t cost a lot.” I joked.

Yangyang stared at me for a minute, his eyes unreadable. Again, for the second time since this morning, I’m worried I only made the situation worst. Ah, why did I even say that? We just met today, was that too weird to say to the roommate you just met? Now that I think of it, it is pretty weird. But I only meant is a joke. Did he not get my sense of humor? I was panicking inside when Yangyang spoke,

“Moomin? Is that a character?”

“Oh my God, you didn’t know Moomin? Moomin’s like the definition of the word cute! Like cute was invented because of Moomin?!” I laughed when I saw his confused face. Cute eyes blinking without a clue, almost as adorable as Moomin. “But yeah, I love Moomin.”

“I see.” And his smile is back.

We continued chatting, and the list of discoveries never ends. Yangyang and I have a lot in common than I expected. We’re both the only child in the family. We also love arts. And we’re also the type of person who’d rather stay in the bed watching movies or reading books on Friday nights than go out to party at clubs. And hey, we’re both ‘00 liner! Though I am older by a few months. Still, I’m glad to know my roommate is the same age as me.

Talking to Yangyang is nice. Yangyang just has this effect that will draw you in and I really felt like I can tell everything to him. Though I have a lot of friends, I am actually an introverted person. It sometimes clashes with my friends' extroverted personality. I don’t usually feel comfortable with people at first conversations. To the point where I’d talk and ask nonstop. Hell, even my friends went through my awkward-as-fuck phase before I warmed up to them. It’s not every day you encounter someone with the same vibe as you. So I’m really glad it’s my roommate.

Although I am thankful to have my friends and Sicheng ge, it’s really great to meet someone outside of my usual ‘circle of friends’. More often than not, it was my friends and Sicheng ge who’d introduce me to new people. And almost everyone I knew knows them first and is close to them. Yangyang feels like someone that really belongs to me. For the first time, I’ve made a friend on my own. The thought made me smile.

We talked for a couple more minutes before we finally decided to leave. And even on our way back to the dorms, our conversation never ends. I was so focused on Yangyang speaking that I didn’t realize we’re already in front of the dorm building. And there is someone waiting for me.

“Renjun!”

Yangyang paused as we both turn to the direction of the voice. I saw Jaemin, Jeno, and Donghyuck standing not too far from us. Jaemin smiled as he waved to me, while Jeno is obviously pushing the still-hesitant Donghyuck to my way.

“Oh, you’re here guys?” For a moment there, I really forgot the complications that arise between me and Donghyuck the previous night.

Jaemin ran to us, wearing his goddamn smile. Everything blurred as my gaze was focused on Jaemin. His fluffy cotton candy pink hair, his pearly white teeth, and his eyes that sparkle the more he comes closer. I was pulled out of my thoughts when Jaemin places a hand on my shoulder. Looking at me worriedly. “Are you okay, Injunnie?”

“Huh? Oh yeah, yes I’m okay. What are you guys doing here?” I asked, subtly putting Jaemin’s hand off my shoulder. I didn’t miss the pout on Jaemin’s face when I did so.

“Donghyuck here has something to say to you, Injunnie.” It was Jeno. Followed by a grunt from Donghyuck as the latter removed Jeno’s arm that’s keeping him from running away.

“Geez, Jeno! You don’t have to hold me so tight! I feel like I might suffocate!” Donghyuck rants.

Jeno just grinned, his eyes forming a perfect crescent. So much different from Jaemin’s but both exhibiting the actual definition of beauty. I nearly crack a smile at the thought.

“So uh, Renjun?” I looked up to Donghyuck quickly avoiding my eyes. A habit of his whenever he’s guilty of something. “Hmm?” I hummed.

“Can we uh, talk?”

“We’re already talking tho?” Trying my best to maintain a poker face is definitely not my forte. I’m sure as hell I’m gonna crack into a pit of laughter any minute but there’s no harm in teasing Donghyuck for a little while. Especially after the bastard made me cry last night. _‘_ _But it’s not entirely his fault. There’s also Jaemin and Jeno-’_ Oh shut up, human brain!

Donghyuck released a disgruntled sigh. Blowing his bangs in exasperation, he eyed me this time. “I mean, can I talk to you personally? Just us?” Then he looked past me. It took me a minute before I realized Yangyang is still standing behind me, obviously waiting for me.

“Oh right!” I turn to face my roommate. “Hey, you can go first. I’m just gonna talk with my friend here.”

His expression, once again, undecipherable when he spoke. “Is that so? I don’t mind waiting.”

“But it might take a while. Don’t worry about me. I’ll see you later.” I smiled.

Yangyang looks unsure but says nonetheless, “Okay. See you later.”

I smiled and waved goodbye before Yangyang turns his heels and walk away. His back retreating as he enter the building.

“Who was that?” Jaemin asked with crossed-arms.

“My roommate. He’s really nice.” I shrugged before looking to Donghyuck. “So... where should we go?”

“Right. Follow me.”

***

We ended up at the small cafe. Jeno and Jaemin decided to go for a small walk so they could give Donghyuck and I some time to talk to each other. We were sitting silently while we wait for our order. Donghyuck was the first who broke the silence.

“Hey uh...” I honestly wanna laugh at Donghyuck’s face right now. He looks constipated. True to his nature, Donghyuck is a loud person. He got some big opinions over things and he was never embarrassed to share them in public. But this, serious talks, I know very well this is not Donghyuck’s strong point. I crossed my arms and gave him some time to construct a sentence.

“I’mreallysorryokayIwasfuckingdrunkpleaseforgivemeIdidn’tmeananywordsIsaid!”

I blinked. “Sorry, what?”

An exasperated sigh leaves Donghyuck’s mouth. He runs a hand through his face before looking at me, this time with sincerity. “I’m sorry Injunnie. I didn’t mean any words I said. It was just my stupid drunk self talking. You know it’s my first time drinking alcohol, I didn’t know I had such low tolerance. But I really really am sorry. I didn’t mean to be such a bitch. If it makes you feel better you can slap me? Right here, right now.”

“You sure ‘bout that?”

“Okay, please don’t slap me. But I mean the rest.”

I couldn’t help then but crack a smile. And then laugh. Before I knew it, both Donghyuck and I are now sharing a merry laugh, like we didn’t just have a fight roughly 12 hours ago. Donghyuck had tears brimming on his eyes while he stood up to envelope me into a warm hug. And I guess I would’ve cried too in joy but I’ll save that for when I’m alone.

“You’re such a bad friend, Hyuck. I swear to God, I hate you sometimes,” I said while hugging him back.

“I know honey, I’m sorry. But hey, you shouldn’t have snapped at me in the first place.”

“I am aware, I partially started it. So I apologize too.”

“I hate it when we fight. Next time, don’t make me cry like that again okay? Look at my eyes now,” Donghyuck pouted before separating himself from the hug. Now that I noticed, his eyes are a bit red. I giggled.

“Sorry, Hyuckie. I’ll make it up to you, hmm?” I patted his cheek.

The truth is, we might have some differences, or I might bore a little disappointment sometimes to my friends. At the end of the day, I love them. And I don’t want them gone in my life. No matter how much can a person make someone feel alone at times, at the end of the day, that someone still belongs somewhere. _I_ belong with _them_. My friends are my second home.

When our milk teas arrived, we decided to stroll out and look for Jeno and Jaemin. Although hesitant with Donghyuck’s idea, I still nodded in the end. Donghyuck’s going with us anyway so it won’t be that bad to walk with the two.

We spotted the two in front of a fountain. We waved at them and run to their spot.

“Hey. So you guys finally made up?” Jaemin asked. His waist wrapped around Jeno’s torso didn’t go unnoticed by me. I stopped myself from staring at the particular spot longer than the usual.

“Yep! We’re good!” Donghyuck announced, popping the p. He himself slung his hand around my nape. “What are you guys up to? Can we tag along?”

“Of course! It’s been so long since we go out, the four of us. At break, you two are so busy with your part-time jobs. Especially Renjunnie. He couldn’t even meet us,” Jeno sulked.

I laughed nervously, scratching my neck. “S-Sorry, I was just busy then.” That’s not actually a lie but it’s true I’ve been avoiding the two like a plague and I could have at least spare them a minute especially when they visited at the flower shop but I always reasoned that I’m busy.

“It’s okay! At least we get to spend some quality time now with our little spoon!” Jaemin stood in front of me and the next thing I know, I felt his warm fingers pinching around my cheeks. Jeno’s laugh can be heard from the background.

“Sh-Shtop it, J-Jaemin!” Wriggling out of Jaemin’s hold, once he got you, is as impossible as to hell freezing in cold. Jaemin only chuckled. And how did I end up trapped between Jaemin and Jeno this time when I was literally beside a clinging Hyuck a few seconds ago?

“Come on, Injunnie! Let’s explore place now we’re here in Seoul!” Jaemin said. Since Jaemin is taller, even taller than Jeno, he finds it easy to hang his arms around my shoulder. Pulling me closer to his body warmth. And God he’s so close, too close, that I can smell his aqua scented cologne. A scent that reminds me of the ocean and crisp evenings. Jeno, on my left side, decided to hold my hand, however. And damn, can he feel my hand shaking? What if my hands are too clammy and sweaty and he noticed? Oh God. But then the warmth of his rough yet soothing hands comforted me. Ironically, it pacifies the growing fire inside my heart, while kindling it into a larger flame at the same time. How is it even possible?

“What is this? Why does it feel like you three are having a date and I’m the third wheel? Or fourth wheel, in this case? Hmm...” Donghyuck reaches for his invisible mustache. “It seriously reminds me of whenever you three would hang out together before. It truly feels like a date.”

“The hell, Donghyuck?! It’s not a-”

“It is a date though.”

“I don’t mind going on a date with Injunnie.”

I look at the two of them incredulously when we three spoke at the same time. But it doesn’t hinder me from understanding their words clearly and perfectly. Jaemin and Jeno only shot an innocent glance but unmistakably a not-so-innocent grin. Jeno even had the audacity to wink at me. My poor fucking heart can’t take any of this bullshit.

“Yeah, who says friends can’t date right?” I added. But it’s more of a wake-up reminder for my gullible heart. My heart who always hopes every time Jeno would stare at me as if I hold the stars and the moon in my eyes. Or whenever Jaemin presents me that smile as if I am the brightest thing in his universe.

I needed to remind myself of the reality I am stuck in. To them, I was nothing but a friend.

So I removed Jaemin’s arms around my shoulders and freed Jeno’s fingers tangled with mine. I pull myself out of my place in between them and moved back to Donghyuck instead. Clinging in his arms as I faked a smile. “Let’s gooo!”

“Yeah, this is RenHyuck’s day actually so sorry losers!” Donghyuck winks at the pouting Jeno and Jaemin before walking away, pulling me with him of course.

As we walk around Seoul, I couldn’t help but peep at Jaemin and Jeno on my peripheral view.

They look good together. In fact, they always do. The way Jaemin would cling to Jeno’s arms and Jeno would hug him tight as if to protect him from any danger in this world. It was nice. They look really happy. _In love._ They couldn’t have done that if I was in between them.

There’s a reason why three people couldn’t share things. Like how three people couldn’t enjoy the light from the same match. Same as how three people in a photograph are considered bad luck. The one in the middle always suffers.

Always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like I was pissed. Because I edited this twice. The first time I tried to, my computer started to act. And I lost all the changes I made. Like wtf man. 
> 
> Btw, hope you enjoy this chapter. Also, stream Ridin', you cowards. That's all. Thanks. 
> 
> Sorry for any grammatical errors. English is not my first language. xx
> 
> \- sungchan


	5. Chapter Four: “Let’s Eat Lunch At The Dorms Because Cafeterias Are Overrated”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all have you heard NCT Dream's new album, Reload? I love the song Puzzle Piece so much! What's your favorite track, you guys? The tracks in this mini-album aren't enough to satisfy my thirsty heart tbh. I want MOREEE. But still, I'm just glad NCT Dream is back owo :> Support them this comeback Czennies~ 
> 
> Anyway, here's a new chapter. Thank you for reading and liking this story. Lol. xx
> 
> \- sungchan

_**Renjun’s** _

Monday arrived just like that. The occurring weekend passed by in a blur. Filled by hurried footsteps, screeches of luggage being pulled, students laughing at the hallways while they make new friends or talk to their old ones. Everyone doing just the same. Preparing for a new school year whilst gossiping about random stories or fun encounters they experienced with their short vacation. The once silent dorms are now packed with new faces as students arrived from their hometowns. For Sunday, I didn’t bother to go out and opt to watch Netflix on my laptop instead. I didn’t have to go to work on Sundays and I already got books that I’ll be needing for the whole semester. In fact, all my things are arranged and I was just waiting for Monday.

My first class is Art History. And I’m completely giddy because I really love art and I’m very excited to learn more about it. More than what high school taught us. The classroom isn’t filled by many students. Only a few, probably ranging from 12-18 people. The classroom is really huge and quite clean. Not a speck of dirt can be seen on the floors and the whiteboard in front is spotless. I decided to sit at the back of the class while I wait for the Professor.

The Professor, a 40-year-old bald man, is actually nice. I like his sense of humor while he executes his introduction with humor. I can already assume he knows a lot of things in Arts. I’m looking forward to learning a lot from him.

Based on my schedule, I’ve got three classes for the morning and two this afternoon. I’ll be out by 3:30 and I’ll be working at the store by four. Which is fine by me. I enjoyed my classes, it’s one perk of liking your major. When you cherish what you’re doing, it doesn’t appear like it’s a task at all. Two more classes after, I went to the cafeteria to eat lunch. Donghyuck texted me that they’ll be at the cafeteria. I spent at least 10 minutes looking for the place. Man, this school is huge.

Once I finally found it, my eyes scan the area. There are a bunch of students, understandable because it’s lunchtime. But the cafeteria is a large area and I’m really bad at detecting people. Crowded places like this overwhelm me sometimes. When I was about to reach my phone in my pockets to call Donghyuck, I felt a hand grabbing onto mine. I looked up at the owner of said hands. And damn it, my heart started beating crazily at the sight of Jeno.

“I knew you’ll be lost finding us. That’s why I waited here. Come on, Injunnie. We’re over there.” He pointed at the left corner. True enough, after a minute of squinting my eyes looking for the others, I saw them at a table sitting with... other students?

I swallowed the lump on my throat before releasing Jeno’s hands to grip at my backpack nervously. “Yeah, thanks. Let’s go?”

Jeno quietly nodded.

As we walk closer, I can hear Donghyuck’s boisterous laugh from where I was standing. As their faces grew clearer, so are the unfamiliar faces of four boys sitting comfortably with Jaemin, Donghyuck, and Mark. One of them talking animatedly about something while Donghyuck guffaws.

“Yo guys, I found Renjun,” Jeno announced once we reached the table.

Jaemin automatically smiles. “I told you, we should have fetched him in his last class. Renjunnie tends to get lost in the crowd.” Jaemin instinctively clings to Jeno as the latter sat beside the pink-haired boy. I glance elsewhere. “Yeah haha, it’s okay. Your department building is far from mine so...”

I sat across Donghyuck and beside one of the boys I didn’t know the name of. I didn’t want to sit at the spot Jaemin and Jeno obviously reserved for me. Especially that it’s beside the two of them, where my skin can accidentally brush with Jaemin’s. No. That cannot happen.

“By the way hyungs, this is Renjun. He’s a ‘00 liner and a Chinese but he moved here in Korea when he was little so he’s very fluent. Way fluent than me.” Donghyuck laughed at Mark’s statement. “Renjun-ah, here are the third-year students I told you guys about. This is Jungwoo hyung, Johnny hyung, Jaehyun hyung, and Doyoung hyung.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Renjun. Mark and Donghyuck here have told us so much about you,” the one introduced as Jungwoo, said.

I released a shy smile. “Ah, is that so? I just hope they aren’t anything that can ruin my image,” I said in a small voice.

The three of them laughed, loud enough to startle me for a minute. Wow. They do have that talent, huh?

“Oh nothing embarrassing, don’t worry,” Jungwoo offered a gentle smile. I smile in return.

“So, now that Renjun’s here can we finally get lunch?” Donghyuck asked.

“Yeah man, I’m starving,” the boy called Jaehyun said in English. Earning a scoff from Johnny and Doyoung, if I am not mistaken.

“Let me guess, you didn’t drink your milk this morning?” Johnny asked, again in English, and I really couldn’t understand a single thing.

Mark and Johnny both laughed while Jaehyun threw a middle finger at Johnny. Donghyuck only rolled his eyes. “Okay so nobody cares about your English sort-of sense of humor. Can we like go get lunch now? Because I’m starving like hell.”

Our group decided to get lunch at the counter, picking at the variety of dishes displayed. Well, at least the menu here is so much better than the ones at high school. I feel sorry for Chenle and Jisung who have to put up with their recurring menu including tteokbokki, sushi, and pasta that’s either too bland or too salty (there’s no in-between) for another year. Yikes.

Once we all manage to pick our choice of food and pay at the counter, we all went back to the table. Jaemin chose to stay behind to look out for our table, so Jeno ordered for him. He muttered a small, “Thanks babe” and a kiss on the cheek once Jeno passed him his tray. Donghyuck and the other snickering because of the disgusting “public display of affection”.

I ate silently, hoping to burn down the choke about to form on my throat. We ate in between conversations and though still a bit shy, these hyungs are quite fun to be with. The way they pull jokes with each other and narrates embarrassing stories about Mark when the older is still a freshman. I also manage to laugh a little with the occasional teasing thrown on Doyoung’s part. Jungwoo hyung is especially considerate. He constantly includes me with the conversation whenever I start to slip from it.

For a moment, I think it’s okay. To share a table with these people I know nothing of. It’s okay. Until Jungwoo hyung leave the lunch table apologetically because his boyfriend is looking for him. Until Mark, Johnny and Jaehyun cracked an English joke that started a whole new discussion in English, just between the three of them. Until Doyoung hyung and Donghyuck were too absorbed in their own world, telling each other about their mutual love for singing and music. Until Jaemin and Jeno are too much to even glance at.

I shift uncomfortably on my seat. And again, there’s this unwelcome but not unfamiliar feeling in my chest. I stab the pasta on my plate and look around the cafeteria, mind already coming up with excuses so I could leave the place. I don’t think I could stay longer. I don’t think my smile will be able to last for another minute more.

Yangyang isn’t around. Now that I thought of it, I never saw him this morning either. Though he said last night he had an early class. Probably earlier than mine. I shrugged it off. But then he’s not in the cafeteria either. _‘Did he perhaps ate outside?’_

Since I’ve got nothing better to do. And everyone was busy with their own worlds, I fished out the phone hidden in my pocket. I look at my contacts and runs my hand on the screen, going through multiple names and numbers listed until I find Yangyang’s. Yeah, we exchanged numbers yesterday.

Hesitation my mind for a minute. _‘What_ _are you d_ _oing? He’s just your roommate. Just because he’s nice to you doesn’t mean he likes you._ _You don’t even know each other that long enough to exchange unimportant messages. He doesn’t want to be bothered by your company so put the fucking phone and just leave the table so you can be alone.’_

Before I could ponder longer, my phone vibrated on my hand. I looked down to see a message notification on my notification bar. And it’s from Yangyang.

_**From: Yang2x** _

_**Message:** _ _**Is the cafeteria food nice?** _

I smile before tapping a response.

_**Yeah, it is 10x way better than my usual high school lunch.** _

I bit my bottom lip before typing again. _**Where are u, btw?**_

It didn’t take a minute before he responds. _**You bet. High school menus suck.**_

_**I’m at the dorms, why?** _

_**To: Yang2x** _

_**Message:** _ _**What are u doing at the dorms? :///** _

_**From: Yang2x** _

_**Message:** _ _**Uh, eating mi lunch?** _

_**To: Yang2x** _

_**Message: At the dorms???** _

_**From: Yang2x** _

_**Message:** _ _**Uh... yes?** _ _**Why, first time hearing about someone eating lunch at his dorms? Too nerdy for you?** _

I chuckled. _**No? It’s just, I don’t see you as the type to eat lunch at the dorms instead**_ _ **of**_ _ **the cafeteria with his friends.**_

_**From: Yang2x** _

_**Message: I’m too cool for that. Cafeteria’s for the losers.** _ _**The last thing I want is to eat food around a pack of strangers who don’t even understand what table manners are. ‘** _ _**Sides, dorms are much better alternatives than cafeterias.** _ _**I prefer eating in my comfort** _ _**zone.** _

_**To: Yang2x** _

_**Message: Right. Maybe I should join you sometimes.** _

I pressed send without thinking twice. And after a minute without Yangyang’s reply, the anxiety is filling up my chest again. Did I say the wrong thing? Is it too weird? Yeah, probably too weird. Like, what the fuck are you thinking Renjun? He obviously just announced to your face that he doesn’t want to eat around people?! He probably wants to be left alone and now you, expressing your want to tag along, is a big mistake. And now he would think your clingy, and weird, and annoying. _‘Oh God, I should say something!’_

_**To: Yang2x** _

_**Message: JK! HAHAHAHA!** _

I was about to press send when a message notification pops up. I sighed. _This is it. It’s either his response is of an annoyed person, I’d have to face this. And probably say goodbye to my blooming friendship with my roommate._ With shaking fingers, I open the message.

_**From: Yang2x** _

_**Message: You should, Renjun :)** _

I didn’t know I release a breath of relief I didn’t know I was holding. Oh God. This is too much for my always worried and over-analyzing brain.

“You okay, Renjunnie? Who’re you texting to?” Jaemin asked the question and it caught me off guard. I stare at him and Jeno, who are both looking at me with questioning eyes. I gulped.

“Uh, just my roommate.”

There’s a flash of a strange emotion on Jaemin’s eyes before it disappears, leaving no trace behind. Jaemin’s warm smile and Jeno’s clueless look really stirs a chaos in my heart.

Jaemin turned back to his phone, looking at something while Jeno drank his juice before peeking into Jaemin’s screen. Both smiling and giggling over something only they can see. I look around. Still, Donghyuck is taking his time talking to Doyoung and Mark, Jaehyun, and Johnny laughing over something. It’s still in English, so I don’t understand.

I tried to swallow the remains of my food.

***

It’s hard making friends in the big city especially if you are an awkward mess. You can’t just straight up tell ‘em after a few embarrassing exchange the lines “Hey, sorry I ruined this conversation. I’m not really good at talking to people I don’t vibe with”. See, that’s the problem. I gave short and one-sentence replies and too scared to ask questions because they might turn out dumber as I expected. So I shut my mouth in the end. And that’s how my reputation of being a cold snobby bitch will be born.

Yeah, I hate people sometimes. So it’s okay for them to hate me too. Fortunately for me, college isn’t so dramatic like that. Unlike high school, university students actually have better things to do than entertain themselves with rubbish gossips that involves their schoolmates. And, I get to have different people sitting with me in different classes and different classrooms for different subjects. So, there’s that.

So far I have only made small talks with some of them in my class. Mostly just a few asking questions about the thing the Professor says. And I find it no hard to sport them a small smile and answer their question before going back to writing notes. So far, my favorite class is Introduction to Graphic Designing. The Professor, Mr. Choi, is younger than I expected. He says he’s 30 years old and is a graduate himself here at Yonsei University. Clearly, one thing that didn’t change in college is the way girls would fangirl over hot and hunky male teachers like high school teenagers. Mr. Choi only laughed at the bold questions some girls from our class threw at him. I like the way he kept his smile and smoothly dodge those too personal interrogations without sounding rude at all.

By Wednesday I joined Sicheng ge and his friends for lunch at the cafeteria. Jaemin and Jeno couldn’t come, while Donghyuck and Mark chose to stay with Mark’s older friends. Sicheng ge saved a seat for me on their table. The group consists of Lucas (which I later found out is Jungwoo hyung’s boyfriend), Yuta hyung (Sicheng ge’s overly clingy lover), Kun get, and Ten ge. Kunhang ge, and his partner Xiaojun ge. Overall, I’m surrounded by couples. _Again._

“Hey, Junnie. How’s class?” Sicheng chirped as I sat beside him.

“T’was good, hyung. Thanks for asking.”

“How do you find this school so far? I’m really glad you made it in here, Renjunnie.” It was Kun ge. Kun always has this motherly traits and personality upon him that simply makes him a warm person. He’s the one I am closest to the most in Sicheng’s group of friends. He’s also the one I am the most comfortable with. You can say Kun ge’s my favorite older brother persona after Sicheng. Hell, even _more_ _than_ Sicheng.

“It’s really nice here, hyung. I love my classes and my Professors. They’re really funny, they make our classes more enjoyable.”

Ten snorts from the side. “Yeah, right. Just wait until finals. Those ‘funny’ Professors will be the one to pull you down to hell.”

“Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul! Don’t scare Renjun like that,” Kun warned while Lucas laughs echoed on our table.

“What? I’m just saying. It’s better to be ready ya know?” Ten rolled his eyes and bite on his croissant.

“Well, no one wants to hear about finals yet hyung. It’s the first week of school, geez,” Xiaojun interrupts.

“Will y’all bunch of losers stop scaring my cousin? We’re here to eat lunch and enjoy the one-hour break time before the afternoon class.” They were all silent after Sicheng spoke. I kinda wanna laugh at their kicked-puppy expression. No matter how soft and gentle and cute Sicheng appears to be, the boy _can_ bite when he’s angry.

“Come on, Junnie. I’ll treat you to lunch,” Sicheng stood up and signals for me to follow. So I did. From the distance, I can hear Yuta hyung’s whine that goes, “You never treat me to lunch Chengie!”

Sicheng has an odd choice of friends. Not that I can speak for that matter because I myself is guilty of that crime.

Lunch went smoothly. With me sitting quietly in the corner, except from the occasional questions Sicheng and Kun ge would throw at me. Though they are fun to be with, yet it still feels different. Maybe it’s the age difference, or maybe it’s the fact that they’re not really my friends and we didn't spend a lot of time together in the past. (The only time I actually spent with them is when they all visited our place for Christmas break. And yet still, it’s not like I hang out with them). At least except for Kun ge and Yuta hyung who sometimes visits Sicheng at breaks in Gyeongsang, I don’t honestly know much about everyone. So I couldn’t say my laughter is not forced whenever Ten hyung would mock about something Lucas did a year ago. Or whenever Yuta hyung would sass about Xiaojun and Kunhang's sickening exchange of sweet messages on their group chat. I couldn’t relate to any of them because I’m the new guy. The extra one.

Thursday is the same. Even when it’s only Donghyuck, Mark, Jaemin, Jeno, and I this time, I still felt... _invisible_. Like I didn’t exist. Before, lunch has always been my favorite time of the day. Because I get to sit with my friends and rant about the extremely high shaped eyebrows of our teacher in Arithmetic. Or question the choice of fashion of that one classmate of ours. And even after a hundred topics, one hour is still not enough.

But now, as Donghyuck whispers something on Mark’s ear, Jaemin clinging on Jeno while the latter is busy on his phone, I felt like I didn’t exist. The bile on my throat burns.

When Friday rolled, I started dreading the lunchtime. I began to come up with an excuse for my pathetic self, any reason why I couldn’t join _anyone_ for lunch. Maybe I’ll just stay in the library. Eat a sandwich perhaps in my first class in the afternoon. That would suffice, right?

When the Professor dismissed us, I drop Donghyuck a text message saying I couldn’t join them for lunch because I needed to finish an assignment for my afternoon class. Maybe I kinda hoped that he would ask me why, or he would insist that I’d do it later after I eat lunch with them. Just like old times. Before they all become a couple. Before I started to fade away from their sight. In the end, all I got was a simple _**Okay**_ and a thumbs up from Donghyuck. I smiled bitterly at the response.

I exited the classroom and went to the direction of the library. I didn’t expect to see Yangyang in the corridor. The boy instantly beamed when he saw me.

“Hey! I was just about to call you,” he said once he reached me.

“What? Why?”

“You said you’d join me for lunch. And that sometimes is right now. Come on, let’s eat at the dorms!” He excitedly grabbed my hand and pull me away.

“B-But... w-wait! I ah I was planning to skip lunch tho?” I said, unsure.

“What?! Why?! That’s ridiculous, you shouldn’t skip lunch. Did you know that 78% of people died because they started skipping lunch? If you didn’t eat lunch, your body will run out of nutrients. That is where you’d start catching diseases or illnesses. Lunch is important!”

“Oh-ho. So this is what it feels like talking to a future doctor huh?” I joked.

Yangyang blushed. “Shut up. Come on, let’s just go.”

“I didn’t buy any food though.”

Yangyang, once again, smiled at me. Displaying his perfectly aligned teeth before raising two paper bags on his hand. “Good thing I bought two then.”

I chuckled. “How can you be so sure I’d come with you?”

He shrugged before we started to walk. “I just know.”

“Well, you’re very right there my friend. I don’t think I can ever say no to you.”

I laughed when his face turned beet red after.


	6. Chapter Five: Let’s Talk About Your Problems You’ve Been Keeping From Everyone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, this is only a continuation of the previous chapter. I wanted to post it tonight haha. Anyway, enjoy reading! Have a fun day/night. xx
> 
> \- sungchan

_**Renjun’s** _

Lunch spent with Yangyang is way different than the previous ones I’ve spent with the others. Different not in a bad way. But in a really good way. This time I didn’t have to solely focus my attention on the food on my plate. I have no time to wonder who invented pasta, or why evil things like beans existed, or if a tomato is really vegetable or a fruit. I wouldn’t have to spend an hour poking my food with a fork while everyone around me chattered happily. In fact, I was lost with my conversation with Yangyang.

Now I think I kinda get how my friends feel whenever they’re talking with each other. It’s hard to turn away once you become absorbed into a deep and meaningful discussion. For the first time in a while, I am torn between swallowing my food and talking to my roommate.

We opt to eat on the floor, both of us sitting in front of each other. Yangyang bought a mini table the other day, a portable wooden one suitable for things like this. Yangyang bought Chinese food for both of us. I insisted to pay him back, but Yangyang rashly refused. Saying it’s his treat for his new roommate.

While we ate, we talk a lot of things. _I mostly did._ I hated myself because I cannot stop talking. And I’d probably overthink this later on, because yikes. I’m acting odd by talking too much. I glance at Yangyang from time to time just to study his expression. If I so much as notice a trace of irritation on those deep brown orbs, I’m ready to shut my mouth. But then he’s looking at me like I was narrating the most interesting story he has ever heard. Or at least, that’s what it looks like to me. If he’s just good at concealing his emotions, I don’t know. But his eyes are trained upon mine. Like he was trying not to miss anything that comes out of my mouth. He’s nodding along and releasing small cute sounds as a form of reaction. And I haven’t met someone who is a good listener as Yangyang.

He’s definitely on a different level.

Once I get down from my high, I noticed a large part of our conversation is only all about me. Me talking about how I miss my mother’s dishes, that Chinese food she’d left for me before she and my father leaves for work. About how much I love arts and those group of things I learned today about it at my class. Or how my favorite subject is Introduction to Graphic Designing and the instructor Mr. Choi is really a verified expert when it comes to the subject. Yangyang acknowledging with small comments and smiles and occasional laughter and hums. I’m so focused on talking about myself that I failed to ask him about his day.

“I’m sorry, I’m talking too much didn’t I? Oh God, please I’d really appreciate it if you’d tell me to shut up. I just can’t stop once I get too comfortable with a person,” I sighed, before sipping on my cola.

Yangyang flashed me his kind smile. “No no, I really like it when you talk. Just go on. I like listening to your voice.” He rests his chin on his palm while drinking his beverage, eyes still pierced at me.

I shyly smiled, scratching the back of my ears. “Thanks. I’m usually not like this, you know? Believe it or not, I don’t talk much. Only to the people I am comfortable with. Hell, I don’t exactly speak this much either to my friends, and I’m telling you they are the people I am _most_ comfortable with.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I guess our connection’s just on another level huh? Uh, at least for me.” I blinked. Yangyang was quiet for a minute. Only staring at me again with an unreadable appearance. “Uh, yeah. Forget I said that. That’s probably too wei-”

“I agree with you, Renjun.”

“Really?”

Yangyang nods, accompanied by a smile. “Really. I feel the same.”

I beamed. In some way, Yangyang managed to lift my sour and bitter feeling throughout the week.

“How are your friends?”

“Huh?”

Yangyang shrugged, shifting on his position while his eyes glued on me. “You seemed to be having trouble with them.”

“How do you know that?”

“Just a guess.”

“Oh uh... They’re great. We’re good.” I chuckled.

Obviously, I failed to sound just a little bit convincing to Yangyang. Because the next second, this roommate of mine had the audacity to smirk and sneer at what I said. “Really huh?”

“What? It’s the truth!” Maybe I sounded too defensive when I said that. Yangyang’s snickering only increased.

“You know you can tell me if something bothers you. We’re roommates. I won’t judge.”

I sighed in defeat. “Fine. We’re not really good. Or at least, I don’t feel good. Not ever since then.”

“Since when did this ‘then’ started?”

I look deep into Yangyang’s unblinking eyes. His dark brown orbs melting my insides, encouraging me in some way as it holds unspoken promises that provide me support. I flash a sad smile.

“Now that I really think of it, I guess, it doesn’t just start when we graduate in high school. I’m pretty sure you had friends in high school too. I don’t know if you still talk to them. The fact that you’re from Germany and you moved here in Korea for college.” I chuckled. Yangyang looked indifferent for a second before smiling and signaling me to go on. “Well, I’ve been friends with them. For a very long time, as you already know. I spent my teenage days with them. To the point I can say that I practically grew up with them. Especially Donghyuck. Man, that boy has been attached to me since we’re in grade school. When I’m with them, I feel like I’m home. Like I belong. When I’m with them, nothing else matters. We do crazy stuff together, we make memories and we promised that we’ll laugh at them when we turn 80. We oath to stay friends forever, no matter what.”

“Aww, that’s sweet Renjun.” Yangyang reached out for my hand resting at the top of the wooden table. He squeezes it gently. His hand... is undeniably cold. Still, I appreciate the gesture.

“High school is the best years of my life. Because I get to spend it with them. But with all the good things you cherish, comes the fear of when you’ll lose it. I started fearing graduation. Thinking that things might change between us. Change is inevitable, you know? But now that I think of it, I started feeling this way even before graduation. My best friend started dating Mark hyung. Suddenly, he’d ditch on our promised Sunday friendly dates just to spend time with Mark. Then two of my best friends started dating too. That being around them started to feel wrong. The two youngest in our group, well, sometimes I can’t help but think I was intruding, They just have their own kind of fun that I can’t really understand much.” I laughed.

“They’re nice people. Extroverted and sociable. It’s hard not to like them. And it’s not like I wouldn’t want them to make new friends or to love each other. I think I’m just really scared. I know I am someone replaceable, easily forgotten. I don’t contribute a lot to our group. I am not the funniest, or the most charming, or the loudest, or the craziest. I am just me, Huang Renjun. Nothing special. Not really the most memorable one if you’d ask. And I hate myself because sometimes I feel envious of my own friends. Because they have a lot of options, and it’ll be easy for them to leave me behind. I hate these thoughts most. I feel like I’m being selfish. Because I can’t be 100% happy when they’re happy with other people. They’re actions nowadays don’t help either to ease these emotions.”

Now, that was my first time actually admitting this. To my roommate I barely even know for a week. A part of me hated myself, screaming the word “weak” at the back of my mind. This very conscious part hates it when I open up to people rather than keeping all the thoughts to myself. It’s only a small part of my mind, so it was easily overpowered by my need to tell someone of these poisonous thoughts wrecking my brain for almost a year now. And the relief on my chest, the fact that I’ve let it out, though not exactly to the people I should tell this to but still. The pain diminished somehow.

“I’m so glad you decided to trust me with this, Renjun. I really am.” Yangyang spoke, eyes glimmering in something akin to delight. He smiles so wide, and again I was reminded of Jaemin’s own heart-melting grin. Yangyang stood up from his place then moved beside me, pulling me in a hug. His hand running at my back in a calming manner as he whispers words in my ear. “It’s totally okay to feel like that, Renjun. At the end of the day, we’re all just imperfect beings. But you? _You are perfect._ ” Yangyang stressed every syllable against my ear, all while caressing my back.

“You are not just Huang Renjun. Whoever decides to leave you behind, is a complete fool. It will be your friends' loss, not yours.” He smiled as he faces me, his fingers now brushing the couple strands of hair on my forehead. He looks at me intently in the eye. “There’s nothing selfish about wanting a person’s attention all to yourself. It’s a basic human need. Sometimes I feel it too.”

“Really?”

“Really.” Yangyang giggled before standing to return to his previous position. “If your friends can’t appreciate you, you might as well find a new one. They’re not the only person who have options in their hands, Renjun. Trust me, it’s hard leaving old friends behind. But it’s harder to stay in a crowd where you’re not welcomed.” He shrugged and wiggled his eyebrows, happily finishing the drink in front of him.


	7. Chapter Six: Let’s Talk About Your Type Before I Go On A Lunch With Mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I failed to post this yesterday guys, lol. My internet is being its crappy and shitty self and I don't want to stress myself over it. Anyway, here's it now. Thank you so much for the kudos and the comments. Comment down what you think, I love reading them. Hoping you'll have fun reading this as much as I enjoy writing each chapter! Thank you, xx.
> 
> \- sungchan
> 
> P.S: Stream Ridin' y'all!

_**Renjun’s** _

My first two weeks as an official college student isn’t so much of a hassle considering it’s still the start of the semester. With only a few orientations and introductions, Professors asking us to read a certain page/s in our books for advanced studies, I went through it. My schedule follows the subsequent steps: wake up, go to school, eat lunch, go to afternoon classes, go to work, eat dinner, read a little, sleep. Sometimes I’d do my advanced reading at the bookstore, particularly if there are not a lot of customers passing by.

Within that week, I also grew closer with my roommate Yangyang. Our lunch meetings at the dorm aren’t just a one-time thing. It happened again on Monday, then Wednesday the next week. Tuesday and Thursday I ate lunch with the others simply because I don’t want them to ask unnecessary questions that are hard to avoid. Jaemin and Jeno already asked about my whereabouts upon the days I failed to join them for lunch. I simply said I am working over my assignments at the library because I am too tired or too lazy to do them at the dorms.

Now that Sunday has arrived, I’ve got nothing to do with my time. So I decided to just sit on my bed while playing with my laptop. I just called my parent a couple of minutes ago to update them. God knows whose phone will they bombard with calls and messages if I ever forgot to call them once.

“What are you doing?”

I looked up to see Yangyang looking at me full of curiosity. I move a little so he could sit on the space beside me. Yangyang plopping off the bed immediately. He peeks at my laptop screen.

A sound of snort came from him. “You play Family Farm?”

Facing him, I asked with playful glare, “Why? You never played this before?”

He laughed, the beautiful sound ringing in my ear. His eyes twinkling like the moon when he crossed his arms. “I haven’t. But I’m pretty sure my Grandma would if she’s still alive.”

“Oh shut up, Yangyang. Family Farm is a relaxing game, okay? Definitely much better than any video game. I’d prefer this over Mario Kart.” I look back to my screen to see if my bees already produced enough jars of honey to collect. “Besides, if I can’t own a farm in real life, at least I have one even if it’s on Facebook.” I place the cursor at the wine machine and started filling said device with the grapes I harvested. Automatically, the computer sets a one-minute timer before a bottle of wine is produced.

“Also the graphics are so good. The sounds are very realistic.” Just then, my chickens made clucking sounds from their coops. I smiled casually.

I froze when Yangyang hugged me. All smiles as he said, “You’re so cute, Renjun!”

Chuckling, I snorted, letting his hands wrapped around my waist while his chin rests on my shoulder. I don’t mind skinship anyway. And Yangyang, ever since we met, seemed to be a really clingy person. Though I am not one to initiate a skinship, I don’t mind receiving either.

For a while, we stayed like that. Me, feeding my cows and chicken and sheep, while Yangyang watched while I move with my hands. I didn’t wanna bore him so I exited the game once I’m done with my tasks.

“Aww, you done already?” A cute pout decorates his lips while he said that.

“Yep, Mister.”

I decided to open my twitter account. Yangyang and I already followed each other last week. Though I don’t post much and so is he. Honestly, the only purpose of this social media account is to catch the latest updates from my favorite Kpop groups. Especially EXO. God, I love EXO. It would be a waste if Kai posted a selca on twitter and I don’t have an account to heart it, retweet it and reply to it.

“You really like EXO huh?” Yangyang observed as I directly went to EXO’s homepage.

“Hmm, I love them so much. They’re a part of my teenage years. Especially Kai hyung. The way he dances is just, ugh. Me and my obsession for dancers originated with him.”

Disappointed, I left the homepage as I saw nothing new was up. God, this hiatus from EXO is killing me. I decided to just scroll on my boring newsfeed.

“You’ve been to one of their concerts?” Yangyang asked again.

“Nah, not really. I’ve never left Gyeongsang. This is my first time actually coming up here in the city. Therefore I’ve got no chance of ever meeting EXO back in the days.” I turn to him. “How about you? Do you like any groups in particular?”

He shakes his head. “I am not really into Kpop. I prefer classical music, opera, musicals.”

“Really? Well sweetheart, what can I say? My music taste is diverse. I can go onto squealing mode over EXO performing MAMA into a serious mode when the characters in Carmen started to slap me on the face with their motherfucking soprano notes!”

“Aww, I love Carmen too. How about musicals? Are you familiar with any?”

“Hell yeah! The best musical is... let’s say it in 3, 2...”

“1...” he continued.

“Cats!”

“Phantom of the Opera!”

“Wait, what? You like Phantom of the Opera?” Yangyang pointed at me with a teasing grin.

“And you like Cats?”

“You _like_ Phantom of the Opera?” This time, he laughed. Loudly. “Don’t tell me you had a crush on Erik?”

I threw a pillow at him. “Hey! What’s wrong with Erik?! Don’t give me that look, Liu Yangyang,” I rolled my eyes at him, though the smile on my face pretty much indicates I am far from irritated. I’ve never had an argument like this with my friends. They’re not one bit interested in things like ‘boring operas’ as Donghyuck remarks.

“I think the proper question would be, what is _not_ wrong with Erik?” he laughed again, this time clutching the pillow I threw on him in his lap.

“Don’t judge him like that. Okay fine, he might be a little bit _off.”_

“A _little bit_?”

“Shut up! He might be a _little_ bit off. But, the problem is, the readers and the audience only concentrates on the things Erik did throughout the story. They overlooked the fact that Erik was just a lonely, sad soul who seeks love. Clearly, he hadn’t get an ounce of affection from the people in his childhood. And that’s the main point. He doesn’t know how to _properly_ love someone because nobody showed him how to. How can you expect him to function correctly when nothing in his life is right? So maybe, a conclusion of very yours truly, if a single person, at least just one, cared for him enough instead of treating him like a monster, maybe the story wouldn’t end up tragically. I think he’s just an imperfect human being deprived of dreams and love from a family.”

I smiled bitterly, remembering such a sad character from one of my beloved novels and opera. I didn’t realize a minute has passed until I glance up and noticed Yangyang analyzing me. I laughed awkwardly. “What?”

Yangyang faked a sob as he hugged me again. “Just wanna say you’re a very amazing person, Renjun.”

“I know right? Now get off me. You’re heavy.”

He removed his arms around me and giggled, sitting comfortably beside me. I turn my attention back to my Twitter.

After a few minutes of scrolling and finding nothing interesting, I was about to exit the tab when a notification pops up. It a new post from Jaemin.

_**@na** _ _**na** _ _**_jaemin:** _

_**You’re definitely my Sunday afternoon. My solace and tranquil after a busy week. @jeno_jams** _

Below the caption is a selca of the two. Just your typical pose between lovers. In my case, I was enamored by both of their beauty. Jeno smiling at the lens, his face radiating happy energy while Jaemin’s eyes are completely lovestruck. They look so happy, so lovely, that I couldn’t help but smile. I didn’t realize I’ve been staring too long until Yangyang called my attention.

“Are they your friends?”

I dumbly looked at him. “Huh? Uh... yeah. They are.”

Yangyang leaned closer on the screen, examining Jaemin and Jeno’s face. “They look... okay.”

“Pft, just admit they were good looking. Jaemin and Jeno do not just fall on the “they look okay” category. I won’t mind if you speak the truth, you know?”

“But I’m saying the truth, Renjun.” Yangyang looks at me then at the screen and then to me again. “They’re not my type.”

“And what exactly is your type?” I raised my brows on a challenge.

Yangyang stayed still for a moment before he smiled innocently. “Someone so beautiful that I would want to be reincarnated as their child so that I could breastfeed with them until I’m 20.”

_What the fuck?_

I was about to retort something when Yangyang fucking giggled at my horrified expression before standing and excusing himself to take a shower.

***

After long hours, my morning classes were finally finished. Sighing, I walk at the exit of the lecture hall while balancing the backpack hanging on my shoulder. Today, I am eating lunch with Donghyuck so I plan to go to the cafeteria.

What I didn’t expect is to see Jaemin and Jeno outside. Jeno leaning on the wall, his lips opening and closing while he entertained himself in a conversation with the beautiful Jaemin. I gulp, noticing the way Jeno’s muscular arms were very prominent under his black shirt. How can a person wear a simple shirt and still manage to look _that_ good? His black jeans don’t help at all. His large hand hanging on his side, looking as calloused and rough as ever. Firm muscles ready to pop out any moment if provoked. I hate the way my mind immediately wondered how those hands would feel like against my skin, harshly pressed upon touching that will surely leave a bruise the next day.

And Jaemin. Don’t even get me started with Jaemin. Jaemin whose lush lips’ stretched into a charming smile. His tall yet slim frame was hugged by a cute, pink fluffy sweater, matching his smooth, cotton candy pink hair. With a long necklace hanging around his neck. Even from my side, I can’t help but notice the way his perfectly shaped eyes will twinkle in delight while he talks to Jeno. I’d be lying if I said I never once imagined how they’d look if Jaemin were in between my legs.

‘ _Okay seriously Renjun, you need to stop.’_ I shake the thoughts away and calm my breathing, my heart unsurprisingly pounding fast against my ribcage. I nodded and sighed one last time before moving towards them.

The two were so engrossed with talking to each other that they failed to recognize me. I cleared my throat to announce my presence.

“Renjunnie! You’re finally here!” Jaemin exclaimed happily, enveloping me into one of his tightest hugs. Again, his scent covering my nostrils. I almost sigh in satisfaction and hug back until I stop myself at the last minute. Jaemin might be warm, and cozy, but he’s not the appropriate person to hug. At least, not until I get rid of these feelings.

I separated myself from him and turn to Jeno, who's looking at us with a huge smile. “So, what’s up?”

“Nothing, we decided to pick you in your last class so we could eat lunch together,” Jeno replied.

“You really didn’t have to guys. We’re gonna eat lunch anyway. You should have just waited for me at the cafeteria with Donghyuck.”

“About Donghyuck... yeah, he told us he can’t join us for lunch,” Jaemin said.

“WHAT?!”

“Wow, are you that surprised?” Jeno chuckled before continuing. “Anyway yeah, he said he’d go out with Mark. They’ll probably eat out. That fucker, can’t even invite his best friends.”

‘ _Yeah. That fucker.’_ “Is that so? Then, you should have just sent me a text. You don’t have to go all the way here.” _‘It’s not healthy for my heart.’_ I wanted to add. “You guys can go, I’ll just be at the library then.”

“No can do, Injunnie. If Donghyuck can go eat out with his boyfriend alone, then we’ll eat lunch too. Just the three of us. Like old times,” Jaemin winked after saying that.

I laughed, trying not to sound too nervous in comparison to my inner self now panicking inside. “Ah, hahaha. T-That’s okay, you guys can go. Have a lunch date too. I-I have things to arrange, yeah.” I nod my head, smiling a little, hoping to every god that it comes out at least a little bit convincing.

Jaemin and Jeno tsked. Jeno shaking his head as he crossed his arms, while Jaemin put both his hands around his waist as I remembered how my mother would before she’d go full-on scolding with me.

“You’ve already spent too much time in that library, Injunnie. And we’re jealous, okay? If I didn’t know better, I might think you’re avoiding us.”

“Jaemin’s right. Do you think we don’t notice? The lesser amount of skinship, all the excuses, you don’t also reply to our private messages!” Jeno stated before sighing. His voice softer than ever before he spoke again. “We just want to hang out with you again, Injunnie. Just like old times.”

“What’s the problem, anyway? Is it because we’re a couple now? That you started to feel awkward around us?” Jaemin asked, sadness laced in his voice this time.

“N-No! You know that’s not it.” _‘It’s totally it.’_ “I just... I think you might want some private time with each other. And I don’t want to intrude on that. I don’t want to be caught between you two and be that extra and annoying third wheel when you’re on dates. I’m not avoiding you guys.” _‘_ _I am.’_

Jeno cupped my cheeks, and again my breath hitched when I get a closer view of those beautiful warm brown eyes. His large hand feels so right in my skin. I nearly let myself get lost into it. Again.

“You’re not a third wheel. Jaemin and I like it, no, we love it when you’re around. We’re not complete without you, you know? That even if we get married, we’d still like you hanging with us.” Jeno's voice is full of nothing but sincerity I almost bought it.

“Yeah. Hell, if I could I’d marry you too!” Jaemin added with a laugh.

My cheeks brighten in a shade of pink. Jaemin’s laugh suddenly felt like a sword piercing on my chest. Because _of fucking course,_ it’s nothing but a joke. As if Jeno’s touch was a fire roasting my skin alive, I quickly removed it on my cheeks. I looked away.

“Let’s just go.”

The two hummed in agreement. I walk ahead of them, ignoring their shouts to wait for them. Once I exited the university, I finally inhale the fresh air outside. Hoping I’d calm myself before Jaemin and Jeno catch up onto me. Luckily, they didn’t seem to suspect a thing when they caught up. Though I tried to whisk away my discomfort and the aching sting on my heart when Jeno holds my hand and Jaemin latched his arms into mine.

I walked mindlessly, not knowing where will they take me. The two are talking about this restaurant, saying how good their Korean food is and how they served the best noodles. I didn’t understand the rest, only coming to my senses whenever Jaemin or Jeno would nudge me to ask a question. To which I’d only answer with a nod or a hum.

Their voices are like a delicacy that I’ll never get to have. Their skin against mine was nothing but an aching touch only meant to sting open wounds. I hate them. I want to get away with them.

But at the same time, I don’t.


	8. Chapter Seven: Let’s Observe Silently Behind The Doors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renjun is intoxicating and Yangyang's breath is taken away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you proceed, this chapter contains voyeurism and scenarios not appropriate for 17 and below. If you have no idea what voyeurism is, I suggest you check on google or Merriam. But anyway, this isn't that extreme yet. To be honest, nothing really rated "m" would actually happen here but just to make sure I'm gonna write this as a warning in advance. And I'd assume when you started reading this you're aware of what you sign up for. I'll continuously add on the tags so please check them before you proceed because this might not be the fiction for you. If you don't like any of the elements written on the tag, it's not yet too late to back out. As I've said a lot more will be added to the tag section as the story progress, I refuse to put them all at once because tags can really spoil a story sometimes and I don't want that happening. Also, even I myself don't know what will happen and what I might write in the future. All you need to know is this will "not" be just a fluffy friendship drama college au fanfiction no matter how the first chapters appeared to be.
> 
> So yeah, buckle up folks. This is only the start. And I hope you enjoy reading.

_**Renjun’s** _

“Oh fuck, Jaemin. Shit.”

I shiver at the feeling of my own hands stroking my hard cock. Throwing my head back at the soft pillow, I quickened my pace. The slick sound of my hand moving up and down to my penis echoes in the small room. My other hand raking through my locks as I desperately search for my release.

Once again, in my mind, the image of Jaemin and Jeno fucking relentlessly appeared. Jaemin mewling Jeno’s name as the latter pushes his own cock deeper into Jaemin’s butthole. The sweet _sweet_ sound of Jaemin as he desperately begged on all fours. While Jeno putting his veiny hands into use as he holds on to Jaemin’s waist, slamming into the latter mercilessly. The image is so _so_ sinful that I can feel the heat pulling on my stomach, ready to explode any instant now.

I was so close. With another rasped groan of Jaemin and Jeno’s names, I trembled. I’m cumming.

And then the door opened. Revealing Yangyang whose sweet smile immediately disappeared after seeing the scene he just walked on to. After a second of complete shock, I manage to let out a yelp and threw myself a blanket to cover my lower body. Yangyang too was redder than I have ever seen him since we first met. He instantly looked away whilst still standing at the doorway. Certainly not knowing what to do.

“Oh God, I am so sorry! I uh, I didn’t know. Oh shit,” Yangyang muttered in an embarrassed whisper, eyes still not meeting mine.

At that moment, I didn’t know how to respond. Should I shout in anger? Because clearly a small part of me is pissed because _I was about to cum_! _‘Jesus.’_ But then, I knew I shouldn’t have done this at this time. In the dorms that I clearly shared with my roommate who only left for a while to take a bath. _‘_ _Well, I didn’t know_ _he’d finish immediately!’_

But anyway, it’s not poor Yangyang’s fault. Oh God, this is awkward.

“No, I’m... I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have... done... this... here. I’ll just go!” I quickly look for my pants on the floor. Damn, I’m still rock hard. I’d better finish this at the comfort room. I’ll just tone down the moans, hopefully, there are not a lot of people using it either.

“No!” Yangyang shouted. I stare at him in surprise. He swallowed when our eyes met, looking away after only a second. “I’ll go instead. You uh, you finish what you’re doing. I’ll be back later!”

Before I could respond, Yangyang already closed the door, leaving me all alone again in our room. I released a heavy breath. This is so embarrassing, what the hell.

Hopefully, he didn’t hear the moans. I instantly knock my head with my fist, mentally scolding my idiotic self. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to look straight into Yangyang’s eyes for a while.

Anyway, I can still feel my dick aching and hard, desperately needing attention. I stare at the door for a while, expecting Yangyang who might break in any second. But a minute has passed and there’s only silence, except for my ragged breathing. _‘_ _Did he really go?’_

Of course, he did. What do I expect him to do, stay, and watch his roommate jack off to the thoughts of two boys that are in a relationship? Jesus, that’s fucked up. Anyway, I can’t wait anymore. Considering Yangyang’s kind enough to give me the room for a while, might as well use it to finish my business here.

I lifted and remove the covers on my body. Hand’s slowly stroking my dick again, I groaned. I’ll make it fast this time.

***

_**Yangyang’s** _

It doesn’t take another minute before I heard the faint sound of moaning, obviously from inside the room I am leaning against. I closed my eyes for a while, inhaling sharply as I lost myself on that heavenly sound.

Slowly, I twist the knob. Opening the door and creating only a small gap at the doorway, just enough for me to peep inside with my eye. Renjun doesn’t notice, of course. How can he when he’s so lost in his own pleasure? All gorgeous splayed out on that bed, forehead glistening in sweat as his eyes roll back. His hand moving fast against his hard, red cock.

I want to laugh. He’s so horny he probably forgot to lock the door. Thus, the accident from earlier occurred.

My eyes landed on his figure. Following the movement of his hand jerking off his own dick. Up down. Up down. Every stroke, his body shakes with an extreme amount of pleasure. His other hand tugging at the already wrinkled bed sheets.

I observed the way his reddened lips were opened sexily. releasing choked out sobs against his pillow. I’m sure a pool of saliva’s already evident at both sides of the fabric. His eyes, sadly, were now tightly shut. A part of me was disappointed I couldn’t see how his eyes look in the middle of this carnal view. Is he aware of his sinful doings? I wonder if those beautiful eyes would look just as wrecked as his body. They probably would. Right now, Renjun is a slave of lust. And I am his audience.

He is intoxicating. I feel light-headed just by watching. My mind suddenly circling into the thought. How nice would it be if instead of hiding and watching secretly from this spot, I was the one giving him a handjob instead? The thought made me breathless. My palms suddenly burning as I squeeze it hard. Renjun is now nothing but a mess. A spurt of pre-cum flowing from his cock. I wet my drying lips.

“Jaemin, Jeno, I’m close. Fuck. Ahhh. I’m cumming God.”

I’m sure a prominent line was evident on my forehead when I heard the names coming out from Renjun’s lips. Jaemin and Jeno? I’m sure I’ve heard it before.

‘ _Oh_ _.’_ The name finally clicks. Along with the faces, of course.

My gaze bores into Renjun, unbeknownst to him. The other is chanting those names like a God, followed with a grunt. His hand clutching his cock as he milks it dry. Renjun finally came after another string of “Ahh Jaemin, Je...no. God, fuck.” followed by shallow breathing. The white substance flowing down on his stomach as they paint Renjun’s skin in pretty patterns.

Again, my dazed eyes stare at the boy catching his breath. _‘_ _He’s so perfect.’_ His cock softening between his thighs and his forehead coated in a thin sheen of sweat. His eyes are so lifeless as it stares blankly on the walls. For a minute, I thought those gazes are for me. Those perfect orbs penetrate into my soul like no one else. Renjun lies there for a minute, probably too caught up in the afterglow to move for a while.

From here, I think it was possible to smell the musky scent of his sweat and his sweet, delicious cum. The faint scent of them is enough to make me feel light-headed.

I quickly closed the door, without making any sound of course, before Renjun came back to his senses. Leaning against the door frame, I finally am able to release the breath I didn’t know I was holding.

I have watched a lot of porn, and seen a lot of men willing to jerk themselves off in front of me. But nothing, _nothing_ , can be compared to _that_ sight of Huang Renjun.

Hearing a sound of shuffling from inside, I didn’t hesitate to move away from the door. I have to leave. But of course, not before taking care of my own problem, I thought as I glance at the obvious sight of a hard-on under my sweatpants.

***

_**Renjun’s** _

It is seven when I got back to the dorms. Due to the fact that it’s a little hectic at the shop, Joy noona and I decided we’d extend the store hours until 6:30. I massage my worn-out shoulders while I wait for the elevator to open up. _‘Damn, did I overwork myself today?’_ I mused to myself.

When the elevator opens, I walk straight to my room number, fishing out the keys in my pockets. Once inside, I was startled to see Yangyang sitting at his bed while reading a book. He looks up at the sound of the door opening and immediately flashes a bright smile when he saw me. I cleared my throat awkwardly.

“Hey. What’s up?” I greeted, trying to look at anything but his eyes.

To be honest, I have never seen Yangyang or had a proper conversation with him since _that_ day. We never agreed to eat lunch over the dorms for the past days. Yangyang has evening classes too, he’d usually get back at nine or before ten. By that time I’m already asleep. Even in the mornings, he’d be the one to wake up earlier between the two of us because he had early morning classes. It seems like pursuing a medical degree leaves your schedule jam-packed. That moves me back to my wondering, Yangyang wasn’t supposed to be here until nine. So why is he?

“My evening lecture was canceled. Something about our Professor getting sick or something,” he explained.

“Oh, I see.”

I removed my sweater, hanging it at my closet doors before sitting on my bed. While I remove my boots, he asked me. “So how was work?”

“M fine. Tiring. I think I’m suffering from back pain.”

I heard him laugh. “You better be careful with those bones, Renjun. You don’t wanna suffer from bone and muscle malfunctions at an early age.”

“Oh, shut up Yangyang. I bet I can run faster than you, and can definitely beat you into arm wrestling.” I was relieved. It’s so easy to talk to Yangyang like this again. Yangyang doesn’t really say anything about that incident when he caught me err, jerking off. And I, of course, never said anything either. For me, it was nothing but a memory I wished to bury forever at the depths of my mind. I\m just relieved Yangyang didn’t act awkwardly around me after.

I straighten my back, twisting my shoulder a little. It really hurts. Presumably because of the position I’ve been in at the front of the computer for hours, taking in orders and money from the customers. Add the little headache slowly developing in my head. Jesus.

Groaning, I splayed myself in the mattress. I am not even hungry, I just wanna sleep. I closed my eyes, trying to forget the pain throughout my body.

“Here, let me help you with that.”

Before I knew it, Yangyang went to me and helped me sit up. I hesitantly follow. He asked me to sit straight, thus resulting in my back throbbing a little from the position. Yangyang moved behind me, his dainty fingers gently pressed against my shoulder blades while he started to squeeze on my flesh.

I can’t stop the moan from leaving my mouth because damn, it’s so _good_. Yangyang laughed softly. “You like it?” He puts pressure on a certain spot, thumbs pushing further. I rolled my head in pleasure. Whispering a quiet, “So good. God. Do it again.”

Yangyang shifts closer, too close that my back is almost leaning against his chest. I can feel his breath fanning against my ears while he continues his pace.

“How’s that?” Yangyang whispered.

At the moment, I didn’t realize my eyes are closed when I nod. Welcoming the overwhelming pleasure coming from Yangyang’s hands. “Mm, so good. Press harder.”

Chuckling merrily, he did what he was told. His fingers gently massaging on my back was lulling me into another level of comfort, I almost want to sleep.

“Maybe you should lie down, hmm? On your chest, darling.”

I was too out of it to utter a response. Sleep is pulling me in and Yangyang’s ministration isn’t really helping. With his assistance, I found myself lying on my bed, chest pressed against the mattress.

“You know, I should remove your shirt, Renjun. I have some peppermint oil. I’ll rub some on your back.”

Yangyang’s fingers lifted the hem of my shirt, pulling it out of my head and my willing hands. My skin was greeted by the cool air but somehow it’s not uncomfortable for me. It actually adds to the pleasant sensation. I felt a weight lifted from the bed when Yangyang stood to went to his drawer, probably for his peppermint oil. When he came back, I feel his light weight behind me. I whiff a scent of menthol mixed with the aroma of oil before Yangyang’s skillful hands moved again. His slick palm running all throughout my back, spreading the oil through my skin.

“Is it good? Am I doing well?” he whispered against my neck.

I could only groan.

Yangyang started humming a lullaby.

“So... this is what it felt like having the only son of one of the wealthiest men in Asia do me a free massage huh?” I croaked.

“Well, this son of the wealthiest man in Asia took a particular liking to you. You should be happy.”

“Mm, I should. Maybe I’d post about this online. Liu Yangyang, son of the owner of Liu Hospitals, Liu Health Care Centers, and Good Heart Pharmaceuticals, giving me the best massage ever.” I manage a laugh.

His delicate hands, oh so lightly running throughout my skin, was the last thing I remembered before sleep consumed me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so SORRY. Oh God, I am not that good at writing this kind of thing. I'm still learning and truthfully scenarios like this were sort of like a practice for me before I get to the real deal. Hopefully, this doesn't turn out as bad as I thought it to be. 
> 
> If you ever reach this far, I love you. I hope you're having a good day/night. Don't forget to leave comments if you have time. And thank you for all the kudos that you've given me. They really motivate me a lot. Thank you. xx
> 
> \- sungchan


	9. Chapter Eight: Let’s Plan Your Birthday And Hope For The Best

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate the title of this chapter, it obviously sucks because I suck at coming up with titles. Lmao. But another thing you need to know, I am following a timeline in this story. The story's setting starts in early March, beginning of the Spring season. And I know it's a little late but Renjun's just about to celebrate his birthday here in this fic. So yeah, just wanna let y'all know so we can avoid confusion. 
> 
> Enjoy reading y'all!~

_**Renjun’s** _

“Okay so let me ask you this one thing. You know there’s always this over-generalized belief going around between art and design. People saying the two were the exact same thing. Any design is considered art, and you make art to create a design. Do you agree, Mr...?” Mr. Choi looked around the lecture hall, searching for a potential student to answer his question. He flashes his charming smile when he caught my eyes. “Mr. Huang?”

I cleared my throat, feeling the anxiety as all eyes of the students in the room is on me. I sat properly and answered. “I uh _think_ that design and art have some particular differences that separate them from each other.”

“And what could be those differences?”

“Well um for me art is something beyond the reality. It acts on the mind and it emphasizes things or ideas to consider that are sometimes beyond our imagination. While design, it is more restrained. Design is all about solving problems and achieving solutions with measurable results. Design changes the world, while art changes the people in it.”

“In simpler terms, good art inspires. While good design motivates.”

The proud smile etched on Mr. Choi’s face while he clapped his hand slowly filled my heart in pure delight. I am very pleased with my answer and I’m just glad my voice didn’t shake and my mind didn’t blank out for a second there.

“You know, I’ve been teaching in this school for the last few years, and I can say Yonsei University’s students always exceed my expectations. I _love_ your answer, Mr. Huang. Good art inspires and good design motivates. So... because of that,” Mr. Choi stood from his position sitting position at the desk, moving towards the whiteboard as he wrote the words “graphic quotation”. “I want you to motivate your classmates, schoolmates, me, _yourself_ , by creating a graphic quotation. This will be your first requirement in my class. First, find a quote that you may have heard or like. It could also be your own quotation. Anything that motivates you right now. Using just a sentence or two from that quote, design a graphic, and make sure it conveys the feeling of your quote. Well, you can use anything to design your graphic. Papers, pens, markers, photoshop, illustrator, it’s entirely up to you. Remember, the materials don’t matter. What matters is your design. That’s what I’ll be looking forward to. You’ll be passing it next week, so make sure you’re finished by then.”

Mr. Choi glances at his wristwatch and announces, “Class dismissed. I’ll see you next time. Bye.”

I stand from my seat, satisfied for this morning’s lessons. _‘_ _I’m gonna have to start looking for good quotations. God knows I can’t choose a favorite one.’_ I made my way through the university’s hallways, then to the cafeteria where everyone is waiting. I sighted Donghyuck and the others at our usual table. It wasn’t hard to find them anymore since we basically adopted that usual table from the first day.

“How’s class?” The greeting came from Jeno who casually smiled at me.

“Fine. I really love my Professors, especially Mr. Choi.” I sighed as I drop the bag on the seat beside Mark.

Jaemin and Jeno offered to go get us our lunch. So Donghyuck, Mark, and I was left at the table.

“So... any birthday plans yet?”

“Huh?” I confusedly gave Dongyhyuck a look.

“Told ya, this idiot’s forgotten his birthday,” Donghyuck rolled his eyes at Mark as he pointed at me.

“I don’t get it. How could anyone forget their birthday?” Mark complained.

“Ask Renjun, not me.” Both of them faced me. “Your birthday’s like in a few days?”

“Oh. Right.” I forgot. March 23, my birthday of course. And it’s March 20. Jesus Christ, it’ll be in two days' time!

“And that’s where he realized his birthday will be in two days' time,” Donghyuck singsonged.

“Shut up, Hyuck. I forgot okay?”

“Yeah yeah, we get it. That’s why you should be glad you have awesome friends like us.” He winked. And why do I have a feeling I’m not liking what’s gonna come next?

“What is it you’re planning again?” I groaned.

My good for nothing of a best friend just grinned. “Good you asked. So, Mark and I found a place not too far from here. They serve good drinks and delicious food and their dance floor is larger than the club here. _And,_ most importantly, they are open all week! We can totally go for a Monday night out!”

“Are you nuts?! We have classes, Hyuck! The next morning!”

“And... we’ll come to those classes. We’ll leave early and then we’ll be back before the clock strikes at twelve. We’ll have a good night’s sleep and we’ll wake up the next morning, just in time before our first class starts. Easy peasy.”

“Hyung, can you please knock some sense into your boyfriend’s head? It seems like he lost his brain or something, probably left it behind in Gyeongsang.”

“Oh come on Ren, it’s _your_ birthday! Let loose. And I promise the thing that happened in the bar last time won’t happen again this time.” Mark tried to sound as convincing as he could be.

“What are you three talkin’ about?” Jaemin and Jeno arrived just in time with two trays full of our food.

“Oh good, you two arrived. Could you please slam these two idiot’s heads on the walls so they could understand how celebrating my birthday in another bar is such a bad idea?!”

Jaemin and Jeno were quiet for a while as they sat comfortably across us. The two couples exchanged a look. Jaemin and Jeno’s are mirrored by guilt while Donghyuck only grins while Mark sighed, grabbing his cola at the silver tray to drink.

“Oh honey, it’s actually Jaemin and Jeno’s idea that we celebrate your birthday somewhere. They’re the ones who search at the place and found this luxurious bar not too far from here,” Donghyuck spoke.

I turn to the two looking as guilty as ever. And God, I can’t even say something against them.

“Injunnie, we just want you to have fun. And to erase that memory the first time we went into a club. This time, we promised, we’ll make sure you’ll have fun,” Jeno tried to talk to me.

“Plus, you’ve been so worked up in your classes and job that I don’t think you’ve actually had fun since you arrived here in Seoul. We just want you to explore things, experience them, have delight in finally being an adult. And this is your birthday so we want you to try and have fun over things. We just don’t want you to feel lonely. This is supposed to be a fresh start and a new journey for all of us,” Jaemin softly explained.

I breathed. “I get it. You guys just want me to “have fun” by doing “adult things”. Okay, fine. Whatever.”

“So you’re gonna come then?” Donghyuck hopefully asked.

Rolling my eyes, I grunt as I picked up my plate. “Do I have a choice? I’m quite sure you guys are gonna pull me into that place willingly or not.”

All of them shared a grin as I scoffed. “Great! We promise you this will be the best birthday ever!”

I rolled my eyes once more while shaking my head. Well, it’s far from our usual picnics and sleepovers from my past birthdays. But... I guess it wouldn’t be bad to give it a try. Also, this is a perfect opportunity to erase that bad memory the first time I enter a bar. Who knows? Maybe I’ll actually like it this time. Perhaps I’m just really not in the mood last time or that bar is just really shitty with their crappy music and all.

Maybe this time I can convince myself to “have fun”.

***

My classes for the afternoon won’t be starting in an hour, so deciding to nap for the meantime, I go back to the dorms. And Yangyang was setting up a large poster on the wall when I came in.

“Oops, now the surprise is busted,” he playfully said with a pout. I stare at him with amusement as his hands ran over the bottom part of the poster to press it, sticking the object gently on the walls. I crossed my arms with a small smile as I asked, “What is this?”

“Well, you said you like Phantom of the Opera, so tada! I got you a poster!” Yangyang’s smile can be compared to the bright city lights as he presented the huge poster on his wall. And sure enough, when I scan a look over the poster, it looks just like the official poster when the novel was reformed into a movie, released by Andrew Lloyd Weber a decade ago. The poster looked just as classic as the novel. With an image of Erik and Christine and the title printed in elegant fonts. It’s so beautiful.

“Since it’s too big to fit into your side of the room, I decided to just put it here.” The poster was on the right side, just beside the door. It’s totally understandable the poster wouldn’t be able to make it on my side. I’ve already filled in my wall with a bunch of EXO posters, individual and as a group. I just can’t believe Yangyang would sacrifice his bare walls just for me. And he doesn’t even like Phantom of the Opera that much.

“Well? Say something. Do you not like it?” I was alarmed at the hint of sadness and disappointment in Yangyang’s tone when he asked that question.

Shaking my head furiously, I said, “Are you crazy? I _love_ this! God, Yangyang! I just... wow! I can’t believe you’d do this for me. How do you even manage to get this poster? I even searched eBay and I swear this classic poster has long vanished from the sight of the Earth!”

Yangyang winked, smiling smugly. “I’ve got my connections, Renjun.”

“Yeah right. I totally forgot. You’re rich as fuck. Well, thank you. Wow. This is the best birthday gift ever.” My smile is so wide right now I’m sure it’s gonna start to hurt my face any minute if it stays longer.

“ _What?_ Birthday gift?”

I turned to Yangyang, expression morphing into confusion. “Isn’t this an advance birthday present for me?”

“ _No!_ I didn’t even know it’s your birthday!” I flinched at the sharp inflict on Yangyang’s tone. It’s the first time I heard it and right now, all the traces of the playful and smiley Yangyang from earlier is long gone. As his facial expression turned into a complete 180. His brows knitted, a frown etched on his soft features and there’s something in his eyes I can’t quite put a finger on.

“I thought you knew-”

“ _Well, I didn’t.”_

“Okay, uh, it’s on March 23rd. I’m turning 20 this year” I don’t know why but I just had this instinct to choose my words carefully.

“March 23rd. Do you know what date it is today? It's _March 20_!”

“Hey! Why are you so worked up about this? It’s just my birthday.”

“It’s not _just_ your birthday! You should have told me! Why didn’t you tell me earlier?!”

Okay, now I think sleepiness has left off my body. With Yangyang started to pace back and forth, hands tugging over his now messy hair, whispering words to himself that only he could understand. I tried to reach out for him but then stopped midway when he turned to me. Eyes indifferent and forehead a little moist.

“Are you okay, Yangyang? You don’t look good right now.” It’s true though. He looks paler than usual.

He released several heavy breaths with eyes closed, presumably to calm himself, and in a few seconds, the frown on his face gradually faded.

“You mad? Look, I just really forget my own birthday sometimes. This is just one of those times. I didn’t realize it either until Donghyuck told me. I’m sorry I guess.”

Yangyang took a few minutes before he opened his eyes. Finally, it was the same kind and warm eyes Yangyang always wore. The smile in his face is back though I felt like he’s still a little uneasy. But I shrugged the thought off, as Yangyang flashed his sweet smile to me.

“No, don’t be. It’s my fault. I overreacted. I think I’m just stressed because my classes this morning really gives me a hard time. I didn’t mean to snap at you, Renjun. I just don’t want to miss your birthday. And I wished I could have known sooner so I could prepare something for you.”

Now, the sincerity that laced under Yangyang’s tone when he said the last two sentences just made me smile. It’s true that I often forgot my birthday, and sometimes I don’t want to make a big deal out of it. But seeing my roommate so sincere about it just makes my heart clench in joy.

I pull him into a hug. Though he’s taller than me, almost as tall as Jaemin but not as quite, I honestly felt like he’s just a small bean that craves for affection sometimes. I didn’t know his issue about his family but I didn’t have to hear everything to understand that his parents are not a very _loving_ type. So even though it’s not even a month yet when we met, there’s always this urge and instinct inside of me that wants to protect him. I would also be lying if I said it didn’t satiate my pride and ego whenever he depends and clings to me.

I like knowing that people need me sometimes.

“You don’t have to prepare for it, Yangyang. It’s not a big deal, really. Just greet me a happy birthday is more than enough. Plus, you already gave me one of the best gifts ever.” I smile and pointed at the poster on the wall when I pull away from him.

There’s a pout evident on his face as he said, “Still, I want to give you something.”

“Yangyang, you really don’t have to. You’ve already given me enough.”

He buried his face on my neck when he hugged me again, tighter this time. His hands around my waist almost suffocating me as he pulls me closer yet I didn’t say anything, only letting him be.

“But Renjun, _you deserve the whole world_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there goes another episode of Donghyuck pressing Renjun to go to a nightclub. Yikes. Y'all better anticipate that birthday bec I'm telling you a lot will happen. And that was just the start. 
> 
> So if you like this chapter, leave comments. Again, thank you for the kudos. I appreciate it. See you next update. xx
> 
> \- sungchan


	10. Chapter Nine

_**Renjun’s** _

_**1 unread message** _

_**From:** _ _**Nana** _

_**Message:** _ _**Injunnie, we are so sorry! I don’t think we can make it tonight! Apparently, we found the evilest Professor to ever exist in this university : < She made us **__**do a 20 pages research paper, all due tomorrow! Can you believe that?! Jeno and I have no choice but to pull an all-nighter : < I’m really really sorry :(( Jeno is very sorry too :((( ** _ _**I promise we’d make it up to you after we slap this research paper toward that evil Professor’s face! >//< ** _ _**Enjoy your night and happy birthday our little spoon! <3 <3 <3 xxx** _

I tried to swallow the disappointment piling up in my chest. _Of course._ Anyway, it’s a pretty good reason to ditch a birthday celebration. It’s not like I’m mad or I hate them for not making it. It will be petty for me to throw a tantrum just because they choose their grades over me. Heh. The only thing I hate right now is the obviously bad timing. I hate the fact that my birthday is on Monday. And I started to loathe that evil Professor too, whoever she is.

_**It’s okay! I understand : ) Have a good night you two. Make sure not to skip dinner!** _

I contemplated for a minute before deciding to press send. Minutes after, I received a response.

_**Please don’t get mad at us : < And yes, we’ll eat dinner :< ** _ _**You guys enjoy your night, okay? Update us from time to time!** _

I locked my phone and put it inside the pocket of my coats. I am not mad. Just a little sad. This is the first time Jaemin and Jeno couldn’t make it to my birthday celebration. Yes, that’s it. The concept of not seeing the loves of my life on my special night totally isn’t one of the reasons why.

‘ _At least they manage to greet me today at lunch. So there’s that.’_ It’s the first birthday without Jisung and Chenle too. Though Chenle called me at 2 a.m (I still don’t understand why he’s awake and what’s he doing at that time of the night! The brat of a child didn’t even give a proper answer when I asked him), wishing me a happy birthday. Jisung posted a photo of the two of us. A picture I remembered taking on the same night of our graduation day when we slept over at Chenle’s. Captioned with a long-ass message that I’m not sure whether to cry for in delight or in frustration.

The huge wall clock displayed on the grey walls between the wooden shelves says it's 06:20 in the evening. I just cleared the counter while Joy noona put up the closed sign at the glass doors. I was done putting my coats on and grabbing my backpack, only waiting for Joy to turn off the electrical switch.

“Let’s go.” Walking up to the door once she’s done, I followed her behind. I put the heavy metal padlock, making sure the doors were locked before we leave it. We walked together for a while, Joy ranting about how Mondays are the worst day of the whole week while I listened silently. We walked the streets for a while before we part ways. As the dorms and Joy’s apartment are quite the opposite direction from each other.

“See you tomorrow, Jun. Enjoy your night okay? Don’t sleep with strangers!” Joy shouted to which I immediately blush in embarrassment as she yelled the words in public.

“Yeah yeah, noona! Bye!” I waved.

“Again, happy birthday from the prettiest and loveliest girl in the world! Bye!”

Once she’s gone, I sighed in relief. Joy noona can be as loud and as embarrassing as Donghyuck sometimes. I can feel it the whole afternoon when I told her I have plans tonight with my friends to celebrate my birthday in a nightclub. Joy suddenly warned me not to accept drinks from random strangers, assuming I might just wake up the next morning with a sore body in an unfamiliar room. _Jesus._

Still, I appreciate the worry. But the embarrassment is still there.

When I reached the dorms, I dig for my phone and sent Donghyuck a quick text. Informing him that I’m done with my shift. Before going to the nightclub, we plan to eat dinner first.

The night hasn’t started yet and I can already feel myself all worn out. Hopefully, I’d last through the evening.

***

Yangyang is inside when I enter the apartment, cozily lounging on his bed while scrolling through something on his phone. Looking up, his eyes automatically beaming and lips curving into a smile as he saw me came in.

“Oh, you’re here.”

“And so are you. Aren’t you supposed to be in your class?” I asked while removing my coat and placing my backpack on my bed.

“My Professor had a stomachache so... classes are canceled,” Yangyang explained.

I bob my head in understanding before I sat on my mattress, removing my socks and shoes in the process. “Your Professor is prone to sickness huh? I remember last time you told me this Professor couldn’t make it because of a fever. Is this the same instructor?”

“Funny how she teaches us things about health care when she can’t even take care of her own self, right?” Yangyang laughed as he said that. I chuckled a little and nods before grabbing a towel and a few clothes along the way.

“Imma go have some quick shower,” I excused myself. I thought a quick bath would do before Donghyuck and Mark arrive.

“Oh, sure.” Yangyang smiled sweetly before I close the door, making my way to the public bathrooms.

I finished in less than 20 minutes. There are not many students using the shower in this time of the night. Probably because some are busy with their evening classes while some are simply done with things and left with nothing to do but chill inside their rooms. Although it wouldn’t be surprising half of them just really don’t want to use the bathrooms at nights. The atmosphere and the area could be creepy especially if you’re alone. Contrary to the mornings, where every stall is full you’d have to wash up early and quick so you'd avoid going late in your first class.

I came back already dressed, choosing a beige turtleneck shirt partnered with jeans and my favorite boots. I don’t really own a lot of clothes to choose from but I knew turtlenecks never disappoints, they’re one of my favorite clothing styles. A turtleneck topped with a jacket or coat is my official fashion statement.

“And who might you be, gorgeous man?”

Yangyang’s teasing statement made me roll my eyes playfully. He was still in the same position I left him in few minutes ago. “Shut up, Yangyang.”

The sound of his giggles filled the room. “You look gorgeous.” He came in front of me and wiped the invisible dirt on my shirt. “Sit on your bed, lemme style your hair, hottie.”

I laughed. “Don’t call me that. It’s embarrassing.”

“It’s not. I’m simply stating facts. Plus, it’s your birthday. You deserve honesty.” He rummaged through his drawers to find wax and a small comb. He went back in front of me and runs his hands on my still wet hair. His face is so close that I can feel his own breath touching my face. He’s so focused on his task to the point he probably didn’t notice me staring.

I was suddenly remembered of a certain scenario from years ago.

“ _Renjunnie! Don’t move_ _! It’ll ruin my work!”_ _Jaemin’s face is_ _nothing but serious as he puts another_ _layer of eyeliner_ _at the top lid of my eyes._ _His breath is fanning against my cheek, his lips so close, only a few centimeters apart from mine_ _that I had to swallow the forming lump on my throat, while I tried my best to stop myself from closing that distance between us._

“There you go! All perfect!” Yangyang smiled when he finished, standing straight as he proudly looks at his work. I reached for the nearest mirror and take a glance over my hair. It’s nice. The style isn’t so bad.

“Did you know that you’re almost close to perfect?” I asked Yangyang when he turned his back on me to place the wax in his drawer. He turns to me with an amused smile before plopping down beside me.

“Am I?”

“Yeah! You give the best massage, you can style my hair? You even manage to buy me a limited poster! What, the next thing I know you're cooking me five-star hotel dishes.”

“Do you want to?”

I look at Yangyang in disbelief. “Okay dude, calm down. I was joking.” I laughed because his face is so serious I am not sure if he got my sarcasm or what. “Wait, can you?” I asked again when he doesn’t change his expression and I realized that yeah, he _might_ be serious.

“I am capable of anything, Renjun. All you gotta do is ask.”

“Okay, I get it now Mr. Perfect. I’ll think about it.”

Finally, he broke out into playful laughter again when he said, “Yeah tell me whenever you’re sure.”

“Anyway, I forgot to ask you, why are you so dressed up? You got any plans tonight? It’s your birthday. Maybe we could-”

Yangyang was interrupted by a knock on the door. “I’ll get it.” I stood from the bed and opened it. Revealing Donghyuck who quickly scans me from head to toe.

“Wow, Junnie. You look _hot_.”

“Well, good evening to you too, Hyuckie,” I rolled my eyes at the compliment. Though I act like I hated it, and even if a part of my mind doesn’t think it’s true, still it made my heart swell in happiness. Who doesn’t like compliments?

I opened the door wider to let him in. Then I rummage through my closet, finding the denim jacket I wished to wear tonight while Hyuck invites himself in.

“Why aren’t you answering my messages, loser? I sent like a ton of them for the last five minutes?!”

“Sorry, I haven’t checked my phone since I took a shower. Anyway, where’s Mark hyung?”

“Mark’s at the parking lot. He borrowed Johnny hyung’s car.”

“Cool.”

I smiled when I finally found the jacket and didn’t hesitate to wear it. I turn to Hyuck and Yangyang, surprised at the sudden squealing from my best friend.

Donghyuck beat me to it before I could say anything.

“Wow! I need to take pictures of this! And then I’m gonna post it in Twitter to flaunt this gorgeous sight in front of me that pitiful Jaemin and Jeno unfortunately missed.” I tried not to groan when flashes of his camera started hitting my face as Donghyuck took multiple shots. God knows how many.

Seeing Donghyuck got lost with his phone after taking photos of me, I could only assume he’s already posting it on Twitter, tagging Jaemin and Jeno along with it. Remembering Yangyang who didn’t say a word since Donghyuck came in, I felt completely guilty that I forgot him for a second. He remained seated on my bed, face void of emotions.

I poked him on the shoulder. “Hey.”

“Hmm?” He was released from his trance as he acknowledges me with a smile.

“I forgot to introduce you to my friend. Sorry. This is Donghyuck. He’s one of my best friends. Hyuck, this is Liu Yangyang. My roommate.”

Donghyuck removed his gaze from his phone and turn to look at Yangyang. Being the extroverted and sociable person that he is, he flashed a friendly smile towards Yangyang. “It’s nice to meet you, Yangyang. I’m Donghyuck.” My best friend extended his right hand for Yangyang.

Only to be left untouched as my roommate only spared it with a glance far from the usual warm look on his dark brown eyes. I couldn’t decipher the look he had as he simply stared down at the hand awkwardly extended on the air.

Donghyuck, even with his friendly and loud personality, obviously didn’t know what to do either with the awkward situation right in front of him. In the end, I laughed and clung my arms to Donghyuck’s extended hands instead. But I bet the laughter sounded just as awkward as the situation on hand.

“Yikes, haha, Yangyang here doesn’t do handshakes, Donghyuck. Have I told you he’s half German, half Chinese? Though he’s Chinese, he’s raised in Germany. They probably have some other way of greeting other than handshaking. Hahaha, culture differences sucks don’t they?” I obviously have no idea what I’m talking about. In my head, I apologize to Germany and to all Germans out there. But I hope that's really the case.

“Oh. Right. Yeah, it’s okay. Haha.” It seems like Hyuck got my point because he laughed along, not as awkward as my laugh, but awkward still. “By the way, is that your real name? Yangyang?” Donghyuck asked, obviously not giving up yet despite the embarrassment he experienced a minute ago.

“Yes. It is.” I released a sigh of relief when Yangyang finally answered this time.

“That sounds like a nickname to me. But anyway, Yangyang is too ugh. It doesn’t sound good for a real name. How about I give you an official nickname? Yangie? Or Yang?”

“Yang sounds good,” I agreed.

But unfortunately, Yangyang doesn’t think so. “I like Yangyang.”

“Oh.”

And there it is, the awkward silence again. I try to look around for anything, anything that could save me from this situation. God, why is this situation even happening in the first place? I don’t understand. Yangyang is usually a goofy person, at least with me. I never got to know how he is when interacting with other people. I never met his friends either. I just assume he has friends though he never introduced them to me. I blame the fact that we’re from different departments and we obviously do not cross paths at the university often.

I noticed Yangyang staring at something. At us? I followed his line of sight and it falls on Donghyuck and I’s interlinked arms. I suddenly felt weird and I don’t know why but my instincts tell me to let go. The frown on my roommate’s face decreased in intensity when I did.

“So what I was saying from earlier, Yangyang, me and my friends decided to spent the night out in a nightclub to celebrate my birthday. Of course, we’re gonna eat dinner first. Would you like to... come? I mean, that’s okay right, Hyuck?” I broke the silence and was hoping to save this awkward atmosphere by asking that question. Donghyuck agreeing when I turn to ask him.

“Yeah. You can totally come with us. Though if you could please change clothes a bit faster, I’m quite sure my boyfriend’s gonna call me any minute now because he doesn’t have a lot of patience when it comes to waiting.”

“Nightclubs aren’t really my thing,” Yangyang flat out rejected before standing and moving back to his own bed. We watch him as he took his iPad and plugged his earphones on.

“O...kay?” Donghyuck gave me a look and I only shrug. I myself couldn’t answer whatever Donghyuck’s questions either regarding my roommate's unusual behavior.

I tried to push it off at the back of my mind with the reason Yangyang’s probably tired. Or maybe he’s just really awkward. Besides, with the past weeks I’ve spent with him since we first met, I think he’s pretty introverted too. That’s why we click so easily.

Yeah, that’s probably it. He just doesn’t know how to handle extroverts like Donghyuck. Hell, if Donghyuck is not my best friend I’d probably act weird too. Especially when someone I didn’t know well wanted to give me a nickname.

I spoke a quiet goodbye before we left the room.


	11. Chapter 10: Let’s Run Away From Danger, Shall We?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, all I can say is I don't know how this ends up longer than I expected. I'm not absolutely a hundred percent satisfied with this chapter, tbh. Sorry if this is a mess. 
> 
> \- sungchan

_**Renjun’s** _

So far the night is going well. Actually, I find myself enjoying myself. We ate at this noodle house that serves really good jjajangmyeon and red bean steamed buns. At the noodle house, what I did not expect is to see Sicheng ge and Yuta hyung already waiting for us. They reserved a table for us and with Sicheng hyung approaching me with a hug, a soft whisper of “Happy birthday” at my ear, I couldn’t be any happier. Yuta hyung followed, greeting a happy birthday brought by his unique and warm smile that could entrance anyone who’d see.

Jisung and Chenle faced time us before our orders arrived. The two youngest started with the loudest happy birthday, earning us a few looks from the people beside our table. Chenle’s unique dolphin laugh and Jisung reciting his impromptu rap with their birthday hats on is a sight to see. Sicheng ordered a couple bottles of soju in advance and we made a toast for my 20th birthday, Jisung and Chenle pouring an iced tea for themselves. Donghyuck was the one who leads the speech for my birthday. Jaemin and Jeno called minutes before we eat and I genuinely appreciate their efforts and sincerity to still be present for tonight. I suddenly felt like a bad friend when I recall my past actions and thoughts towards them.

But tonight, I push those unwanted feelings away. Tonight’s a good night. It’s my birthday and I want to enjoy it with my friends and family.

We ate happily, all lost in the conversation and teasing along with the loud and boisterous laughs, while at the same time appreciating the delicious food for dinner. We catch up on things. Donghyuck boasting to ChenSung about how university menus are much much better compared to the food from our old school. Jisung and Chenle updating us about all the teachers we used to hate and gossip about. I could only laugh in the background while Sicheng and Yuta merely shake their heads, speaking about proper manners and how it is not good to make fun of your teachers no matter how much you hate them, all the while an amused smile is prominent on their faces.

“Oh man, Jaemin and Jeno are clearly missing a good time,” Donghyuck states.

I couldn’t agree more.

When we finished dinner, Chenle and Jisung bid their goodbyes. Apparently, Chenle’s parents have arrived and Jisung has to go back to his house, which is literally just beside Chenle’s. Donghyuck excused himself to the comfort room to “retouch” as he said, while his boyfriend went outside to answer a call from Johnny hyung whose worrying over his car. Leaving only Sicheng, Yuta, and I on the table.

“Hey,” Sicheng called me out. Smiling, he slid a box I didn’t know he held in front of me. It was clearly a gift, with all the red wrapping and golden ribbons. My heart still pounded on my chest though. I didn’t expect he’d give me a gift. Earlier, Donghyuck said the dinner’s on them so I thought _that_ _is_ the gift, free dinner. Clearly, there is more.

“Ge...”

“Open it. It’s a birthday gift from us. Yuta and I plus your parents all combined our money so we could buy that for you.”

“What?...” Then this must be at least expensive if that was the case.

With shaking hands, I untie the ribbon, removing it from the box. Carefully ripping the outline of the wrapper, my mind is full of possible gift ideas these two and my parents could have bought me. I expected many things. Anything. But this.

A brand new digital graphic drawing tablet. The one I always check online, or whenever I go out to the mall. The gadget who hooked me up when I first saw its ad on TV. I’ve been earning money for this ever since then. Knowing fully well that it would take me years and a lot of part-time jobs before I could afford one. But now... it’s finally here.

“Sicheng ge, Yuta hyung...” My eyes teared up as I reach for them, arms open for a hug while I whisper my gratitude in their ears.

Sicheng playfully slaps my arms, although his other hand comfortingly strokes my back. His boyfriend, Yuta, only chuckled while his body obviously stiffens when I attacked them for a hug. Understandable. We are not that super close and I wouldn’t have done this on a daily basis but this is not just a daily basis event. They just fucking bought me the very thing I am dreaming about since two years ago.

“You crybaby. You’re welcome, okay?” Sicheng stares at my face and wiped the tears that roll on my cheek. “I told you, this brat would cry once he opened our gift,” he said to Yuta.

“Give him a break, Sicheng. This little kid just received the best birthday gift ever,” Yuta laughed.

Indeed, I did. I went back to my seat and checked the tablet, turning the power on. And sure enough, it has all the apps and resources I needed for my hobby: art, and designing. I once again looked at them, eyes revealing nothing but happiness. “Thank you, really.”

“It’s no big deal. Plus, it’s not like we bought it solely. Your parents bought them too for you. In fact, it’s their own idea to do so. Make sure to give them a call, okay?”

My parents already called this morning and in the afternoon. They simply greeted me a happy birthday, accompanied by the lines of “I miss you” and “Please take care always”, and “We love you”. But that’s that. I knew they prepare something at home, Chenle and Jisung mentioned mom coming over at their houses to give pasta and rice cakes. Yet this... _this_ never once passed my mind. I didn’t know my parents planned this. I made sure to call them as soon as we get out of here, probably in the car.

When Donghyuck and Mark arrived a few minutes later, they questioned why the hell am I crying. Of course, I showed them the reason why. Donghyuck and Mark were happy I finally own a thing I’ve been dying to buy over the last years. It’s not a secret, okay? Though I had a laptop to which I can do my works as a Graphic Designing Major, this is still on another level. A drawing tablet is what every artist and designer could wish for.

We separate ways when I finally stopped sobbing. I’m sure I will not hear the end of this from Donghyuck the next day. But right now, I don’t care. Once again, I hugged Sicheng and Yuta before they leave, apologizing because they can’t accompany us to the bar we’re heading to next. As they have their own research and studying to do because it’s just the first day of the week. _Fuck Monday._

“Just make sure you get home before 12, okay? Don’t drink too much! You wouldn’t wanna get to class with a hangover, I promise you,” Sicheng warned for the nth time.

“Yeah yeah, we get it hyung. I’ll take care of Injunnie. We’re going now, bye!” Donghyuck answered, pulling me to the car where Mark is already seated at the driver’s seat.

“You three be careful okay?!”

“Happy birthday again!”

“Bye!”

***

A strong stench of alcohol and mixed scent of perfume and sweat is what greeted us when we set foot inside the nightclub. Although the night is still young, a lot of people are already crowding and filling in the place while dancing to the upbeat music at the dance floor area. It kinda surprises me since I’m aware that for an average clubber, the real “fun” as they say won’t start until midnight. Pretty much why nightclubs like this are open the whole evening up till midnight.

We had to wait for at least 10 minutes on the line outside. This place sure is liked by the residents of Seoul. Which is not questionable now that I saw the interior firsthand. This nightclub is pretty huge. There’s a stage for live music, then a really large dance floor area, and a DJ booth. There are also private rooms or booths for their VIP customers. The pretty neon lights of a variety of colors give a lovely sight to the bar counter. We sat on an empty booth good for the four of us while a waiter checks in to ask us of our order.

Though, it’s my birthday. I don’t have any plans of getting drunk. So I opt for a cocktail with the lowest percentage of alcohol. Donghyuck booed at me to which I only ignore as the couple ordered a bottle of vodka. I could only sigh.

I get to enjoy myself for the first one and a half hour. Donghyuck sang me a happy birthday. With the loud music coming from stereos on the dance floor, I don’t think anyone would hear him so that saves me in the face of embarrassment. Mark simply laughed at his boyfriend’s antics. Being the older and obviously much mature one, he gave me a fist bump and greeted a happy birthday with a friendly smile.

“Injun-ah!!!” Donghyuck whined after a couple shots of vodka. I tried not to cringe at the voice.

“What?!”

“It’s your birthday! Why are you so focused on that?!” he drunkenly slurs as he points out at the tablet on my hand.

Oh right. I’m too excited with trying this drawing tablet Sicheng gave me tonight I decided to try one of its apps for painting and sketching. Aside from simply designing logos and dreaming to become a graphic designer, my first “I want to be when I grow up” actually is to be a painter or an artist. With it, my hobby when it comes to painting or sketching is born. Right now is no different as I found myself trying an assortment of pastel colors provided by the painter app to create hues on the screen. Don’t ask me what I’m trying to create here. I don’t know yet. Whatever the outcome it will be.

“Here. Gimme that!” I didn’t get enough time to respond when Hyuck snatches my tablet away along with my stylus pen. Before I could open my mouth, he presses a finger to my lips and shakes his head. “No buts here, kiddo! Give me your phone as well.”

“Wha-”

“Ssshh. Your phone.”

I look at Mark hyung, silently begging for help. To which the latter only chuckled at, the traitor!

“Sorry, Renjun-ah. Might as well give it to Hyuck willingly before he decided to use force.”

“Ugh, fine.” I groaned, rolling my eyes while I retrieve my phone in my pockets and put it to Donghyuck’s awaiting hands. My choice prompts a sweet smile to pull out of Donghyuck's face.

“Very good. It’s your birthday so how about we implement the rule no gadgets allowed? We should be celebrating! Now, if you could please be so kind as to put it at the backseat of Johnny hyung’s car, Markie?” My baffling need to throw up at the exact moment was provoked by Donghyuck’s overly saccharine voice and batting of eyelashes as he meets his red-faced boyfriend. Oh, God. Sometimes I really wonder how could Mark date this best friend of mine. I bitterly swallowed the remaining drink on my cocktail glass, avoiding to look at Mark as he walked out of the place to put my beloved gadgets in his car.

“Come on, let’s go dance! This is a good song!” Donghyuck pulled me from my seat before I could react as 2NE1’s I Am The Best boom from the speakers. Making our way through the sweaty bodies, leaving no space to breathe as random strangers touched and bumped into you, all reeking with the trace of cigarette and alcohol on their breaths, is definitely not enjoyable. But once we reached the dance floor, and I let myself get swayed with the music as CL’s voice blessed our ears, it is not such a good idea. At least the music here isn’t as creepy as the one from last time.

“This is so fun! We should do this again!” Donghyuck shouted against the loud music.

I smiled a little, bobbing my head up and down as I answered, “Yeah!”

“Happy birthday to my dearest best friend! I know we’ve got our differences and our friendship is far from perfect but I just want you to know that I love you so much and I’m sorry for every mistake and for the upcoming ones that I’m about to make accidentally or not!”

“Wow! Thank you for saying that to me in the middle of the dance floor when I can’t almost hear you!” I laughed.

“Oh, shut up! Come here, lemme give you a hug!”

Donghyuck hugged me while we jump through the music.

I think we spent a good thirty minutes on the dance floor before I chose to go back to our table. Donghyuck following me too. Mark stayed behind and we saw him playing games on his phone and finishing the vodka. A complaint instantly left my lips. “I thought no gadgets are allowed?!”

Mark laughed at the pout on my face. While Donghyuck just grinned, making himself comfortable while he half-sit on the chair beside Mark and the latter’s lap. He grabbed the bottle of vodka and said before gulping it all at once, “For starters, Mark decided to stay here at our booth. We left him to dance. What do you expect him to do all alone?”

“This is not fair. You’re obviously playing favoritism.”

“Oh shut up, Renjun.” Donghyuck snorts, wiping the excess liquid flowing down his chin when he finished the drink. His face obviously red when he buries his face on Mark’s neck. Before I knew it, Mark is moaning under his breath and there’s the sight of Donghyuck’s tongue poking Mark’s pale skin. A sight I so didn’t want to see.

Based on a lot of experiences I’ve had from third-wheeling to this couple, they’re gonna eat each other's faces next.

God knows how much I wished my prediction was wrong.

Alas, I’m correct. As always.

I lost it when Donghyuck fully climbed on Mark’s lap, fully making out. Right in front of my salad!

“Okay, that’s it. You guys take care of your own problem wherever. Just not in front of me, please? It’s my birthday and the last thing I want is to see you two make out! It’s a disgusting sight and I still wanna finish this nuts! Or maybe, much better alternative, we can all just go home and you can continue fucking in your apartment.”

Their groans when they pulled out from the kiss is something I wished I could bleach my ears from. “Can’t wait. Come on.” Donghyuck was the one who pulled Mark out of his seat as they both scramble onto God-knows-where. Though I have a hint it’s probably someplace like comfort room. Such a typical and normal scene at places like this.

I made my decision to focus instead on the nuts on my plate. It’s a much better alternative than imagining what the two could be doing at the specific moment.

“Excuse me?” A tall waiter, not the same from earlier, approached me with a glass of pink cocktail in his tray.

“Uh... I didn’t order for anything...”

“Oh, someone ordered it for you. Said it’s on him,” he informed.

“Who?”

“That man, two tables away.” I followed the direction where the waiter’s finger points and I instantly shiver in fear when it directed to a burly man wearing a leather jacket and an obvious tattoo poking on his neck. He’s a representation of all the things I wanted to avoid in a place like this.

“I-I see. T-Thanks.”

The waiter bowed after placing the drink on my table. I swallowed hard. My heart started to pound. It should be okay, right? I mean, it’s pretty normal that someone buys you a drink especially in a place like this, where everyone is out to drink. He probably just noticed I don’t have any more drinks and pitied me because what the hell am I doing in a nightclub without a drink? Yeah, that’s possibly it.

I tried to ignore the silent whisper at the back of my mind that says it’s totally not it.

The burly man motioned for me to drink the drink left untouched on my table. I could only respond with a nervous smile as I nod politely and looked away. Gulping hard, my mind screams to get out of here.

‘ _Where the hell is Mark and Donghyuck?!’_

I waited. And waited. But it’s 11:30 and they’ve been gone since 11. My feet started fidgeting. I opt to call them but then I remembered, they took away my phone. _‘Fuck.’_

My mind screamed to run when, in my peripheral vision, the burly man stood from his seat. And is now making his way in my direction.

‘ _Calm down, Renjun. He might be heading to the counter, or to the comfort room.’_ I tried to think of other places that use the direction where they’d pass by our table. Before my mind screamed to get the fuck out of here.

As fast as lightning, I quickly get up, not waiting anymore for the man a few steps behind to approach me. Though I’m not positive I really heard a faint, “Hey!” before I rush for the exit. Looking back once, my wishful thinking that I only heard wrong and he’s totally not following me was crushed. He _is_ following me. And based on his look he’s pissed. Either because I left that table, or I didn’t drink even a single drop from the cocktail he ordered for me.

I run to the parking lot. I can feel my heart trembling in fear as the words “Hey! Come back!” was more distinct now that we’ve left the bar. Right now, I just want to get in the car and call Mark hyung so we could all go home and rest. So much for my birthday night.

The parking lot was more frightening now that there’s a scary man, probably a pervert, running after me. My eyes scanning the cars that I passed by, hoping to every gods I’d spot Johnny hyung’s green Ford Fiesta. Only to reach the end of the parking, not a single green car on sight.

‘ _What just...’_

My heart sank at the only possibility that came to my mind at that moment. Donghyuck and Mark left me like that.

I couldn’t even get the chance to fully process the thought in my head when the burly man entered the area. His frown and irritation are more prominent under the lights.

"You bitch! Where are you?!”

I duck down to hide behind the car in front of me. The echoing footsteps from this man’s obviously heavy weight echoed, creating a spine-chilling sound similar to those at the horror movies. Except this time, it’s the reality. _My_ reality.

A few minutes later, I heard another pair of footsteps. Seemed like they’re running. Then another voice, not from the burly man’s. But this voice is as deep and terrifying as that.

“Where did he go?” The newcomer demanded.

“I don’t know, Joon. That ungrateful bitch didn’t even touch the drink I bought him. He ran off like a bitch that he is.”

‘ _Oh God, they know each other.’_

“Well, it sure is a loss. He’s totally my type. I already imagined all the things I could do with those lips,” another voice said, making them three.

“The slut ran off here. But so far, not a single car passed by. He’s probably still here somewhere. Hiding behind those cars.”

“Now if this is a game of hide and seek it would only make things interesting. I love it. Almost kinky.”

“Told ya, man. That bitch might look innocent but I bet he’s a kinky slut. Every slut looks innocent at first sight.”

The three laughed. While I figured my way out of this parking area. There’s an exit straight ahead. But if I run now, I’m gonna have to take the risk of being seen by them.

I closed my eyes tight as the footsteps started to get closer. The man who offered me a drink humming as he says, “Come out little kitty. Wherever you are~ I promised, we’ll give you a _goooood_ time!” The laughter shared by the three after is the last warning before I bolted out to the exit.

“You bitch! There you are! Wait till I get my hands on you!”

There are footsteps after me. But I gave it my all, running without pausing. At this point, I’m not sure about the direction anymore. I just turn wherever and ran straight ahead. For now, I opt to ignore the fact that I’m in a part of Seoul where I knew nothing about. With no money (I left my wallet at the car as per Donghyuck’s advice since he said it’s still his treat for my birthday), and no phone to contact someone. I could just pray in my head to any gods listening to let me escape those men.

I turn left for the nth time. This time, over the lampposts and empty bench along with a few convenience stores on my side. I release a sigh of relief when I saw a group of teenagers, a couple, and a few single people walking by the sidewalk. The buildings are becoming more clear too as I moved ahead. Now I’m much sure I’m in the part of the city, opposite from the almost vacant street where I came from.

I allowed myself to rest and catch my breath, leaning against the nearby tree for support. All without forgetting to look behind me for any trace of those men running after me. There is none. All I am met with are people walking and crossing the streets. I sighed, another wave of relief crashed through me when I saw a policeman nearby. At least now I am guaranteed they won’t try to harass me in this public place, with a lot of people as a witness and police enclosing the area. And even if they did, I can always scream for help.

Once I calmed down, a drop of liquid fell from my eyes. _‘Great. The last thing I want is to cry at the last minute before my birthday ends. In a public place.’_ But accepting my situation right now, with how pitiful I am, I couldn’t help it. How will I go home now?

But I guess the itching feeling of betrayal and disappointment is far greater than any fear or hurt in my chest right now. My friends knew I was waiting for them. How could they have left me just like that?

After a few minutes of pondering, I made up my mind. Nothing will happen if I continued crying like a crazy in the middle of the streets. I gotta ask for help. If not from my friends, then from these strangers.

My best shot is the policeman still talking on his walkie-talkie a few centimeters away from me. I am not good when it comes to this and my anxiety is pulling me in too but right now is not the time for that. I gotta help myself because no one would. I cleaned away the tears on my face and pushed my tousled hair, trying to look at least presentable so the policeman wouldn’t think I’m nuts.

I slowly approached him with a smile.

“Yes? What can I do for you?” he asked before putting the walkie-talkie back on the strap attached to his pants.

“Can I... borrow... a-a phone please?”

He tilted his head in confusion. “Why?”

I rub my nape and answers in a small voice, trying not to stutter or to do anything that would make me a suspicious person. “I just need to call my friend.”

“You don’t have a phone? Also, there’s the telephone booth?” He pointed at the telephone booth not far away from us.

“You see I uh, I... I left my phone somewhere. Along with my wallet so basically I have no money left in me for a telephone booth. If you want you can just lend me a coin. But it would be really of great help if I can borrow your phone,” I bit my lip in humiliation.

The police stared at me for a minute before he sighed in defeat. An android phone was placed in my palms a minute after.

“Here, kid. Call your friends so they could pick you up. Of all the things you could have left, why your wallet and your phone? Those are the things you must never ever forget to take with you when you’re outside. Who knows what will happen?”

“T-Thank you.”

“Alright. I’ll give you a couple of minutes there.” Then he went back to his walkie-talkie.

I turn around and pressed Jeno’s number. Out of them all, his number is etched in my memories. Along with Jaemin’s. Don’t ask me why.

When I pressed call, I waited. Jeno would usually pick up after a couple of rings. But then by the tenth ring, it was the operator’s voice that spoke and I have no choice but to drop the call. I tried Jaemin’s number. I’m sure they’re together anyway.

But he isn’t picking up either.

I tried calling again. And again. Only the ring and the sickening voice of the operator greeted me. I tried to stay positive. Maybe they’re asleep. Or they couldn’t hear their phones. Maybe they put them in silent considering they are staying at the library to do their research paper. Any kind of noise isn’t allowed in the library.

Sicheng’s number is the one I dialed next. Sicheng doesn’t change his phone number so it’s easy for me to memorize his since it’s the same he’s been using ever since he got his first phone. Sadly, his phone is off.

I want to cry in frustration. None of them is answering. I would’ve called Donghyuck or Mark even if I don’t want to talk to them right now but I can’t remember their numbers. And it’s not like I have a lot of friends I can ask for help right now. They’re the only ones I know, anyway.

Suddenly, the thought of sleeping in the streets becomes... possible. It’s hard but that could be the only solution for me right now. It’s just gonna be for tonight anyway. Pretty sure they’d notice the next morning when I didn’t attend my class. Maybe Donghyuck will remember my existence then.

I smiled bitterly when I face the policeman. “You done, boy?” he asked.

I nodded. Yeah, I need to accept this terrible reality that I gotta spend the night after my birthday sleeping in the streets. Likely on that vacant bench I passed by 10 minutes ago. I always knew this night is too perfect to be real. Something bad has to happen, of course.

I wished I stayed at the dorms with Yangyang instead.

‘ _Wait, Yangyang!’_

“Uh, sorry Mister. I just need to do one more call. I’m really sorry,” I bowed apologetically before dialing Yangyang’s number as quickly as I can.

His number is full of 8s and a couple of 4 so I find it easy to memorize. I almost jump in delight when I put the simple combinations without forgetting a single digit. Now, all I gotta do is press the call button...

Yangyang’s phone rang. One, twice, thrice.

After the fourth ring, my hope started to flicker. Because of course, it’s 12:00 midnight. What was I thinking, calling my roommate who's presumably sound asleep by now?

I was about to end it when I saw the call was connected to the other line. I stopped myself from releasing a squeal because I’m just so happy right now I might tear up because Yangyang _answered_.

“ _Hello? Who’s this?”_

It took me a few seconds before I answered, my voice trembling. “Yangyang? It’s me, Renjun...”


	12. Chapter 11: Let’s Visit A Museum, Just You And Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a double update, y'all! I'm celebrating something and I'm very happy about it so I decided to post two chapters tonight! Hehe, hope you like it! 
> 
> Thank you so much for taking the time to read this book. I really appreciate it. Anyways, enjoy reading this chapter and the next one~ Have a good day/night, xx
> 
> \- sungchan

_**Renjun’s** _

In the end, it’s a good thing I brought a jacket with me. The streets of Seoul can be awfully cold especially at midnights, I realized that now. When Yangyang answered the phone, almost 20 minutes ago, I am very static. I didn’t forget to thank every single god I knew that my roommate is still awake in this ungodly hour. After telling Yangyang the address of the street I’m in (I asked the kind policeman because I myself have no idea either), he promised to come as soon as possible. Right now, I’m just really happy knowing I wouldn’t have to sleep on this cold bench.

Another five minutes after, a black Toyota Prius stopped on the streets. Revealing a slightly messy-haired Yangyang, clad up in a dark blue coat and the same clothes he had from earlier, only this time he changed his sweatpants into denim pants. The sound of his keys jingling from his hold grew clearer as he nears, all while holding his phone tight.

“Hey,” I spoke, standing from my seat.

His eyes, unfocused, glance at me for a second before it scans the area where we’re at.

“So where’s Donghyuck?”

I sighed. A ripple of emotions surges through me after hearing the name that I don’t even know what I actually feel right now. There’s the fear from earlier events, the anger welling in my stomach, the disappointment, and then the sadness of how this day, _my birthday_ , came to an end.

My tears fell before I knew it. Yangyang pulls me towards his chest, arms wrapping around my shaking body. I allowed myself to crumble when Yangyang started to stroke my back, tracing patterns in a comforting manner. Along with a few hushed whispers of “It’s okay. You’re okay”. And his hug is just so tight that for a moment I felt like nothing can get to me in this world.

“D-Donghyuck a-and M-Mark h-hyung l-left... T-They l-left m-me at t-the n-nightclub.”

Nothing but silence is Yangyang’s response. Though I felt his body tensed for a while, his hold on my waist became too tight, a little unbearable even, for my state. But maybe I’m just imagining things because the next second, he’s as relaxed as one can be.

“Hey.” He pulled away a little, though the gap is too small it’s practically unnoticeable. “No worries, okay? I’m here now. Listen, why don’t we go to that coffee shop first huh? Let’s warm you up and a cup of coffee is a good remedy to calm down,” he kindly smiles.

I agreed and sure enough, we walk hand in hand towards the nearest coffee shop that is probably open 24/7 considering the time of the night. Yangyang’s obviously not planning to let my hand go as he pulled me closer to his side, linking his own arms to mine and at the same time interlacing our fingers together. I didn’t say anything and quite frankly, I’m thankful for the support because my knees are still trembling and I don’t want to walk all on my own with jelly legs. The sweet aroma of coffee wafting through the air greets us when we entered in. The coffee shop is quite huge but the wooden furniture and the classic chandeliers giving off dim lighting made the place as cozy as it can be. A few cacti lining up at the walls and the windows also caught my attention. We chose the nearest vacant table. This area is the complete opposite of the nightclub I was in an hour ago. It’s not crowded here, in fact, it looks like there is no customer. Except that there are two girls already sitting by the table beside the glass windows where you can see the view from outside.

“Renjun, are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?” Yangyang asked, worried about my silence.

I smiled at him. “I’m okay. Still a little distressed but okay now that you’re here.”

Yangyang beamed, sporting a soft and joyful smile as he reached for my hand resting at the table. There’s a coldness in his hand but I didn’t think about it when he gently pressed mine. I am just very relieved that Yangyang found me.

I started to narrate everything to him. From the moment where I ate dinner with them and Sicheng, to the part where we entered the bar. And I’m proud of myself because I didn’t break down when I told him about that terrifying man and his squad from the bar. Though there’s a quiver in my voice and a sudden coldness in my hand underneath Yangyang’s that I cannot deny. Still, I did it. Yangyang listened, as he always does. With a thoughtful expression combined with that soft look in his eyes.

“Oh, Renjun. I’m so proud of you for being so strong. I’m thankful you managed to find the courage to run away and escape those men. I’m also very happy you asked for help and you called me. I simply want you to know that you are very strong for going through all that.”

A bitter smile etched across my lips. A part of my mind does not agree with Yangyang but I did not say anything. My mind still wondering over things that could happen had those men caught up to me. Would I be lying in some cheap hotel room right now? Or maybe in the part of the streets where no one would bother to look at as they do _unspeakable_ , _unforgivable_ things to me? Would I still be sitting on that bench, hugging myself against the cold night breeze if Yangyang didn’t come to my rescue? There are so many possibilities and the thought of how horrible each makes me want to cry again.

“Thank you, Yangyang. For coming. It really means a lot to me. You’re my last hope.”

“Of course. I was awake... doing a project. You should have called me first instead. I would answer immediately.”

“Thanks. I really hope that’s the case, I’d hate myself if I managed to bother your peaceful sleep with my own problems.”

“Shush, don’t say that. Never ever hesitate to call me at any time of the day. I’ll always answer and come for you, Renjun. Whenever and wherever you are.” He stares at me, too long to my liking, while he said that.

I coughed and looked away. “Right. Shall we order? I’m kinda... hungry.” I really am. I’ve only eaten nuts at the nightclub and it’s been almost four hours since I had dinner. All those running made my stomach grumble in hunger.

“Sure.” Yangyang reluctantly removed his hands on top of mine and picked up the menu book placed neatly at the table, opening it to scan the menu in this shop. “What do you want to eat?” he asked.

“I was thinking of pancakes? I don’t know I just suddenly want to eat some. And probably an espresso for the coffee.”

Yangyang placed the menu book at its previous spot as he smiled at me, eyes mirroring delight with a fixed look over my face. “That’s what I was thinking!”

Then there’s a strange intensity in his voice when he spoke his next words. “You know, tonight Donghyuck had his shot, next time you'll be all mine.”

A strained laugh was all I could come up with after Yangyang said that. Though his stare never falters but grew with intensity as seconds dragged by. Maybe I’m still too overwhelmed with tonight’s events but I felt quite uncomfortable like I was being scrutinized, under Yangyang's dark brown eyes.

“I wanna show you the beauty of Seoul, in a proper way. Though you are a resident of Korea far longer than I, I bet you still have a lot of things to learn when it comes to their history and culture. So please say yes and come with me to Seodaemun Prison Museum? It’s based here in Seoul so it’s not that far and I promise, I won’t abandon you.”

I thought about it for a moment. For now, I don’t hold the strength to come to any of my classes and face the possibility of crossing paths with Donghyuck and Mark hyung in the campus. I just want a break, even if it’s only for a day. I’m not sure I can face them yet.

“What about your classes?” I asked, still a little unsure.

“It’s just for a day. They won’t mind, I’m sure.”

A minute passed before I could respond. “Okay. Sounds good.”

Yangyang’s smile doubled in happiness, his face contorting in pure delight and he looks genuinely pleased that I accepted his offer. I smiled when he did a whispered a small “Yes!” to himself. I deeply appreciate his effort to make me comfortable right now.

This is all I could do to repay him for his kindness tonight.

***

We got up early in the morning so we could avoid any interaction with... _anyone_. By anyone, I really meant anyone. Not Sicheng ge, Jaemin, Jeno, and more specifically Donghyuck and Mark hyung. I need a clear mind before I face everyone. God knows what I might say if I happen to talk to them now. And I’d blame myself more than anyone with the words that will sprout out of my mouth out of anger. I am not even sure I have any plans of telling everyone what happened that night. So the chances of seeing them today might ruin all the logic and rationality left in me. I’m quite sure I’ll break down if I so much as saw a glimpse of their faces.

Of course, without a phone, they really have no way of contacting me. I just remembered today that my phone and wallet are on Donghyuck’s hands. I quickly apologized to Yangyang as I told him immediately I don’t have any money to pay for myself, suggesting we move the trip to another day instead. To which he firmly declines, saying I shouldn’t worry about any expenses because he’d be the one paying. I offered to pay him back once I got hold of my wallet again, to which he reluctantly agreed because I _insist_ (I made sure to leave no room for argument. It’s the only thing I can do for all the things my roommate has done for me). So after borrowing Yangyang’s phone to quickly send a text message to Joy noona, saying I couldn’t go at the bookstore today, we prepared to leave.

We used his Toyota Prius to drive around the city, Yangyang controlling the wheel of course. We stopped by a convenient store to eat breakfast. Then drove again to Seodaemun-gu, Seoul.

My wristwatch says it’s 09:00 when we arrived. And the museum won’t open in 30 minutes so we have no other choice but to wait at the entrance along with the other tourists who came to visit. True to its image, the Seodaemun Prison History Museum looks like the kind of place that’s been a witness to a lot of major historical events. Though I am not that familiar with this place, the large front gates painted in white and the rusty colored walls surrounding the whole area is a little intimidating and terrifying, if I were to be honest. Especially the large tower that downright looks like those terrifying dungeons you'll see in a horror movie. It’s easy to imagine a bloodied woman dressed in white standing behind those obviously old windows. It doesn’t help that the fading paint of rusty red is very similar to dried blood.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Yangyang spoke from beside me, making me turn to look at him. Unlike me, Yangyang is staring at the place like it’s one of the most fascinating things in the world. His eyes hold a different kind of delight that I’ve never seen before.

“Even from outside, I can smell the stench of blood from the prisoners that once occupied this prison cell. I feel like, at the back of my mind, they’re still shouting in pain, screaming in agony, as those brutal soldiers tortured them into death.” He released a joyful laugh. “Fascinating. Don’t you think, Renjun?” This time, his eyes land on me.

“Uh, yeah? I guess so.”

Yangyang looked at the place again, and he radiates so much happiness that I just smiled unconsciously too. Because it’s the first time I saw him act like this. Now that I think of it, Yangyang never really talked much about the things he likes. There’s this dreamy gaze on him as he scans the exterior of the place, bringing out a digital camera to capture photos. Smiling at the outcome after.

“This is originally a prison, as I’ve said before. It is built under the Japanese Administration in World War II. Its captives are independent movement activists who tried to stand up against the Japanese Administration in Korea back in 1908. It expanded and changed its name to Seodaemun Prison four years later because too many prisoners filled this place. Those people were tortured and sacrificed in this prison, all for the name of freedom and a new era for Korea. Only seven buildings were preserved until this day. A few of them are prison buildings while the remaining ones are the execution site,” Yangyang explained.

“Wow. You sure know a lot about Korea’s history huh? For a moment there I thought you’re an aspiring historian instead of a doctor,” I said, amused.

“It’s just really fascinating. How such a beautiful place like this was once a place of terror for people. The thick blood that splattered on the tiles and the walls, how these people tried to remove it but you can never ever erase something that is permanently etched. Not even time could eradicate the traces of blood, or the howls of pain the walls of this place heard every night.”

It was at exactly 09:30 that a representative from the museum opened the gates and welcomed us with a warm smile.

The inside of the museum, though not precisely the inside, it’s still at the outer area where you can scan the structures surrounding the field, all important with the proofs that it indeed has lived for a long time now. A few flags of South Korea decorates each building. The walls are made up of bricks with a rotten shade, some of them gradually waning from the passing of time. The guide slowly explaining each structure and how it is very significant, playing a major role in history. From 500 prisoners to 3,000 people, it expanded 30 times due to the increase of Korean activists. All of them incarcerated and executed in this place.

If looking at those walls from outside is already creepy enough, going inside the buildings is much terrifying than I imagined. I am not sure if it’s because of the knowledge about this place that I held that this museum became 10 times somber in my eyes. I tried to focus on the voice of the guide who showed us through the cells: a cold, dark, and small area. I could only imagine how it would be at nighttime. As we explore the depth of the buildings, the further I can see evidence of previous terror that truly happened here. The walls, painted in white, has a few scratches and marks that are probably left there intentionally to preserve the historical value of the place. The doors of each cell, are metallic and tarnished. Secured by four locks outside. No windows for the sunlight to pass through, no toilets and no electricity, each enclosed by walls.

The execution building is no better. I can’t even look at the rooms knowing that years ago, there are people executed in those rooms. Using any kind of torture until they bleed to death and take their last breath. There’s a tree next to execution rooms. The guide said it is a really old tree, popular back in the days. It is where the patriots would weep when they were being led in the execution room.

The guide also introduced us to the well-known prisoners and Korean activists that are killed in this now-museum. Some of their profiles are attached to the walls. The life-like statues displayed at the hallways represents a gory portrayal of the horrors that happened in the building. Disfigurement, flaying, de-nailing, flagellation, and many more. The more we proceed, the harder it is for me to visualize. Though I do not completely hate this place (sometimes it’s good to be aware of the bad side of history), I am very grateful when the tour is over two and a half hours later. I turn to Yangyang, who seemed to be in so much delight, looking at the photos he took with his camera lens. A wide smile stretching his lips before we exited the museum.

I felt like a wave of fresh air finally greeted me when we were outside. That place is scary at its finest. But of course I won’t say my thoughts out loud. Not when Yangyang is acting like he truly enjoyed every second of it. Yangyang finally looked up from his camera to stare at me. Eyes filled with nothing but joy as he reached for my hand. “Thank you, Renjun. For coming. It really means a lot to me.”

“Yeah, no problem,” I return his smile.

“It’s not everyone’s taste, you know?” He chuckled before fully clinging to my arms. We started to walk towards the parking lot. “But I really enjoyed that. It’s... indescribable. That place and the events that happened there. Maybe my most favorite one is the prison cells. It’s crazy. But at the same time I also wonder, what were they thinking? Those prisoners while they were caged in those cold, dark space. Without food, sunlight, fresh air, electricity, do you think they swallow their piss in thirst?” I coughed uncomfortably to which Yangyang didn’t notice because he lightly giggled at his own thought. “And the methods of torture. Wow. Just... wow. The Japanese soldiers must have been a little fucked up in the head too to do that. I mean, how can you skin someone alive without blinking an eye? Now I kinda wanna try it.”

I stopped walking. Slowly, with horrified eyes, I look at Yangyang. Yangyang’s eyes are far away, though it still sparkles. And it still has its traces of delight from earlier. I swear I felt a shiver at the back of my head when he met my gaze, lips curved in a foreign smile. “Does the thought never crossed your mind, Renjun? How does it feel skinning someone alive? To see their flesh, all raw and so alive, right in front of your eyes. To hear their screams, while you removed their skin like a piece of wrapper in a gift? Because I thought about it a lot. I imagined doing it with the people I _despise_ so much.”

I swallowed in silence. What was I supposed to say to that? There’s a pounding in my chest. A lot of possibilities crossed my mind. Why was Yangyang acting like this? Why was he looking at me with that strange but utmost creepy eyes? Why was he saying all that? Is he perhaps possessed by the ghost lurking in one of those buildings? Oh God. This is entirely beyond my imagination and I have not prepared a viable response for this. What do you even say to someone who expressed that they’ve thought of skinning someone alive at least once?

I was pulled back to reality with Yangyang’s joyous laughter and a head in my shoulder. “You should have seen your face! You look very cute with that frightened expression! I was just fooling, Renjun. It's just a joke. I just wanna see your reaction. And I admit, I’m quite satisfied with the result. It’s priceless!”

“Seriously, Yangyang! That’s not even a good thing to joke about!”

Yangyang laughed, though it slowly faltered after a few seconds. “Sorry, Renjun. But really, it’s just a joke. I have no time for tortures.”

“I’d like to finish the person immediately. Tortures are for the coward ones who can’t kill a person directly in their hands. A person, no matter the amount of pain they received, is still a breathing being. It’s better to just take that breath away the first chance you got.”

I wanted to believe Yangyang is still joking. Yeah, he is still joking.

But the way he said all that without any trace of amusement or playfulness in his eyes and tone comes a little off for me.


	13. Chapter 12: Let’s Give Your Roommate A First Impression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Na Jaemin is sure something is off with Liu Yangyang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's the second update for today. Thank you so much for reading. Any feedbacks, please comment down what you think of this story and your thoughts about, well, things. Hehe. Everything will only get so much complicated from here, trust me. 
> 
> Again, give this story a kudos if you think it deserves it. Thank you for your time. xxx
> 
> \- sungchan

_**Renjun’s** _

“So this is what Spring air feels like. It’s so refreshing. And look, all the trees are blooming,” Yangyang made a comment describing the sight we’re passing by. We both decided to walk around the city for a while and at the same time look for a potential place to eat. There are a lot of shops and restaurants in this part of the street but so far nothing caught our attention.

“True. Seoul is such a beautiful place. Wish I could take a photo with all of these,” I sighed. Mind aimlessly drifting to the thought of my phone presumably still in Donghyuck’s hands. I wonder if they’re trying to look for me right now. And oh God, my parents, and Sicheng. Now I kinda regret not sending at least a single text message for Sicheng, just to guarantee I am okay. Hopefully, they won’t call for a search party now. That’s the worst that could happen, and totally not impossible knowing my parents and my friends with the addition of Sicheng.

“Come here.” Yangyang pulled me in front of a tree and withdrew a few steps away, hands clutching for his camera before he directed the lens to my direction. “Smile!”

I chuckled a little before I strike a pose, smiling toward Yangyang’s camera. Yangyang was beaming so bright when he looks at the result. My hand reached out to drag him to my side, earning a yelp from my roommate. Since he is taller than me, I end up encircling my arms around his waist instead so I could pull him even closer, leaving no space between us. There’s a stare I’m very much aware of that is coming from Yangyang. I removed Yangyang’s digital camera from the strap hanging on the latter’s neck and lifts it, making sure the lens was focused on the two of us.

“Hey, look at the camera. Then one, two, three... smile!” I smiled before pressing the shutter button.

I removed my hand from Yangyang’s waist and gave the camera back. “There ya go. Now, we have a picture together.”

“It’s beautiful,” was what my roommate uttered as soon as he checked his camera for the photograph. I smiled fondly at Yangyang. He looks like a joyful kid presented by his favorite dessert.

A boy, most probably around our age, comes out from a salon not too far from where we were standing. What caught my attention really, is the mixture of the color blue, purple, and pink coating his locks. It’s a pretty combination, definitely an attention-seeker. It suits the boy’s skin tone.

“That’s the second most ridiculous hair color I’ve ever seen. The most absurd being the rainbow one, of course. At least that is a mixture of 3 shades only. The rainbow one is the worst. I can’t really understand people who dye their hair in such _extreme_ colors. I mean, I’m not totally against dyeing. I guess it’s fine up to blonde hairs. But... _pink_? Green? Red? Orange? _Rainbow?_ Yikes. I don’t think I’ll ever be bored enough with life to dye my hair with crazy colors,” Yangyang suddenly spoke beside me, just when I thought he’s still busy with his camera. I didn’t know he noticed the boy coming fresh out of the salon too.

I faced him, trying my best not to look as affected as I actually felt deep inside. “I used to dye my hair back then. I once had red hair.”

“Oh.” Yangyang bit his lip at the realization that he might have offended me unintentionally. “I... I didn’t know.”

“Give me your phone.” He did and I quickly opened the twitter app, searching for my profile. Once it appeared, I clicked it and opened my photo uploads gallery. Scrolling down until the very bottom which is stacked by my old high school photos. Once I saw the selfie I was looking for, I showed it to Yangyang with a tiny smile. It’s a selfie from when I’m a sophomore, I just colored my hair red and I’m so excited to show it to everyone I immediately take a selfie as soon as I got home from the salon and posted it on Twitter. It got mixed reactions from my friends. And though I will never try the red hair again, I’m happy I had it once. I always wanna try to sport a red hair anyway.

“You look amazing, Renjun.”

I chuckled, patting Yangyang’s tensed back, “Hey, don't be so tense. I’m not mad. Just a little offended at first but nah. I figured we all have different opinions on things, and it’s okay.”

“I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to,” Yangyang apologized again, his eyes solemn.

“Stop apologizing, it’s okay. I just think dyeing your hair color can be really cool. I find people with dyed hair really attractive.” Suddenly, an image of Jaemin with his current soft pink hair pops into my mind. “Especially those who had icy blue hair,” I said, just because blue is the opposite of pink and I don’t really want to admit I adore Jaemin’s pink hair. Not in front of Yangyang (even though the poor lad doesn’t really have any idea about it).

“Is that so?” Yangyang was quiet for a while as if his mind was drifting into another universe, his eyebrows close amply to make a straight line due to his forehead creasing while the corner of his lips twitched from time to time. Soon, like a switch, his serious face quickly changed under a playful guise before he latched himself into me for the third time that day.

“Come on, Renjun. Let’s eat lunch.”

***

_**Jaemin’s** _

We were waiting in the lobby of Renjun’s dorm. By we, I mean me, Jeno and the guilt-ridden Donghyuck and Mark hyung. The truth is, we had no idea what happened until Donghyuck informed us in at lunch when Renjun didn’t show up at our usual table. The fool must have seen it coming, it’s understandable Renjun would want to avoid him after what he did last night. Anyone would be fucking mad if they are ditched at their own birthday celebration without any way of going home, as Donghyuck mentioned he had Renjun’s phone and wallet at the back of Johnny hyung’s car. And I might or might not had the urge to throw the filling of my cola straight to Donghyuck’s face. Jeno is the worst. He actually created a scene at the cafeteria when he shouted angrily at his own cousin, saying how irresponsible he is and Mark hyung for doing that, forgetting Renjun’s existence just because they couldn’t keep it in their pants. Mark hyung, of course, will not just stay still to watch his own boyfriend being at the receiving end of a bunch of insults and curses emanating from Jeno, so he too snapped. With the intensity of the moment from earlier, I’m actually surprised Jeno and Mark didn’t brawl each other.

Now that everyone’s calmed down, thank goodness, we decided to all go at Renjun’s dorm to check on him after we went to his classes with the hope of seeing him (and also so Donghyuck and Mark hyung could apologize), only to hear that he didn’t attend any them. We thought about looking at the bookstore where Renjun works, only to be disappointed because we realized we _never_ actually asked Renjun about his workplace and we don’t know where it is or its name. So our last hope was the dorms. Though when we arrived to check on his dorm room, it was locked. The guard at the entrance said Renjun actually went out that morning, with a light brown-haired boy, one that Donghyuck affirms without any hesitation as Yangyang, Renjun’s roommate. So that piece of information somehow ceased us for a while into telling Sicheng about what happened, for Donghyuck and Mark hyung’s sake as well. We all know Sicheng is quite the protective one especially when it comes to his favorite cousin. Donghyuck and Mark hyung will never hear the end of it, no matter how much they deserve it, our priority right now is Renjun. Still, that doesn’t mean Jeno has forgotten, he might be a lot chiller now than this afternoon but the cold shoulder he gave to Donghyuck and Mark hyung is clearly understood.

And that’s how we end up in this uncomfortable silence, glancing at the huge wall clock from time to time, heads snapping at the entrance whenever we heard footsteps entering the building. It’s almost six and Renjun hasn’t come yet. I am starting to worry. I can sense Jeno is too.

We only succeeded to release the breath we didn’t know we were holding when we heard a peal of very familiar laughter. Turning our heads at once, there he is. The boy we’ve been worried about and looking for the whole day. With his dazzling smile that never fails to brighten anyone’s day, especially mine. As always, he looks so radiant and soft, and extra small (which is not a bad thing I swear).

“Renjun?” I didn’t know we were already standing in front of Renjun until Jeno spoke beside me. Renjun is undeniably surprised to see us.

“Jeno? Jaemin? What are you doing here?”

It was then that I figured he didn’t notice Donghyuck and Mark awkwardly standing behind us, hidden by our height and frame.

“Where were you? We are so worried about you. You’re not in your classes, and we have no fucking idea what is the name of that bookstore you work at!” Jeno exclaimed, completely ignoring Renjun’s question.

“Oh, I was just... hanging out with Yangyang.” Jeno’s gaze and I landed on the boy standing motionless alongside him. It’s the same boy from the time when we also accompanied Donghyuck to apologize to Renjun. Before though, I didn’t get enough look at him. Now, I finally got a good impression of him.

He’s taller than Renjun but not taller than Jeno or I. The sight of his arms glued to Renjun bothers me, so maybe my eyes stayed longer than I intend to. But just as my eyes were trained on that obvious act of affection, I as well felt something at my peripheral view.

Yangyang is staring too.

“You should have dropped a message for us, at least. Did you know that we are this close to calling Sicheng hyung because your classmates said you didn’t come to any of your lessons today?” Jeno spoke again.

“Sorry. My phone’s left with... Hyuck so...” His voice gets quieter when he mentioned Hyuck. Deciding it’s time for me to speak, I started, “We know. Donghyuck told us.” Sighing, I slowly move out of the way so Renjun could see Donghyuck nervously biting his lip behind me, Mark hyung holding his hand for support. “Donghyuck is here to say something.”

“What... why are you here?!” There’s an undeniable accusation laced on Renjun’s tone. But there’s also an obvious tremble behind it that reminds me of a scared little child. It had me urging to just hug Renjun and whisper sweet nothings to his ear until he smiled again with that bright smile of his.

“Renjun I am so sorry. Please talk to me-”

“Don’t! There’s nothing you can say.” Now, Renjun’s voice now is actually shaking, almost on the verge of breaking. His face contorted with an expression that I can only be described as that of a betrayed one.

“Renjun I know we were at fault, but please if you can just hear us out-” Mark tried to talk but Renjun is adamant. Shaking his head, eyes filled with so much intensity, Renjun backs down a little, “Not now. There’s nothing you two can say for now, hyung. I don’t want to hear any of it.”

“Look we came back okay-”

“I waited, Hyuck! I waited on that fucking nightclub because I was so sure you two will come back! And you know, for the first time I really thought I would actually enjoy the night! And it seems like I did, at first! Until you two abandoned me and left me in that place I didn’t even want to get into! But did you listen to me?! You didn’t! You’re always being pushy! Just like now, you’re doing it again! Forcing me to talk to you and your boyfriend just because you know that I’ll change my mind within seconds, just because I’m such a fucking loser who always says “It’s okay”. But it’s not. _This is not okay._ At least not yet. So don’t... don’t talk to me right now. Okay?”

Renjun turned away, running for the elevator before any of us could react to his outburst. We didn’t expect it, really. And we didn’t know. I, for one, do not know what is the saddest part. The fact that we didn’t notice what Renjun truly felt, or that we never tried to actually listen to his opinion and ask him if he’s truly okay with things. Those words aren’t just meant for Donghyuck. Jeno and I were just as guilty too.

It hurts. Renjun is the person I do not want to hurt ever, along with Jeno. And I know Jeno feels the same. But unfortunately, we did. Unintentional or not.

I heard Donghyuck’s muffled sobs in the background, I don’t have to look to guess Mark hyung’s comforting him in his arms right now. I felt Jeno’s warm hand squeezing mine gently, and I smile at the effort. I squeezed back, knowing Jeno needed it too as much as I do.

A cough is what broke us from our reverie. Right, _Yangyang_. I forgot he’s still here. He stood still, facing me with his palm outstretched.

“What do you want?” Mark hyung asked in a tone that comes out harsher than his usual calm and collected voice.

Yangyang didn’t seem like he minds it one bit since his unblinking eyes never once left mine. “Phone.”

“Huh?” I asked, wearing a puzzled expression.

Yangyang's minimalistic gesture aiming towards the phone on my hand made me understand his message. _Right, I had Renjun’s phone and wallet with me._ I got it from Hyuck this afternoon when I volunteered to give Renjun’s belonging to him on my own.

“May I have it?” There’s a trace of undeniable coldness when the boy spoke.

“We’ll give it to him when we meet tomorrow,” Jeno responded for me, anger hidden in his own voice.

The side of Yangyang's lips curls up a little, or at least I think so because it has vanished after a second. “He needs it now though?” The boy tilted his head as the question slips off his tongue, like a clueless kid talking to his parent.

“As I said, we’ll give it to him _tomorrow_.”

“Just give the damn phone to the boy, Jeno. You know well enough Renjun won’t be talking to us tomorrow.’

“Oh shut up, Mark! You two are the ones who fucked up so why should Jaemin and I suffer the same consequences huh?! Tell me! This is both of your faults in the first place!”

“What did you say, _kid_?! I’m still older than you, dipshit! Don’t act so innocent either, it’s your and Jaemin’s idea to go to that nightclub! Then you ditched at the last minute! Come to think of it, you two are the one who ditched first actually! At least Donghyuck and I stayed to celebrate Renjun’s birthday the whole night you two weren’t there!”

“STOP IT! I’m so sick of this shit! Renjun and I are already fighting! We don’t need another more!” It was Donghyuck who shouted in frustration. It’s a good thing this is not the cafeteria and not many students are gathering at the lobby either. I am getting frustrated too and truthfully, if it weren’t for Donghyuck who expressed his frustrations first, it would have been me who’d explode.

“Can we like go for now?! I’m tired. I just wanna curl up in bed and I don’t know, maybe cry?! Anything except standing here as a witness of another fight in this group!” Donghyuck marched away, followed by Mark hyung who threw one last glare at Jeno who didn’t waver either. I quickly reached for Jeno’s obviously cold and shaking hands due to anger he’s trying so hard to handle. To hold his hand is all I can do at the moment.

“Can I get Renjun’s phone and wallet now?”

I heard Jeno sighed in another fit of anger about to burst with the obvious off timing that clearly Renjun’s dense roommate couldn’t feel. Flashing a small smile to Jeno as another way of saying that it’s okay and I got this, I let go of his hand after a few gentle squeezes. I turn to look back at Yangyang whose eyes met mine directly.

“Here.” I gave him Renjun’s phone before bringing out the wallet from my backpack, returning the thing to Yangyang as well. The light brown-haired boy watches them for a minute before putting it in his pocket, eyes returning to me.

“What now?!” Jeno couldn’t restrain any further when he too, noticed that Yangyang isn’t moving. The boy remains still in his spot, scanning us from head to toe with his vacant eyes. I’m a starer myself but his stares come out too uncomfortable. Somehow he made me feel like an ant under those scrutinizing gaze.

He bends a little, face now closer to me. It made my heart thump in my chest while I look at him wide eyes, unsure of what to do. It horrifies me more when he started to.... snuffle around me?

‘ _What the hell?’_

“ _You smell like my grandmother... after I dug her up.”_

“Huh?” was my reply. I have no idea what he just said, it’s in a whole different language. And I don’t think it’s Chinese either. The accent and the words are far from what Renjun and Chenle would usually use while talking sometimes. I am sure it’s not English either.

“Hey! What’s your deal?!” I’m very thankful when Jeno came in between us and pulled me in his side, arms wrapping protectively against my waist to which I immediately succumb into, as the fear that’s crept up in my chest slowly melted away.

Yangyang smiled, an empty one. Studying us two for the last time before turning on his heels, leaving us completely perplexed. When he rode the elevator, facing our direction, I had to stop myself from looking.

He doesn’t feel right, that Yangyang. I am no psychologist, and I am definitely not good at reading people’s emotions and mind (one person that can attest to that is Renjun). But something is off about Liu Yangyang. His eyes are strange, not in a good way, but because of how bleak they appear to be.

“Geez, what is wrong with him? He’s weird,” Jeno said under his breath.

“Don’t mind him, let’s just go.”

As Jeno and I walked out of that building, I tried my best to push the thought at the far corner of my mind. Along with the fear I never want to admit whenever I remember those eyes examining me like a prey.


	14. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a continuation of the last chapter. Enjoy reading! 
> 
> \- sungchan

_**Renjun’s** _

“Did they left?” I asked as soon as Yangyang came in.

“Yeah, they’re gone. Don’t worry, Renjun. It’s just you and me. We’re all alone now,” Yangyang smiled.

I slump down my bed, my knees finally giving out. I don’t know how my words came out for the rest of them or if I succeeded in making them realize that I am really angry and disappointed right now. A part of me was scared I might have come off as embarrassing rather than threatening. But at least my voice didn’t crack, that would have been the worst. All my insides are shaking and I’m so close to bursting into tears and just break down it’s a miracle my voice did not crack in the middle.

At least I managed to avoid them for now.

I felt my bed dip and I hadn’t noticed Yangyang crossed the distance between us. Only the scent of his strawberry shampoo remains when he rests his head on my shoulder, face buried on my neck, his soft breath prickling my neck, arms slinging behind me. “You did great, Renjun. I’m so proud of you.”

“Did I really? After saying those embarrassing things, I’m not sure I’ll be able to face them tomorrow. Or anymore, to be honest,” I tried to let out a laugh that only sounded just as bitter as my own thoughts.

Yangyang reached for my hand resting on my thighs, caressing the back of it gently with his thumb. “Nothing’s embarrassing when it comes to admitting what you truly feel. If you feel wronged, it’s okay to tell people. You did great at telling them to back off. They deserve it. It doesn’t always have to be them, you know?” Yangyang lifts his head a little, then his fingertips craning my neck and when I did, it’s too late to back out because my face was so close with Yangyang’s. So close that the gap between us is practically nonexistent. If one of us dared to move, our lips would touch for sure.

I am not sure what to do. I remained frozen in my place. Yangyang’s eyes darting on my lips then into my eyes. I prayed to every single god he wouldn’t try to close that very little distance that separates our mouths from each other. Kissing my college roommate is definitely not on my bucket list.

Then there’s a ringing. And I released a very loud sigh of relief I hoped Yangyang didn’t catch on when we both pulled away from each other, scrambling to ease the tension seconds ago. It isn’t until when the phone continued ringing did I realize the familiar tone and I faced Yangyang, again.

“Was that my phone?” I asked.

“Oh... y-yeah. Right. Here. I forgot to mention. I got your phone and wallet back from... Jaemin.” There’s a different kind of tone in his voice when he uttered Jaemin’s name but I didn’t get to deliberate about it because of the continuous ringing.

It was my mother calling. I excused myself for a minute before I accept the call. As usual, it was just like our previous conversation. My parents asking how’s my day, what I ate for lunch, if I am done eating dinner, if I am adjusting well with the new environment and my school. Of course, I didn’t forget to mention their gift to me. Which is still at Donghyuck’s, by the way. _Damn it._ The call ended after a few thank yous and reassurances here and there.

“You didn’t tell them about what happened with Donghyuck and Mark,” Yangyang commented after I drop my phone back to bed. He’s already changed into a black hoodie and comfortable pants.

“Yeah, well, they might drive to the nearest train station and jump on the last train scheduled to arrive in Seoul. And we don’t want that happening.”

Yangyang giggled. Suddenly, all the tension from earlier is forgotten. “Your parents are really adorable.”

“Trust me, they’re not. You wouldn’t wanna be caught in the middle of a drama because of their overly-protective attitude towards me.”

“I don’t know, Renjun. They really seemed cute to me.” He shrugged, chuckling a little. “By the way, I ordered pizza for dinner. Would that be okay for you?”

“Sure. Pizza sounds good.”

“Hey, Renjun?”

“Yeah?” I was done removing my socks and has changed into my comfortable slippers when Yangyang I noticed Yangyang awkwardly shifting on his standing position beside me. I looked up to see him nibbling his lips, both hands behind his back.

“What is it, Yangyang?” I tried again.

“Happy birthday.”

Yangyang presented EXO’s latest album from last year. Though secured tightly in a thick bubble wrap, I can see through the album cover and is immediately familiarized with the black album design and the fonts. Deliberately, I accepted the album Yangyang is giving me with a shy smile and a rub at the back of my neck, unsure of what to say.

“I... I didn’t have enough time to think of a better gift other than that. The thought that you might have owned one already came across my mind. But that’s a limited edition signed album by all the members. So I think it’s the perfect gift unless.... you already had one with the signature of the members too,” Yangyang sounded so hesitant, his confident crumbling down with the thought and I nearly laugh because he’s adorable and I totally appreciate the thought and effort he pour through just to come up with this gift but at the same time, I still don’t know what to say.

“Yangyang you... why? I... You didn’t have to,” was what I came up with at the end.

Which earned an eye roll from Yangyang. “There you are again, always saying that I didn’t have to. Sure, I _didn’t have to_. But I _want to_. If only you told me your birthday a lot earlier, I could have come up with a better one. I still think this is... obviously rushed and so unthoughtful of me to give.”

“Are you serious?! This is one of the best birthday gifts ever! I don’t have this album yet, in fact, I don’t own any EXO albums. And to think that you gave me one, not just an ordinary album but a _signed_ one too? Are you kidding me, Yangyang? No one’s ever given me such gift before. No one.”

“Then I’m glad I am the first one to do so.” He murmured another sentence after but I didn’t get to hear it.

“I can’t accept this, Yangyang.”

“What?! _Why?!”_

“Because...” I sighed. I really think this is too much. It would be too much of me to accept this. “Because you’ve already done a lot of things for me. Like that poster,” I pointed at the Phantom of the Opera poster on the wall. “As I’ve said before that poster’s more than enough to give to me as a gift. Actually, I thought of that as your birthday present for me. And today, you paid for lunch. And our mini venture at that museum. It’s all you. You don’t have to do more. I don’t want you to do more.”

“ _But why?! Why can’t I?”_

The unexpected shrill on his voice when he said that caused me to flinch a little. With wide eyes, I watched Yangyang. His eyes are searing, but what confounds me most is the way his chest rises in heavy breaths and his balled fists shivering unusually.

“H-Hey, d-don’t get it wrong. I-I like it, I-I do...”

“Then why can’t you just accept it?! Did you hate it, hyung? I’m sorry I don’t know what to do. I thought this through the whole weekend, I searched through that damn laptop! And my thoughts, _my thoughts just won’t stop bugging me until I came up with_ _a close enough to perfect gift for you_!” The sight of Yangyang suddenly crying got me into a sheer of panic.

“O-Okay. S-Stop crying now, huh? I’m sorry, I was wrong. I should have said thank you instead of... rejecting it. I’m sorry, please don’t cry Yangyang.” I stand from my position and without thinking, pulled the crying boy in my arms, hoping to calm him down with a few pats in the back and hush whispers, “Sssh, I’m sorry.”

“You don’t u-understand, h-hyung. I just... I just want to...”

“Breathe. Slowly. It’s okay. Just breathe.”

“I just... want... you... to be happy. I’m sorry if you didn’t like it.”

“I love it.”

“You do?”

“Yes.”

“You won’t throw it away?”

“I won’t.”

“Did I make you happy?”

I pulled away to directly look at Yangyang’s face. I wipe away his tears using my thumb and flash a small smile. His heavy breathing is now slowly going back to normal.

“You do.”

My answer generated a please expression from Yangyang, the corners of his thin lips turned up exposing his white front teeth into a childlike smile.

“I’m glad.” Yangyang went back to burying his face into my chest, I can feel the wet patch from his previous tears staining my shirt. But it doesn’t matter now. What matters the most is I managed to calm him down. His actions still worry me, I wonder why he acted that way, which is kind of far from normal. But I guess anyone would be pretty hurt if someone rejected the gift they so thoughtfully came up with while thinking of the person they wanted to give it to. I would be hurt too and disappointed with myself if a person rejects my gift. Maybe it’s the same for him.

Still, I said, “I’d accept your gift in two conditions.”

“Hmm? What’s it?” Yangyang looked up again, his bloodshot eyes meeting mine.

“I will be paying for tonight’s dinner. And...” I paused, brushing the wet tip of Yangyang’s bangs on his forehead. “You’ll let me treat you for dinner at a seafood restaurant tomorrow. I saw a restaurant near the bookstore that serves fresh seafood. And I wanna try it with you.”

Yangyang beamed in satisfaction. It didn’t take him another second to nod his head in agreement like an overjoyed child.


	15. Chapter 14: Let’s Go Out, The Three Of Us Just Like Old Times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a new update. Hope you like it. BTW, stream Punch MV by NCT127!!!
> 
> \- sungchan

_**Renjun’s** _

“You done locking the register?” Joy noona asked when she came out from the last aisle.

“Yep. It’s all good,” I answered, popping the p. Hands reaching out at the handle just to make sure that it is tightly locked.

“Great. Pull out the closed sign please.” I followed Joy’s orders, trudging towards the glass doors with the closed sign on my left hand. Switching the two signs, I went back behind the counters to put the Open sign at one of the drawers.

It’s six o’clock. After this I’m gonna go back to the dorms to have a quick shower, probably change because my clothes already feel damp with my sweat from the whole day of going through different classes. A lot of customers came in as well that I had to lend a hand and multitask because Joy noona can’t assist them all and she’s already done enough covering for me yesterday so this is the least I could do to help. Plus, tonight’s the night I promised Yangyang of taking him out for a dinner on a seafood restaurant just across this bookstore. I love seafood and I want to repay Yangyang with his kindness so I’m really resolved on treating him meals at least once, that’s why I’m gonna pick him up and we’ll be eating dinner together. Yangyang already confirmed he’s free tonight.

But nothing prepared me to the sight of two gorgeous boys, who also happened to be the cause of the incessant beating of my heart, sliding inside the glass doors and giving me their stupidly dreamy smile. It’s like every time I see them, I was programmed to react like a teenage girl seeing their crush for the first time that day. Which, well, is kinda true because they _are_ my crush and I’m seeing them for the first time today (I avoid any possible contact with them at the university the whole day). But I am no girl and definitely not a teenager anymore. I’m a grown-up man. And I’ve been crushing on these two for like _years_ now so why the hell does my cheek still burns, and my mouth still itches to form a smile, every time I see them?! I should be used to this by now so I can’t understand why the longer these feelings remain, the greater intensity I felt.

“Injunnie, finally we found this bookstore,” Jaemin skip towards where I am standing frozen behind the counters, probably looking stupid in the eyes of this gorgeous boy.

“Yeah, we had a hard time doing so. There are a lot of bookstores around and you’re not opening our messages either,” Jeno followed with a small adorable pout on his face.

“What are you guys doing here?” is the only words that came out of my mouth.

“We’re here for you, of course! We didn’t get a chance to celebrate your birthday with you so... Jeno and I were thinking that we go out tonight. The three of us!” Jaemin clapped his hands as he pulled out his brightest smile.

“Oh. Ah, is that so?” I scratch the back of my head before answering, “I can’t...”

“What? But why?” I hated the way Jeno’s eyes somber a little when he said that.

“I’m... sorry. I actually had plans with Yangyang tonight. So maybe some other time?”

“But Injunnie, we already bought a ticket to this movie you’re gushing about since last year. It’s showing today and I know you really want to see it. Plus, we really wanna spend more... time with you?” Jaemin said.

“It’s been really long, you know? Since we three last hang out together. I mean, our group hangouts are really fun too but with the three of us it’s different. I miss those times when we sneak out of our houses just so we could go to this newly opened carnival that won’t start until nine in the evening. I missed sitting together with just you and Jaemin under a tree even if silence is our number one company. I don’t want things to change just because we’re in a bigger city now and we’re a little older. It’s not only me but Jaemin felt it too sometimes. We’re scared. Because it appears as if if we don’t close this growing distance between us we’re truly gonna lose you.”

When Jeno said those words, there’s an ache in my heart that threatens to be released in the form of tears. I am so busy running away from my own feelings, overwhelmed by my own fear, that I didn’t realize that maybe I am not the one being left behind. I am the one leaving people behind because I’m so scared to be left alone. The irony really.

“Give the boys a chance, Renjun. It’s not every day you find people who genuinely want to spend time with you. Everybody’s busy with their own lives and problems, if a friend willingly reaches out his hand to you, boy, you are lucky. I don’t know them but they seem pretty genuine. Looks like they just really want to spend time with you.” Joy noona, whose existence I completely forgot about, swiftly said earning a look from us three. She is clutching her bag on her shoulder, leaning against the wooden shelf a few steps away. And she certainly heard everything, the thought on which caused me to suddenly feel embarrassed.

“Hey, don’t look at me like that. Your fault I was trying to call out your attention before you all go heart-to-heart,” the girl said in defense.

None of us spoke still so Joy sighed and pulled out her phone from her bag. “Anyways, I’m gonna go now because I have a boyfriend waiting. As well as you Renjun-”

That earned me another blush on my cheeks as I weakly answered, “ _They’re not my boyfriends_ , noona.”

Rolling her eyes, the girl just smirked, “Fine fine, whatever you say. Bye. I’ll leave the store to you, make you locked it before you go on your date. Have a good night!” And then she was completely gone before I could even correct her that no, it’s _not_ a date.

“I mean, it is a date.”

“Jaemin!” I yelped.

“A friendly date. Happy?” the pink-haired boy made a face and rolled his eyes.

“Great. Okay so...” What now? I’m not sure what to say next. The tension from earlier is coming back to me. But I realized I needed to do this. No more running away. They’re my friends first before I fell in love with them. We’re all friends before Jaemin and Jeno fell in love with each other. And I’ll stay as their friend even if that means my heart will be hurting in the end.

“You didn’t really have to mention how we used to sneak out just to go to a carnival before, you know?” I tried to use the sassy tone I often had before. My heart swell in happiness when it made Jeno drew a small smile.

“Yes, I have to. You’re choosing your roommate in front of us. Gotta remind you who had your back on 2nd grade whenever you sneak out of your window at nights,” Jeno answered.

“Fine fine. I’m coming. And you two will be paying for everything,” I threatened. The two, however, don’t seem the least bit threatened as they instantly nod their heads like an overjoyed puppy, both sharing an identical broad smile. I rolled my eyes, but at the same time when I picked up my things, my jaw hurts too. My face held a smile just as wide as them for a while now. However this time, I let it be.

“By the way, I’m gonna have to go back for a little while at the dorms. Gotta shower and change into proper clothes. I smell like sweat,” I announced after locking the shop.

10 seconds hasn’t passed yet when I had a clingy Jaemin leaning down his face on my neck, his airy breath fanning against my skin as he smells me. _What the fuck._

“You smell okay to me, nice even,” Jaemin nonchalantly said after. I stare at him wide eyes. Right, this is Jaemin we’re talking about. I almost forgot this boy has no sense of shame in his body.

“’Sides, it’s okay Injunnie. You’ll always smell good to us, sweaty or not,” Jeno had said before slinging his arms around me and pulling me while we start to walk, our bodies closely pressed side by side. The idiot even had the audacity to wink not knowing the wave of somersault the act produces to my stomach!

“Okay, let’s say I believe those words you two idiot says. But I still gotta go back to the dorms. I have to tell Yangyang that I’m moving our dinner for another night,” I tried to reason out.

“Just text him. We gotta hurry because the movie will be starting in an hour. And we still gotta treat you for dinner,” Jeno shrugged.

“Jeno’s right, Injunnie. Just send a quick message later. I’m sure he’ll understand.”

After a minute or two of thinking about it, I ended up listening to these two idiots whom, unfortunately, I’m hopelessly in love with. I texted Yangyang an apology while I wait for Jeno and Jaemin who volunteered to order our food. I’m currently at the restaurant they take me in. It is not the seafood one I planned on taking Yangyang to, or a seafood restaurant in general but the place seems nice and the food seems delicious. When I hit the send button, I unconsciously nibble on my bottom lip. Hoping for Yangyang to respond immediately.

He didn’t.

There’s a guilt feeling blooming on my chest. I hate it when I had to cancel plans to do other things just as how I hate it too when people canceled plans with me only to spend time with other people.

I can’t help but feel like I’m such a jerk for doing this to Yangyang. But at the same time, I hope my roommate understands.

I really hope he did.

***

So Jeno, Jaemin, and I catch up over things at dinner. With the two complaining about the very Professor who made them do a research paper on the same night as my birthday. “She’s the worst, Injunnie. She’s Satan in flesh, I’m telling you!” Jaemin groans while Jeno laughs causing his eyes to form small crescents, head enthusiastically nodding in agreement at the same time. We talk about our classes, rating our Professors from Dethroning Satan level of evil to the Saint We All Need level when it comes to kindness and thoughtfulness. The chance gave me an opportunity to boast about my “good-hearted Professors”. On top of them is Mr. Choi Siwon, which, I didn’t hesitate to put on the Saint We All Need category.

“He is perfect. He is funny, very entertaining. Not a second in his class will you feel bored or sleepy. And I’m not just saying that because I like him. Though I _really_ like him too but it’s because he’s the kind of role model I adore and look up to. He’s also very young, he knows a lot about design.”

The two’s only response is a snort, saying I am overreacting, murmuring something between the lines of “Maybe you just had a crush on him”. An accusation I quickly denied with a red face. Mr. Choi is attractive, yes, but I’m not really the type to hit on teachers. That idea itself is unattractive for me.

Jeno gave me my drawing tablet before we finished dinner. Saying it has been with him since yesterday and he couldn’t give me because I ran away. Happy that I finally got my tablet back, my feet started to move before I could even stop myself. I pulled Jeno in for a hug and murmured a silent “Thank you” in his ears. Truthfully, I don’t think I could get my hands on this tablet for a few days yet. I wouldn’t have the guts to corner Donghyuck and get it back. Unless Donghyuck returned it to me first, an idea that is not too enthralling either as I don’t think I want to face him yet.

Thankfully, Jeno only chuckled and squeezed my arms hanging loosely around his neck. Jaemin stared in silence with a small smile on his face. They didn’t say anything after, didn’t asked any more questions, and didn’t mention Donghyuck at all. For which I am very glad for.

We watched a movie next. And as always, we chose to buy an extra-large bucket of popcorn so we three can share, a tradition of us three ever since.

“Should I put the cheese powder now or...?” the lady behind the counter asked.

“Oh no. No cheese please. We prefer it plain,” Jeno answered while he pulled out a few bills from his wallet.

Actually, _I_ prefer it plain. Jeno and Jaemin both like cheese. But since I didn’t, they stopped ordering cheese flavored popcorn whenever we go out for movies or every time we had our movie night in Chenle’s house, or simply just anytime where we share foods. It’s something I always felt guilty about because I don’t find it necessary for them to adjust their tastes just because of me. Once, I suggested we stop sharing popcorn and buy separate ones instead) or I’ll buy a separate one and they can just share a cheese flavored popcorn). It’s safe to say I’m never going to do it again as it almost ignited a nonsense argument between us three.

“Jaem, shouldn’t we help Jeno carry those things?” I asked, pointing at Jeno whose clearly having a hard time balancing the 3 sodas and an extra-large popcorn with his hands. Jaemin’s response was a peal of mirth laughter.

“Well, we offered. But the idiot insists on proclaiming himself as our slave for the night. So I say, we let him be.” I was about to protest but Jaemin pulled me again, hard this time, while we enter the already dark theater. “Come on let’s find our seats.”

True to their words, it is indeed the movie I’ve been talking about nonstop since its release has been officially confirmed. Though back then I knew it won’t be coming out of theaters ‘til next year, I don’t believe I have stopped gushing about it telling to my friends that they better watch it with me once it’s released on the cinemas. But it’s been so long, and the look on their faces back then screams uninterested. I am surprised Jaemin and Jeno remembered. I’m happy.

I was seated between Jaemin and Jeno through the whole movie. I told them to change seats because I felt like I was getting in between them by, well, sitting in between them. But the combination of Jaemin’s arms clinging tightly to mine as his eyes all focused on the large screen and the weight of Jeno’s arm drooped at the back of my neck while he munches the popcorn quietly, made me want to sit in this position a little longer. The AC inside the cinema is probably at its highest but the wisp breath of Jaemin close to my ears and the touch of Jeno’s skin at my nape is enough to warm me up. I allowed myself to be selfish for those two hours, enjoying this temporary place in the middle of the two love of my life.

“That is so good! I didn’t expect that!” Jaemin squealed once we’re out of the theaters.

“As always, Renjun’s taste is the best!” Jeno compliments. “Did you enjoy the movie, Injunnie?”

“Uh... yeah. Haha, I do.” God I don’t even remember what happened by the half of it. Not my fault when Jaemin’s breath against my neck and on the shell of my ear is too distracting along with the countless of times my finger and Jeno’s would touch whenever we put our hands in the bucket of popcorn at the exact same time.

“We’re glad you like it. It’s a good thing it’s release date is close to your birthday. At least we get to spend a movie date with you and this is a celebration too for your special day. Just one day late.”

I smiled at Jeno’s statement.

On our way, we found a clawing machine filled with a bunch of cute plushies. And as a person takes a deep liking to anything cute and adorable, I quickly dash to it. my palms pressing against the glass, while I peek at the variety of plushies inside. Everything is so cute I just wanna haul them all. But what really caught my attention is the lonely moomin plushie at the far corner of the machine. If I were in an anime, I’m sure my eyes already resembled those hearty shaped look most anime characters often do.

“Jeno, come here!” I motioned for Jeno to come close. Once I manage to touch the fabric of his shirt, I pulled him close, my eyes still trained at my target inside the machine.

“Did you see that single moomin plushie?” I asked.

“Uh... yeah? Don’t tell me...”

“Please, Jeno! You’re my only hope. I’ll do anything if you could get me that moomin plushie!” I clasp my hands together as I desperately look towards a very surprised Jeno.

Why Jeno? Well, between us three, Jeno is the only one who possesses actual luck when it comes to evil claw machines. I called it evil because I still remember how the claw machines back in Gyeongsang frustrate me to no end. Jeno proved himself worthy to be called King of Claw Machines. In the past, he managed to get me two plushies and Jaemin his all-time favorite Ryan plushie while playing this game of luck. So of course, my ticket to getting that moomin plushie is no other than Jeno.

Jaemin laughed at the distance. “I’d do it if I were you, I mean it’s not everyday Injunnie here would propose to do anything for the person who could get that moomin plushie. He might be desperate.”

“Please, hmm, Jeno-ah?” I tried to pull my hopefully adorable pleading eyes. Jeno stared for a minute, dumbfounded, only to sigh later in defeat.

“Fine fine. I’ll buy coins. Wait here.”

When he came back, he had a couple of coins in his hands. He inserted two at the machine before it activated, the claw inside started to move with a slight push and pull of the joystick outside. Jaemin and I watch with hawk eyes as Jeno tried to grab the moomin plushie, but since it’s at the far end of the machine, we already expected it to be pretty hard. It’s no surprise Jeno failed at first try.

Totally fine. I bet my fingers it’d take him at least three tries before he got that plushie.

“Jesus Christ, Jeno! We’re out of coins!” complained by Jaemin.

“Chill babe, the previous ones are just me practicing. The real game starts now!”

“Yeah. The last one is the 13th “practice”. This will be the 14th.”

“Shush. Here I go. Just you wait, Renjun. I’ll get this moomin for you.” Jeno concentrated, analyzing the position of the claw and the plushie for a few seconds, before pushing the button and shouting a “Yess!” Only for the plushie to drop back along with the others, escaping the claw successfully.

“What the fuck is wrong with this machine?!” Jeno screamed in frustration.

“You know what, stay back. I’ll get this plushie for Renjun myself,” Jaemin couldn’t help himself and said with an eye roll, pushing Jeno lightly out of his way.

“Heh yeah right. Let’s see if you could do it then. If I can’t do it, then you out of the three of us, won’t be able to,” Jeno mocked.

Jaemin is the worst player when it comes to claw machines. So just imagine our faces when Jaemin inserted our last coin, did a little analyzing, before pressing the button to grab the target. The luck itself is probably laughing at Jeno’s face when Jaemin succeeded in picking the moomin plushie on his first try.

I squealed in happiness, bouncing towards the claw machine and quickly pulling the newest addition to my moomin plushies. It’s a medium-sized, cute, and fluffy white plushie that I already imagined sitting on my bed along with the other moomin plushie I owned. I held it to my chest, feelings its softness in my arms.

“Seems like your luck was left behind at Gyeongsang. Apparently, I’m the King of Claw Machines here in Seoul, babe,” Jaemin smirked at the still frozen Jeno, slapping his shoulder with a chuckle.

“This can’t be happening... no...” Truly, the face of Jeno while he denies his fate is quite adorable and comical at the same time.

“Do you like it, Injunnie? That’s my birthday gift for you okay?” Jaemin flash me a smile.

“Thanks, Jaemin.”

“Hey! It’s _my_ gift for Renjun. I am the one who paid for the coins,” Jeno, who finally moved on from the unexpected turn of events, argued.

Though he should have known, his boyfriend is not one to back down either. Jaemin, in other words, is stubborn. Very stubborn.

“Well I am the one who picked that plushie in that machine! Something you failed to do even after 14 tries!”

“But will you be able to play without the coins that _I_ bought? No. So it’s _my_ gift.”

“Your coins don’t matter because as far as I know you’re _this_ close to wasting all of it with your failed tries!”

“Still, I bought it.”

“I won it for Injunnie.”

“I-”

“Guys! Seriously, stop fighting okay? This is a gift I received from you two. Now, can you two not shout at each other because people are starting to stare,” I intervened.

The two groaned before saying a defeated, “Fine.”

However, Jeno whispered to my ear a second after when Jaemin’s not looking. “It’s my gift, okay? I bought the coins. Jaemin just so happened to have luck on his side today. Who knows, maybe if I tried too instead of him, I’d get that too.”

And unsurprisingly, really I am not surprised, Jaemin did the same when we started walking and Jeno was busy looking at the time on his phone. “Remember who got the plushie for you, okay? Jeno’s argument was he bought the coins. Well, anyone can buy a coin. But not everyone is able to win in that claw machine like me.”

The urge to slap them both is really strong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay lolol, I'm so sorry I am not good at writing fluff. You can already tell that with the series of my works so... I'm not a really happy and fluffy and all-for-anything light kind of person so writing this is a little challenging for me. I know it's not yet perfect but this is still a practice, hopefully the future chapters will include improved scenarios from this onwards.
> 
> So like just a quick shameless promotion, if you're ever up into a Supernatural AU with 7Dream, you can check out my new fic, Tabula Rasa. It's far lighter than this one (I tried it to be), with failed attempt of this girl on the humor category, lmao. But yeah, feel free to look that up on my profile. It is an on-going series along with this one. 
> 
> Any thoughts, feel free to comment down below. I love reading them and I appreciate them more than you think. Thank you for reading this story of mine. Have a good day/night. xx
> 
> \- sungchan
> 
> P.S: AGAIN PLEASE STREAM PUNCH MV BY NCT 127!!!


	16. Chapter 15: Let’s Lose Our Mind Over Canceled Plans

_**Renjun’s** _

We were walking and strolling around, looking at the displays and simply enjoying the silence between us three. It’s a nice feeling. Being with Jeno and Jaemin.

“By the way, where did you go yesterday? You’re not in any of your classes and in your dorms too. I mean, you didn’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” Jaemin awkwardly rub his nape, jotting his lips while he offered a kind smile but his eyes had a trace of worry I might be uncomfortable with the question considering the events from yesterday.

My hand moved thoughtlessly to hold Jaemin’s, running my thumb on the back of his hand before giving a reassuring smile. I wished Jaemin is truly blushing right now, and the red on his cheek is not just my mind playing tricks on me again. But the boy looked away, and I’m left with just the false image of his adorable red face in my mind.

“I went to Seodaemun with my roommate,” I answered.

Jaemin’s hands visibly stiff while Jeno’s tracks almost stopped. Before continuing, though slowly this time.

“Seodaemun? What’s in Seodaemun?” Jeno’s voice is questionably hard and cold. I suddenly worried if I said something wrong.

“Oh there’s a really popular museum in that place Yangyang brought me to. It’s called Seodaemun Prison Museum? Yeah, that’s the name.”

Jaemin’s hold on my hand became unbelievably tight after I said that. Confusion hits me up for a second as to why there’s a sudden change of air between us three. Or is it just me?

“A jail museum? Is that even a thing?” Jeno queried.

“Yeah, there’s a thing like that. It’s quite interesting actually. Especially if you love studying the history of Korea, which should apply to both of you since you are a citizen of South Korea. That place is a historical museum. It’s, well, obviously a prison originally. Something about Korean activists that are against Japanese Administration before had been locked up and tortured to death in that place. And now it’s an old museum anyone can visit if they want to learn more about the dark side of history. It’s quite a creepy place but it’s good at the same time.”

“A prison where people are once locked up and what? _Tortured to death?_ ”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what I said,” I gave Jeno a _duh_ look.

“Your roommate sure had an odd taste of picking places to go to,” Jaemin commented this time, a hint of mockery in his tone.

“Hey, no judging. Sure it is quite odd but people have different likes and dislikes over things. In fact, I like it that he’s not one of those people who goes to those popular museums just so he could follow the “trend”.”

“We’re not judging.”

“Totally not. We only find it a little odd for your roommate to pick an old prison and place of torture to explore. There are a lot of museums here in Seoul, you know,” Jaemin interjects.

“To be honest, your roommate gives me a certain vibe that I can’t quite pull off yet. It’s unsettling,” Jeno says.

I turned to the two of them, sighing a little before pulling my hand out of Jaemin’s hold to cross my arms. “My roommate is really nice. He’s the one who picked me up when Donghyuck left me in some part of Seoul even if it’s in the middle of the night-”

“We would have picked you up too even if it’s 3 a.m, Renjun.”

“I know that, Jaem. And I understand when you cannot answer my calls that time. My point is, Yangyang is the one present that night. He’s very sweet and he tried to cheer me up. And I appreciate his effort for taking me to a museum even if it’s an old prison or a place where people were executed and tortured. It would be a hypocrite of me to let you two say things concerning him just because you’re my friends. He’s my friend too. And he’s really nice.”

“I don’t know, Injun. That boy is something. Even from yesterday. He’s a little weird,” Jeno whispered.

I pulled the two of them closer, giving my plushie to Jeno who accepts it without a word, before I slung my arms around their shoulders. The action had me tiptoeing because these two dumbos are taller than me. But that doesn’t stop me from assuring them with small pats on their shoulder.

“I appreciate your concerns but really, trust me on this, Yangyang is extremely nice. He’s just a little introverted and shy like me. He’s simply into things far from the general. Just because a person is into weird things doesn’t make them weird too. What, just because Yangyang brought me to a place where people were tortured once upon a time you think he’s already capable of torturing people to death too? Don’t be silly.”

“That’s not our point, Injun,” Jaemin sighed.

“How about I set up a meeting with you two and Yangyang one of these days?” Maybe with the others too once I’m ready. “In that case, you’ll get to know my new friend and you’ll realize he’s a good person. A little weird but good nonetheless.”

“Fine for me. If that would mean I could check on the person who shares the same space with my Injunnie, then I won’t miss the chance.”

“Hey! He’s _our_ Injunnie, idiot!” Jaemin says with offense.

A burst of laughter leaves my mouth. There’s a happiness that blossoms in my heart whenever they proclaim me as theirs. Even if a part of my mind knows it’s a joke, a mere play, there are a few exceptional times where I allow myself to believe they truly mean that.

Tonight is one of those.

***

_**Yangyang’s** _

_**Hey, first of all, I truly TRULY am sorry bec I’m gonna have 2 cancel our dinner tonight :( Something came up, I hope you understand. I’ll make it up to u another time, I promise :(( Pls dont be mad. : < ** _

Maybe I read it wrong. Did I read it wrong?

I close my eyes. In my mind I counted up to ten. Nothing is audible but the little voice inside my head in charge of my ten seconds countdown and the rhythmical beating on my chest.

_5..._ Calm down, you’re imagining things. You just woke up, remember?

_4..._ It’s your eyes playing tricks on you. _What a useless piece of balls._

_3..._ I said calm the fuck down!

_2..._ Why do you never listen?!

_1..._

_**Hey, first of all, I truly TRULY am sorry bec I’m gonna have 2 cancel our dinner tonight :( Something came up, I hope you understand. I’ll make it up to u another time, I promise :(( Pls dont be mad. : < ** _

It’s still there, Renjun’s text message. I read it. Again. Then again. Then again.

Why can’t I find any words, _anything_ , that indicates this is a joke. A prank Renjun pulled. Or maybe this is for _someone else_. Jaemin and Jeno, perhaps? Or even for that pest Donghyuck? I don’t think the idea of Renjun canceling a _different dinner date_ is very appealing for me.

But that is so much better than this text actually being meant for me.

I waited a minute. Then two. Then three. Ten minutes had passed but there is no new message that says _**Oops sorry, wrong number! Our dinner date is totally NOT canceled, Yangyang.**_

Time doesn’t matter and neither are the clothes neatly laid beside me on the mattress, all fresh from the cabinet in hopes of choosing the perfect one to wear tonight. All because Renjun canceled.

I pinched my thighs, hard. Hoping I’d wake up from this bad dream. I _hate_ bad dreams. After a few pinching, I still cannot feel anything. The thought showered a small hope inside my withering chest. Maybe I am still dreaming.

But the blood coating the edges and the tip of my fingernails says otherwise. I frowned. Looking over to my thighs, fresh blood is oozing out of the raw wound, marks of my sharp-edged nails cutting into the layer of surface like it’s a piece of cloth, a little more pressure to trigger the nasty flesh within.

My eyes turn back to Renjun’s text message. The more I read it, the more it sinks in, the more I glare at the phone on my hand.

“ _You’ll let me treat you for dinner at a seafood restaurant tomorrow. I saw a restaurant near the bookstore that serves fresh seafood. And I wanna try it with you.”_

“ _You’ll let me treat you for dinner at a seafood restaurant tomorrow. I saw a restaurant near the bookstore that serves fresh seafood. And I wanna try it with you.”_

“ _I saw a restaurant near the bookstore that serves fresh seafood. And I wanna try it with you.”_

“ _And I wanna try it with you.”_

“ _I wanna try it with you.”_

“ _With you.”_

“ _You.”_

I release an airy scream. Heedlessly, I throw the phone on the wall across, the object hitting harshly at the hard and solid substance before it lands on Renjun’s bed. Not bothering if it cracked, or if it tears into pieces. My clammy hands tug my hair, _hard_. I stood from the bed, then crouch on the floor, letting out a piercing airy cry. The intensity offering a sense of numbness over my fibers and nerves.

A couple more intense muffled screams rendered my muscles weak and senseless at the same time, my previous stance dropping for a sitting position on the floor. The heart inside my chest is beating so fast, I can feel it pounding in my ribcage. I hit my chest with my fist balled in anger. the organ's incessant beating annoys me to no end. _I hate it._ I hate that this heart is so alive. I wish it would fucking stop pulsating and pumping blood all over my body. Maybe then Renjun would come to have dinner with me.

But he didn’t. He canceled on me. Once again, the fire growing in my chest ignites, and this time I couldn’t care less about the things that I throw over the room. I don’t care if I ripped half of my clothes and knocked down the lamp on my drawer. Recklessly I threw all of the books placed on there too along with my pillow and bedsheets on the walls. With the scissor on sight, without hesitation I picked the object and continuously stab the mattress with its pointy blade.

‘ _Fuck you, Renjun! Why?! How dare you?! Fuck you fuck you fuck you! I hope you die! I wanna kill you!’_

I release another scream, though this time I dip my head hard at the cushion, muffling my howls. Clenching the scissors hard, I am sure the lunges I threw on the soft cushion will leave a mark. But right now, I couldn’t find myself to care for such unimportant things.

When I finally calmed down, all energy has left my body. I feel empty. Like a body void with soul, only my outer shell remains. Nothing was left. Except for the thought of Huang Renjun.

Huang Renjun. My Chinese roommate who happened to be the same age as mine. Renjun, who owns the most dazzling and loveliest smile I have ever seen in my roughly 20 years of living on Earth. Renjun, who managed to become the center of my universe in just a short time span. Renjun, who have fit all the description of how “one true love” should be according to my grandma.

I don’t know when exactly it started. Is it when I heard him crying, trying his best not to make any sound but obviously failing on my first night of stay here? Or is it when he smiled to me so kindly the next morning, accepting the medicine and water I gave, all while looking at me as if I was the best thing that ever happened in his life? There’s also the possibility it started when he joined me for lunch in this dorm, choosing me over his pathetic and rowdy friends eating at the cafeteria. The answer to this will forever remain a mystery. And it’s not even important.

What’s important is I love Huang Renjun. What truly matters is how much I am willing to take, to do, and to endure just so this one true love could last. _‘Yes, the beginning doesn’t matter. It’s always the ending that defines the whole story.’_

A small smile escapes my lips. I laid myself on the cold hard floor. Finding comfort with its chilly touch under my cheek. Drop of wet tears slipped from my eyes. I am hurt, yes. But it’s okay. Love is nothing without pain.

I suddenly want to stab myself after remembering the curses and hateful words I threw to my beloved. I didn’t mean any of that. I am a normal human being who can say things I didn’t mean to when angry. But really, they’re just words born out of rage. I don’t want Renjun dead. I love him. So much. That if he ever died without my consent I’ll make sure to pull him out of hell. So I could personally kill him for leaving me.

Yet of course, I’m never going to let things end like that. It’s better to live together than die forever.

A chuckle emits from my mouth. Looking at the pieces of fabric scattered on the same floor, I sighed. I’d have to clean this mess before my Renjun comes back. I don’t want him thinking I’ve gone crazy just because of a simple canceled plan.

But right now, I’ll let myself bask with the thought of Huang Renjun while lying here in the cold ground.


	17. Chapter 16: Let’s Make You Happy, Doesn’t Matter If I Die

_**Renjun’s** _

I woke up the morning after feeling like I’ve been on a wonderful daydream. Never have I slept this well these past few months. And I can’t remember the last time where I opened my eyes at the glimmer of morning sunrise and not worry about how I’d survive the rest of the day. Now, when the folds of my eyes flutter open, staring at the plain white ceiling, a small smile grew on my lips. There’s a happiness budding in my stomach, and I find delight in stretching my limbs after a tranquil night.

I sat and saw the moomin plushie Jaemin and Jeno gave me beside my pillow. Grinning, I made sure to greet it a good morning before suffocating it with a hug on my chest. Last night felt like a dream. Though it really isn’t.

I’m not gonna deny it anymore. I missed Jaemin and Jeno. So I don’t mind if I regret all these things later, but I’d allow myself to be happy for a while.

While I grab my toothbrush and towel, the door to the room opened, revealing Yangyang fresh from a shower. His hair still dripping wet from the bath.

“You’re up early?” Yangyang greeted with a bright smile.

“Yeah, I have something to work on. How bout you, early morning class?”

“Sadly, my schedule is full of them,” he answered with a laugh.

Suddenly, I remembered about last night. Guilt immediately washed over me upon recalling how I canceled on our plans the previous night at the last minute. And how Yangyang doesn’t respond to my text. Not even once.

“Hey, uh, sorry about last night.”

Yangyang stopped drying his hair then turned to me. “What about last night?”

“You know, for canceling our dinner? I’m really sorry about that,” I apologized, guiltily biting my lower lip.

“Oh. That.” Yangyang became quiet before he spoke again, sitting on his mattress were grey colored sheets different from his previous cream-colored ones. “It’s okay, hyung. I understand.”

“Are you sure? You did not answer my message last night so I’m really worried you’re mad at me or something.”

“Oh please, hyung. I’m not _that_ petty. I understand, really. Plus, I couldn’t answer because...” Yangyang moved over to his drawer and pulled out his phone. A long line of a very obvious crack on its screen when he showed it to me.

“What happened?!” I asked in worry.

Yangyang sighed before throwing back the phone inside one of the compartments in his drawer. “Accidentally knocked it and dropped it in the toilet bowl last night. It won’t even open anymore so it’s pretty useless at this point. I’d probably just buy a new replacement.”

Wow, my poor soul can’t relate. Though I’m never gonna embarrass myself in front of my roommate by showing interest in his broken phone (which I’m 100% sure can still be fixed in a cellphone repair shop).

“But did you see my text?”

“Of course. Sadly, it’s also the same time I dropped my phone, just as when I’m about to type a reply.” A look of sadness marred on that pretty face.

“Hey, Yangyang.”

“Hmm?”

“Are you free for lunch?”

“Are you asking me out on another date after ditching on me last night?”

I immediately blush at the word date. With the way Yangyang laughed after, I’m sure he noticed the blush on my cheek.

“S-Shut up! It’s not a date. But yeah, I wanna make it up to you. So meet me here at the dorms okay? Let’s go out for lunch,” I said in embarrassment, quickly grabbing on the door and helping myself out of the room before I could even hear a response from Yangyang, which I’m positive will only make me feel a lot more embarrassed.

Still, I heard the echo of his playful laughter before I closed the door.

***

“What do you like?” I asked Yangyang while I scan the menu book.

“What about you? What are you getting?”

“I was thinking of this seafood platter. They have crabs and shrimps which I really like.” I point out at the picture of the meal on my the menu book, sharing it with Yangyang.

“Let’s get that then,” my roommate smiled, closing the menu book I doubt he even looked at on his hands.

The waiter’s already asking for our order before I knew it. Yangyang and I both chose the same meal and the same drinks, as he quote and unquote, “I want to eat the same thing as you.”

“Last night, you’re with Jaemin and Jeno huh?” Yangyang stated out of the blue while we wait for our food.

I figured there’s no reason for me to deny it so I simply answered with a nod. “Yeah. They suddenly appeared at the shop and pull me in for a night out. Sorry.”

“That’s cute. They seem to really like you.”

Heat covered my cheeks. “Oh a-as a friend of course.”

A smile appeared on my roommate’s lips, his fingers tapping on the flat surface of our round table. “Of course.”

Yangyang looked distracted for a while. His line of sight focused at the table and his hand as if there’s something interesting to look at. For a while, he stayed like that. While I entertain myself upon the design of this place. Fortunately, our food arrived not too long after.

The sight of various seafood served in my table is enough to make me salivate. That as soon as the waiter excused himself, I quickly delved in and started at the large crab on my plate. I’m in the middle of eating when I noticed Yangyang’s almost untouched plate. The guy isn’t eating the shrimp or the crabs, even the prawns. He’s merely eating the side dishes and the sushi.

I frowned. “Why aren’t you eating your food?”

Yangyang flushed. Is it just me or he really seem embarrassed right now? He put his chopsticks down and rub the back of his head. “I... I don’t know how to eat this...”

“Oh.” _Oh._ Right. I forgot Yangyang is born from a wealthy family so he presumably has no idea how to peel a crab or strip a shrimp. _‘He probably has a lot of people doing that for him.’_

So without hesitation, I picked the crab on his plate and a huge pair of scissors that came with our tray. I peeled off the skin for him and extracted its meat. I did the same with the prawn and the shrimp.

“There. Eat.” I smiled after.

Yangyang merely stared at the seafood in his platter, minus all the skins and claws of course. “T-Thank you, hyung.”

“Of course.” I picked a shrimp with my chopstick and placed it in front of his mouth. “Try this. The shrimps are really good.”

Yangyang was taken aback, his face says it all. I too was surprised at my action. Maybe it’s weird. I shouldn’t be feeding him. But he’s just so cute and I kinda wanna take care of him.

My worries disappeared as quickly as it came when Yangyang flashed a smile and ate the shrimp I offered him. With satisfaction in my chest, I went back to my own plate.

Yangyang and I chattered while eating. Asking about each other's favorite seafood. I answered shrimp and crabs without hesitation. Yangyang merely shrugged, saying he is more into pork and beef than this. But not without adding how he’s beginning to like crab meat and shrimp now. And that we should both come here often so I could eat the food I want.

Everything is going well. The food is nice, Yangyang is a good company. Just a nice day in general. Until it isn’t.

The unexpected happen when I was pulling out money from my wallet. After putting the cash on the table, and sipping my iced tea, Yangyang’s hands slam on the table. Not in an angry and violent way, but loud enough to catch attention. My attention.

He’s gripping on the table. His hands shaking. Automatically, my eyes stretched wide open, heart pounding in worry.

“Yangyang? Are you okay?”

And then Yangyang just hyperventilated. I’m out of my seat once I realized Yangyang is struggling to breathe. I felt his whole body shaking when I pull him into me. His skin is ice cold and damp with sweat.

“Yangyang! Yangyang!” I called his name several times, and the staff at the restaurant approached us in worry. Yangyang is gasping heavily, trying to catch air with obvious difficulty.

“R-Ren...ju...n”

“I’ll take you to the hospital, okay? Hang in there!” One staff already called for a cab and it’s a good thing there’s a hospital nearby. So with all of my strength, I carried Yangyang out of that restaurant while I hurriedly ride the cab, Yangyang slowly losing his senses as minutes passed.

“To the nearest hospital, please hurry!” I said to the driver.

I gripped Yangyang’s cold hands tight. Somewhere along our way, he lost consciousness, head falling down to my shoulder. I’m so confused and scared at the same time. What is happening?

Whatever it is, I hope it isn’t that serious. I prayed hard for Yangyang to be okay.

***

The sun was about to set, staining the sky with its raging shade of orange. And I missed my afternoon classes, too preoccupied with taking care of Yangyang and filling in whatever needs he might have. It’s a good thing he’s okay now, just resting as the doctor says. God knows how close my heart was from jumping out of my chest when I ran Yangyang to this hospital. I have no idea what to do. Things like this barely happened to me, and even if it does, I always have someone who knows better and panics less than I.

So I spent the whole day looking after my roommate. And running over to a drug store nearby to buy whatever medicine the doctor prescribed.

When Yangyang stirred a little from his bed, I was on his side not a second after.

“Yangyang, are you okay? How are you feeling? Can you hear me?”

“R-Renjun? W-What happened?”

I sighed in relief. “Thank god. You worried me! We’re in a hospital right now after you started having trouble breathing! And you lost consciousness too. You scared me to death.” I lightly slap his arm. Though I doubt it is strong enough to be considered a slap as I am too careful not to hurt him more. I sink back to my previous chair beside his bed.

“You’re worried about me?” His eyes glinted in small light flashes of happiness.

“Of course, I am! Why did you not tell me you’re allergic to seafood! The doctor says you suffered from a reaction called _Anaphlaxis_? Anphaxis? Aphlaxis?”

“Anaphylaxis,” Yangyang corrects.

“Yeah, that. And it’s the most severe symptom, Yangyang! Something worst could’ve really happened if you were even a second late from receiving proper treatment!” I couldn’t stop the anger in my voice when I said the last sentence. Just remembering all the information the doctor told me a few hours ago is enough for all the emotions I repressed so hard the whole afternoon. Sure, the medical terms and jargon are something I am unfamiliar with but I’ve seen enough to know how severe it is. Felt Yangyang’s cold palms and body shaking with difficulty as he tried to inhale air. So Yangyang cannot blame me, or anyone, if I somehow feel mad about all this.

We could have avoided everything if I only knew Yangyang’s allergic to seafood.

However, Yangyang doesn’t even seem a little bit fazed from my outburst. He simply stayed still, staring at me in bliss and awe. An emotion not fit for the one being scolded, but praised instead.

“What the hell is wrong with you? You worried me to death and now you’re just smiling and staring,” I grumbled.

“You’re worried about me. Why would I not smile with that?” He reached out for my hand resting on his bed, slowly, until his cold hands finally met mine.

I sighed. Feeling an impending headache about to come through with Yangyang not even letting my words of anger sink into his brain. I fail to understand how can he even smile at this point when he’s basically lying on the bed and had the worst allergic reaction a few hours ago? And how did he even dare to eat that seafood when he knew so well it’s gonna trigger his allergy?

And to think that he even ate a whole platter of it. I’m surprised, and so is the doctor, with the reaction coming too late yet too deadly at the same time.

“You shouldn’t have eaten them. You should have told me. We could go to another place and this would not happen.”

There’s a squeeze in my hand. Before Yangyang entwined our fingers together and held my palm tightly in his.

“But you like that place. You want to eat that particular meal. You wanted me to eat them. Don’t you remember hyung?”

‘ _Huh?’_ I stare at Yangyang in confusion. His lips stretched out in a wide-open smile, eyes full of delight.

“You took me to that place because you said you love seafood. You feed me a shrimp. How can I say no to that?” Yangyang’s head bent a little, resembling that of a child so innocent and full of curiosity for the world.

“I just want you to be happy. _Did I not make you happy, hyung?_ ”


	18. Chapter 17

_**Renjun’s** _

The bookstore is busy for the midnight sale and I decided to stay for the additional payment of extra working hours. I see no problem with it as tomorrow will be weekend therefore I have no morning classes to attend to. More than that, I simply have the night free to myself so I did not hesitate to say yes when Joy noona asked me to work until midnight.

“Where should I put these books, Junnie?”

Somehow, Jeno and Jaemin ended up spending their own Friday night helping us in the store. Ever since they knew of my workplace it becomes their hobby to show up an hour before the store closes. As to, according to them, “hang out”. It happens every day even Joy noona is starting to get used to their presence. The same happened this afternoon. Jeno and Jaemin both came bustling in the door with coffees on hand and while they have no idea of a midnight sale, instead of leaving early, Joy noona offered the two to stay if they want. “We could definitely use extra hands here, Renjun,” she said.

So here we are. Punching orders for the buyers, reorganizing books on the shelves, and trying to please demanding old patrons with our friendliest tone on a Friday evening.

“Sort them with their genre then organize them alphabetically on the shelf,” I answered Jaemin while giving change to a customer.

“Got it!”

From my peripheral view, I see Jaemin having a hard time carrying out dozens of books on his arms. While across me there is Jeno, trying to talk to an old, balding man who is having a hard time choosing between two Nicholas Sparks’ novel. _‘Why not just buy it? We’re in a midnight sale. Buying two books would simply cost you like you’re buying only one!’_

I would feel apologetic for what I put Jaemin and Jeno through with their supposed to be enjoyable and stress-free Friday night (though it is their insistence they stay and not mine). But right now I have a long line waiting for me so I’ll save that up for later.

The midnight sale lasted until 2 o’clock. Half of our aisles are empty and the register full of bills and coins. The four of us ordered pizza and coke once the flow of the customer lessened.

“Job well-done everyone! Thank you for your hard work!” Joy noona claps.

She gave two envelopes for Jaemin and Jeno. The two, without knowing what to do, accept it. “What’s this for?” Jeno asked in a raised eyebrow.

“For your work of course! It would be unfair for you two who put through a lot of our customer’s bullshit the entire night if I didn’t pay you.”

Jaemin looked through the envelope and a few bills indeed are inside. “No. We can’t accept this. We helped because we wanted to.”

“Yeah. It’s okay, noona, really. You don’t have to,” Jeno added.

Joy noona tsks before she faced me. “See Renjun why don’t you talk to your friends here. I’m sure they’ll listen to you.” She patted my shoulder before turning away, heading for the stockroom. “Convince them well, my boy.”

I sighed. “Just accept it you two. You can never return that anyway unless you wanna face her wrath. Trust me, it’s no good to get on her bad side.” I shrug, remembering that one time a drunk customer comes in looking for a limited edition book that we obviously do not have. He thrashed out and cursed the bookstore, yelling inappropriate things and scaring other customers. When the customer ran out crying with a black eye and a bruise on his cheek, it’s safe to say from then on I decided not to be fooled by Joy noona’s sweet smile. I shiver upon the memory.

It’s dark and quiet outside save for the 24/7 convenience store across the street when we lock the store. Joy noona had her housemate to pick her up while Jaemin and Jeno demand they’d take me back to the dorms. I did not argue as a part of me is scared of what could be prowling in the darkness of the streets this time of the night.

Reaching the dorm building, Jeno and Jaemin walk me inside.

“You guys can go, thanks for tonight,” I offered them a smile.

“No problem. Text us before you go to sleep, okay?” Jeno reached out to mess my hair.

“Don’t mess my hair, Lee Jeno,” I threatened with a glare.

Jaemin chuckled, he too is reaching out but to pinch my cheeks lightly. “Cutie.”

“Ugh stop it. You guys go, shoo! Text me once your home.” I remove their hands away from me, resulting in a chuckle from the two devils.

“See you tomorrow?” Jaemin asked, a little uncertain.

Right. We promise to eat lunch tomorrow.

“Yeah. See you tomorrow.” The two beamed at my confirmation. “Okay go now. It’s really getting late. Take care you-”

“ _Where were you?”_

The new voice startled us, especially me, who quickly turn to the newcomer. It’s Yangyang. What is he doing here? He had bloodshot eyes, unmistakably fresh from crying. His hair messy and his cheeks still had little traces of dried tears on them. I did not expect him at all.

“Hey. What’s up? Why’re you still awake?” I tried to ask.

But my question was ignored with a sharp response. “I kept on calling and calling and calling. Why aren’t you answering your phone?”

“I’m sorry, my phone died. I forgot to tell you we’re having a midnight sale today and I might be late.”

“Then why didn’t you do anything to tell me?! You could’ve borrowed someone’s phone!”

The inflict on Yangyang’s tone caused Jaemin to intervene. “Hey chill out. It’s not his fault. We’re all busy.”

Though Jaemin is gentle, he’s always been. Always trying to solve things in a peaceful manner, I appreciate him for that. Jeno, however, is Jaemin’s opposite. Ever since then he'd simply act on his own feelings and personal thoughts. Jeno is always a bold person, not afraid of voicing out his personal opinions on things even if it might ensue a misunderstanding or a fight.

“Watch your rudeness. It’s not Renjun’s responsibility to tell you anything. You’re just his roommate, what’s your problem?” Jeno had said.

I had the same question too. I simply couldn’t understand why Yangyang is acting like this.

“I was _worried_! Because the last time you spent the night out, you were almost raped! All because of your so-called “friends”! I am sorry for being the _only one_ who actually worried about your sake!” Yangyang spat in a voice so cold it sent a different kind of shiver on my bones.

Yangyang threw me one last look before he stomped to the elevator, harshly pressing the doors open, the sound resonated through the quiet foyer.

I felt two eyes at the back of my head the same time Yangyang disappeared on the elevator. Jaemin and Jeno had a bewildered look that at first I couldn’t understand until Jeno asked with a clenched jaw.

“What is he talking about Renjun?”

It took me two seconds to realize it is the incident from my birthday night. Right. I still haven’t told Jeno and Jaemin or anyone, except for Yangyang, the whole story. The horrible part that doesn’t just end with Donghyuck and Mark hyung ditching me in the nightclub.

One look into Jaemin and Jeno’s eyes and I knew there is no avoiding this topic.

I sighed, already feeling a looming headache after a long day.

***

I woke up late the next morning. Yangyang’s already awake and reading something on his bed. Without saying a word, I proceed to take a bath. Yangyang did not bother to spare me a glance or acknowledge me with his usual bright smile and enthusiastic good mornings. So I did not bother either. Still, a heavy feeling filled my chest as I simply hate having a misunderstanding with someone I see on a daily basis. My problem with Donghyuck was not solved yet and now this...

‘ _Way to go for a healthy relationship with your roommate.’_

It was in the middle of putting a sweatshirt did I felt a pair of arms around my waist. I stiffened. Then there’s a muffled sob coming from Yangyang who buried his face on my back. _What the- Is he crying?!’_

“Yang-”

“I’m sorry. Please don’t ignore me. I can’t take the silence between us hyung.”

I gulp. Yangyang’s behavior last night is startling. A part of me hates it, the same part who took it as controlling rather than caring. I can’t exactly reject Yangyang’s apology right now but I don’t want to say it’s okay either. Because it’s not. And I don’t want to build that friendship with Yangyang where I’d simply say it’s okay over things I am clearly not okay with. I don’t want this to be a RenHyuck 2.0.

When I removed his hands on my waist and turns around, Yangyang is quick to hug me again. The material of my sweatshirt wrinkling with how tight he gripped on them. “I’m sorry hyung. Tell me what I can do to make it up to you. I’ll do _anything_. Just please, don’t hate me. Don’t ignore me.”

“Hey, who says anything about hating you?” I sighed, lifting up his chin so we could meet eye to eye. “Hate is a strong word and I don’t do that to people. Especially to my friends. So no, I don’t hate you. Please don’t cry.”

“You don’t?” Yangyang sniffed.

I nodded before slowly pushing him away. “I don’t.”

“Then why are you pushing me away?”

“I am not, okay? I just have some places to go to. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Where are you going?” His eyes following me as I move around the dorm to pick my shoes and put them in.

“I’ll eat lunch with Jaemin and Jeno. I’ll be back later.”

I am in the middle of opening the door when his hand stopped me. When I eyed him, he had a serious look on his face. As if his eyes looking upon me was saying something I could not completely comprehend. Then he sighed, his expression softening.

“We’re okay right?” Yangyang hopefully asked.

I flash a smile before I removed his hand on my wrist. “Yeah, we are.” Then I left the door.

***

_**Yangyang’s** _

_We are not okay._

Renjun hates me. It’s very clear. Eyes do not lie. And so are actions.

I stare at my hands. The one he brushed off of his skin just like that. Like a piece of dirt. Like _I’m_ a piece of dirt.

I yelled in frustration, scratching and clawing the skin on my hand, the same one Renjun removed from his own without a second thought. I released a choked out scream before dropping on the floor, hands tugging my hair roughly. If I am not in a dorm building I will not hesitate to scream my anger in open air. Still, I have an image to maintain. _‘Fuck it.’_

Jeno and Jaemin. I knew it. Something smells fishy with those two. My gut feeling was never wrong. I always knew I can trust myself for knowing and smelling my enemy. Jeno and Jaemin, _they stink_.

And so are his group of friends. They are taking Renjun away from me. If I didn’t do something, they will succeed. That’s one thing I will not let to happen.

Renjun is mine.

“He is fucking mine! MINE! Seriously, why do people like to steal other’s possession?! That’s just so _selfish_ of them.”

I really don’t want to take matters in my own hands. I really do not want this. I am _trying_ to change. For Renjun. For myself. For our future.

But some people just _love_ to provoke me.

Action needs to be taken hence I will lose Renjun sooner or later. I glance at my cabinet, hoping I brought enough tools needed for an _operation_.

***

_**Renjun’s** _

“Why didn’t you tell us anything?” Jaemin is the first to speak after hearing out the whole story. Unlike Jeno who is quietly fuming beside the pink-haired boy, Jaemin tried to maintain his voice and emotions as I couldn’t exactly read what he’s thinking right now. His voice may be quiet but there’s a hint of coldness and anger in it.

“Because I’d rather not remember that night.” I looked down at my entwined fingers resting on the table, flinching when Jeno suddenly slammed his fist on the same surface.

“You were almost _harrassed_! You should have reported those bastards to the police! You should have said something. To Sicheng hyung, or to Jaemin or I,” Jeno gritted his teeth in fury.

“I told Yangyang okay?”

“Yeah, nice choice really.”

“Jeno stop it. Can’t you see Renjun’s already going through a hard time here? It’s not easy to tell somebody this kind of thing. If it were that easy this world will not be such a cruel place infested with perverts and criminals freely walking and entering nightclubs,” Jaemin spoke up against his boyfriend, something I am very thankful for.

“I’m just worried Jaem. And really mad. I hate that we couldn’t do anything. What if those bastards get to Renjun? What if Renjun failed to escape? Things would have gone differently. We won’t be here eating lunch right now. All because Renjun is left alone on his own birthday.” The last sentence left Jeno’s lips in a voice so soft I’m surprised he didn’t crack in the middle. His balled fist is still trembling in anger even with Jaemin’s hand on it. The usual eyes of his are downcast, and I know exactly what he’s thinking. He’s blaming his self.

Without thinking, I reached out for his other hand, gently running my thumbs on his fist. “I’m okay. Nothing bad happened. I’m sorry if I didn’t tell you, it’s not really the best memory I ever had. And I don’t want you to worry. I don’t want to bother-”

“You are not a bother to us,” Jaemin cut me off.

Flashing a smile to Jaemin, I continued, “I know. So please don’t be bothered by this anymore. Everything’s fine. Don’t blame yourselves. No one wanted this to happen.”

“If Donghyuck and Mark hyung didn’t leave-”

“No Jeno. Donghyuck and Mark hyung might have left me but it’s still not their fault some people are just plain assholes.“

“I’m sorry we couldn’t answer your calls that night. Sorry, it’s us who pushed you to go to that nightclub,” Jaemin apologized, free hand reaching out to mine on top of Jeno’s. And it felt nice. My hand in between Jaemin and Jeno’s. It’s warm.

In the end, Jaemin joined me on my seat and gave me the tightest hug. It’s always a wonder for me, how Jaemin can look so delicate but had the ability to give the best hugs. Jeno followed after. Embracing my frame from behind while whispering sweet nothings on my ear, praises I always crave to hear. We stayed like that for a few minutes. Just sharing warmth with each other.

I appreciated Jaemin and Jeno’s effort of not pushing me any further about our sensitive discussion of what happened to me when Donghyuck and Mark hyung left at the nightclub. After that, we simply ate as normal as we can be. With Jaemin still making jokes and being flirty as always while Jeno opts to stay quiet, but not without laughing and oftentimes giving a few comments to regard both Jaemin and me.

We finished our lunch at peace, thankfully. Though I should have known better not to celebrate earlier over things.

If I had known another problem will arise in the name of Donghyuck and Mark hyung entering the same place we’re eating lunch at, I would have encouraged Jaemin and Jeno to hurry up and finish their drinks so we could leave. Maybe then we’ll avoid the unexpected meeting with the couple. Maybe then Donghyuck won’t be marching on our way with Mark hyung on tow. Maybe then Jaemin wouldn’t tense up at the impending trouble and Jeno wouldn’t give the sharpest glare I’ve never seen before, directed at the two newcomers.

But as much as I’d like to avoid it, _Donghyuck_ , I know I already lost my chance minutes ago. Before I knew it Donghyuck is behind me. Greeting us so casually.

“Hey, Jaemin, Jeno. Hi, Renjun.”

I mentally sigh in advance frustration.


	19. Chapter 18: Let’s Be Friends Who Reveal Each Others Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explicit and non-consensual smut ahead. Don’t worry, I made sure to put a warning before the scene. You can just skip ahead in the end if you’re not comfortable with that. Anyway, enjoy!

_**Renjun’s** _

“Hey, Hyuck.”

“So...” he began, pulling a vacant chair in our table. “You’re eating lunch with Jaemin and Jeno now but not with me?”

I gave Mark hyung a look, a silently pleading one, hoping he’ll understand and take Donghyuck away from our table.

“Okay Hyuck, maybe we shouldn’t barge in like this. Come on, let’s eat somewhere,” Mark tried to pull Donghyuck to stand from where he is sitting.

But Donghyuck sat firm, not even moving an inch while training his eyes on me. In an accusing manner, if I may say.

“This won’t take long,” he answered Mark hyung without looking away from me. “Renjun-ah, can you just forgive me now please? I said I’m sorry. It’ll never happen again, I swear. I didn’t even mean to do that. We came back for you but then you’re already gone when we did.”

To be honest, the thoughts of reconciling with Donghyuck come about at least thrice in my head these past few days. This is the longest time I’ve lasted giving Donghyuck a silent treatment. It’s not a very nice feeling and I really want to go back to our old ways. I was about to open my mouth and tell him it’s okay now and I forgive him but Jeno beats me to it.

“Bold of you Donghyuck to impose forgiveness on someone when you can’t even recognize your own mistakes. Are you even slightly aware of what you _actually_ did?” Jeno’s voice is full of venom, poisonous, and icy. It’s a warning for a wave of buried anger threatening to explode.

Jaemin is quick to wrap his arm around Jeno’s frame, hoping to calm the other with his touches. “Donghyuck, hyung, this is not a good time really. It’s best to talk some other time,” Jaemin, as always, tried to be the mediator between the cousins.

“Shut up, Jeno. I’ve been in it with you for the whole week. I’m still your cousin, learn to respect,” Donghyuck ignored Jaemin’s words.

“Oh like you deserve that?” Jeno countered.

“Hey! Watch your words, Jeno.” Mark hyung, as always, defends his boyfriend.

“Guys, please. Let’s not fight here, people are looking,” Jaemin tried to say.

Looking directly onto Donghyuck’s eyes, I pleaded one last time. “Donghyuck, Mark hyung, let’s talk some other time. Just not today please.”

Both of them are silent for a while. And just when I thought the sigh that escaped Donghyuck’s mouth is a sign of giving up, again, _I was wrong_.

With a bitter smile dancing on my best friend’s lips, he met my eyes in a way that is strangely unfamiliar to me. Far from his usual soft look and friendly eyes, this one had hate and anger on them. A combination I do not like.

“Yeah sure. I understand. Enjoy your time with Jeno and Jaemin, just forget about my existence then because you seemed to be good at doing that nowadays.”

Jeno growled on the table, slamming his fist on the surface and maybe about to attack Donghyuck? I don’t know really. Donghyuck’s words left ringing in my ears. And god, why is my vision's beginning to blurry?

“Mark hyung, _I'm begging you_ ,” I heard Jaemin plead.

“Come on, Hyuck. Let’s get out of here.” This time, it’s Mark hyung’s voice.

“Fine. We’ll go. But you know Renjun, you’re kinda hypocrite too. You’re getting mad at me for leaving you to make out with my boyfriend when you yourself are ignoring me so you could spend some time with your crushes.”

My heart thumping loudly in my chest swell with disbelief as I face Donghyuck. _Why? How? Why?_ Perhaps my emotions are too transparent right now, or I am just too vulnerable, that Donghyuck answered the questions filling in my head without me asking.

“Oh please, you’re not being too subtle about your feelings, Jun. Whenever we talk, it’s either you discuss art, your favorite boyband, or Jaemin and Jeno. Whenever we go out, you often point at things that Jaemin and Jeno would probably like, it’s so annoying to the point it felt like they’re with us even if we’re alone. And when one of them is talking, you’re looking at them with the most loving gaze I’ve ever seen you look at somebody. You smile even at their stupidest and cheesiest joke. It’s so fucking obvious these two are either too oblivious to notice you, or just too uninterested to know. But all the way, you’re not so good either so stop playing the victim card all the time.”

I did not remember the time Donghyuck stopped talking. But it’s funny, how every single word shot straight to my heart. And I see Mark from my tear-filled vision, trying to knock some sense and stop Donghyuck from everything he just said. I’ll thank him for that later, even if, basically, he failed. There’s a quick surprise that flashes on Donghyuck’s face too. Maybe even a hint of regret. My sight is far too unclear right now to be trusted.

I didn’t have to look at Jaemin and Jeno, too scared to see their reaction to all of this. The fact that I did not deny the accusation says a lot, I’m sure. And their silence is more than enough to know what is needed to know.

With my remaining strength, I stand up, pushing my tears away. “Thanks. I appreciate it, really,” is the last thing I said to Donghyuck before I walk out, never once looking back.

Nobody tried to stop me either.

At that point, while I walk away from that place, my feet taking me to god-knows-where, I don’t know which hurt the most. The words from my best friend, or the silence from the two persons who own my heart?

***

_**Yangyang’s** _

I glare at the clock. _09:35 p.m._ And still, Renjun isn’t back. He didn’t come back this afternoon before going to work by four. And his shift was supposed to end almost three hours ago. So why in the fucking world he’s still not here?!

Pacing back and forth in the small room I share with my beloved, as the seconds passed by I am losing my mind. _‘Where is he? Why is he not back yet? What’s taking him so long?!’_ I badly want to scream. My chest hurts and I felt like crying. I was trying to calm my nerves by roughly pressing a thumb on my palms, at the same time whispering reassurances for myself too.

“It’s okay. He’ll be back soon. He won’t leave you. He _can’t_.”

I jumped in surprise to the sudden knock to my door. I froze, looking expectantly at the white painted surface before another set of knocks reverberated inside the room. The sound of the knocks were done in urgent haste, tipping faster and harsher the longer it kept waiting. Like whoever’s outside is in a hurry, demanding for the door to be opened as soon as possible. I caught their distinct voices outside.

‘ _Renjun?’_

I was quick to move and open the door. Only, I didn’t expect to have a drunk Renjun falling straight into my arms as soon as I did. Not that I’m complaining. Renjun’s warmth and breath against my neck give me life.

“I-I’m sorry. Are you his roommate? Renjun drunk too much, he practically passed out,” a female voice pulled me out of my bliss.

She’s tall, had a long black hair ornate by a ribbon clip. Beside him is another boy, someone I don’t give a shit about. Realizing she’s waiting for a response, I simply nodded my head, earning a sigh of relief from the girl.

“By the way, I’m Joy, Renjun’s coworker. I’m so sorry for the inconvenience. I couldn’t stop him from drinking. I would have let him sleep in my apartment if I can but-”

“ _NO._ I-It’s okay. He should be here.” _‘With me.’_ “T-Thank y-you. I’ll take care of it from here.”

“Oh. Okay. We’ll get going then,” the girl bowed her head before pulling the hands of the boy beside him and disappearing on the hallway.

Renjun’s groans are what cut me off from following their already faded shadows on my sight. It’s then that I realized how awkward our position is, with Renjun’s head buried on my neck thus pressing his whole weight on me as he lied limp with his arms. I almost stumble down if not for my quick reflexes to hold on to him before kicking the door close.

Though Renjun is thin in frame and always had an aura of a lightweight with him, a drunk, almost lifeless Renjun I realized is as heavy as a dead body. We both fell off his bed and he toppled over me, groaning from the impact. And with Renjun on top of me, I can’t help my thoughts of how gorgeous he is with a scrunched up nose and all the tiny little noises coming out from his slightly opened mouth.

‘ _Renjun is here. And he’s drunk. I get to take care of him, no one else.’_ I smile happily at the thought.

I gently shift us into a seating position, cradling Renjun’s head in my chest while I remove his shoes and socks along with the jacket that’s causing him to sweat this much. I was thinking of grabbing a clean towel and warm water to wipe away the excess sweat on his forehead and body. Then before I sleep, I’d make sure there’s a bottled water beside his bed and a couple of medicines for the certain headache that is sure to hit him once he wakes up. Or maybe I could just wake up earlier so I could take care of him personally? I could buy a haejang-guk for him. Or is it better if I don’t sleep at all? So I could attend to his needs at any time of the night. I grin in pure delight. That’s a good idea.

Carefully I rest Renjun’s head against the wall before I stood up, hoping to find a clean towel in my closet. But before I could fully move away, he grabbed my wrist and pulls me back to his arms.

“Jaemin-ah, don’t go, please? I’m sorry...” I frowned at the words he whispered right into my ears. However, I couldn’t manage a response when he held on to my neck, clinging to me with the sort of neediness that doesn’t want to let go.

“Please, don’t leave me. You and Jeno, don’t hate me. I did not mean to...”

“Renjun...”

“I love you two.”

I did not know when my gentle and careful touches against Renjun’s skin turned into harsh and uncaring ones, burying my fingernails so deep it penetrated into Renjun’s waist despite the layer of clothing, prodding a stinging pain in his creamy skin. His whines ringing next to my ear.

Yet I couldn’t get myself to care. If anything, I made sure to claw on his skin more if only to hurt him for loving someone else that is _not me_. _‘How dare you, Huang Renjun?! I’m the one that’s in here, why can’t you see that?!’_ I want to scream on his face.

“I-I love you...” Renjun whispered in between his painful whines.

“Oh yeah? Show me then. Show me how much you love me, hyung.”

All of a sudden my anger dissipated. God how much I love Renjun. And if this makes him happy, if this would make him love me, who am I to deny? I’ll take anything Renjun will give me. Sooner or later he’ll realize the only person to ever truly love him... is me.

_**(WARNING: Non-consensual sex ahead. Not into this? Then you may skip this part.)** _

I sat over the space between Renjun’s thighs. Before bringing up my hands locked on his waist before to his face now, cupping it between my fingers. Then I languidly slide my lips on his.

And oh, it felt _so_ good. My heart overjoys in pleasure. I tilt my head, quickening the pace and trying to push deeper, when Renjun gasps and unconsciously pulled away. I opened my eyes to see him darting off from my advances though he remained limp and sleeping.

My former smile transformed into a thin line, the rejection suffocating my chest provoking a spiteful glare on my part. Recklessly, I wrap my arms around Renjun’s waist and leaned again. I didn’t waste any time to cradle his head with my left hand, angling it rightfully to meet mine. He doesn’t pull away, nor will I let him pull away. My tongue prods and licked into his mouth, I made sure to tangle our tongues together. The act earning pitiful whimpers from the boy in my arms. When Renjun groaned, I take that as a good sign, shivers ran down my spine. Happy that I, out of all people, is the one to pull that sound out of my beloved’s mouth.

I want to hear more of it.

I shifted into Renjun’s lap, my hands finding strands of his hair and grabbed a fistful of them. I gave it an experimental tug and again, smirks in delight, when Renjun inhaled sharply followed by a gasp. My lips move in increasing fervor. Nipping on the delicious taste of Renjun’s puckered lips, losing myself with the senses and unconsciously pulled on his hair one more time.

The kiss is searing, growing intense as seconds passed by. I felt my whole body tingle in warmth, growing fire deep within. I reached under Renjun’s shirt, my cold hands meeting his warm skin. I run my palms over his flat tummy, all while I straddle on his lap.

We part for air. My eyes automatically traced over Renjun’s features. The rumpled hair, the way his chest heaves in up and down intakes of air, and the slicked red lips. ‘ _Gorgeous.’_ I thought to myself.

My hand that was under his shirt trails down and down until it reached the top of Renjun’s left leg. I started to play with the cloth of his pants. Renjun had his forehead wrinkled and cute tiny squeaks leaving his mouth without his knowing. I watched in interest when my own fingers playfully crawl on Renjun’s thighs, burying my fingers on his skin from below the cloth. I did not miss the pent up boner growing harder second by second inside Renjun’s pants.

I beam in delight, eyes glittery in happiness knowing Renjun is hard because of _me_. This is as much fun as imagining a future with him. I bit my lip as his bulge grew bigger with my fingers massaging his legs. In a matter of seconds, my hands are dangerously close to his crotch. I smirk when Renjun whimpered in his drunken state.

And it seemed like, that was the last straw for me either. Muttering a small “Fuck,” I didn’t realize my breathing grew heavier in between the teasing, and my legs were slightly shaking from my position. Still, I made sure our bodies were touching when I pressed my lips into Renjun’s, sharing another deep passionate kiss. I kissed him lustfully, this time without holding back. My hands wandering around his body in agitation.

“I love you, hyung. I love you so much,” I say in between our kisses.

“J-J-” I did not let him finish whatever trash of a name that is about to roll off his tongue. Instead, I push my mouth deeper into his, making his breathing even heavier.

Renjun only had time to catch his breath when I pulled away, a muffled whimper came out of my mouth at the lack of warmth from Renjun’s body heat. Standing in front of him, I tried to imagine his eyes opened, raking over the sight of my body and curves while I strip myself. Under the tight boxers I had is my growing erection for the boy in front of me.

I walk over to my cabinet to grab the strawberry flavored lube I always fantasized Renjun using against me. Now the time has come to finally put said liquid in action. I smirk, not bothering to hide my excitement as I trudge back to Renjun’s bed.

With a lick on my lips, I sat on Renjun’s lap, facing him with my arms around his neck. I kissed him sloppily, my tongue swirling on the warm cavern of Renjun’s mouth, tasting the lingering taste of alcohol under his tongue. Without pulling away, I unbuttoned Renjun’s top, revealing the flawless creamy white skin under the fabric.

“Jaemin, Jeno... aahh...”

“Ssshh. I’ll make you feel so good, I promise.” I peppered his neck with kisses, licking on the sweat and biting onto the sensitive skin.

“Aahhh... Jaemin.” Renjun’s hands moved on its own, earning a surprised yelp from me when he cupped my ass from below.

“Fuck.”

By the next couple of minutes, both of us were naked, clothes all over the cold hard floor. My already erect dick rubbing on Renjun’s legs. The same legs I was touching earlier. Craving for friction, _anything_ for a release.

I first started with the humping. Jumping up and down to achieve any contact. Renjun’s hard dick doesn’t help either, if anything it only turns me on.

I reached for the bottle of lube beside our body. Once I got a hold of it, I smeared the pink and cold liquid on Renjun’s member, coating it. As much as I want to lick the tip of that cock and give Renjun the perfect head I’ve been practicing nowadays, I couldn’t. Maybe I’d wait for it when Renjun is awake. So he could properly tell me if I did a great job or not, the aspects I needed to work on, and practice more with random filthy guys in the university.

Of course, I didn’t have to stretch myself. Remembering how I fingered myself in this same bed when Renjun was out for his job this afternoon. Besides, I can take any pain Renjun gave me. That’s just how much I love him.

Slowly, I slid myself raw and rough in his dick. “Shit.” I closed my eyes, tears threatening to fall with the feeling. It’s a combination of both pleasure, pain, and delight. The first batch of tears flowing freely on my cheeks as soon as the head of Renjun’s dick fills my tight walls.

“Ahhh, Renjun,” I moaned in ecstasy, eyes almost rolling from behind with the unexplainable pleasure.

Somehow, Renjun grunts in response, mouth hanging open without my lips to mold against it. His face scrunched in pleasure, and his nails on my ass digging deeper.

I suck in his whole length into my ass. “Ah! Ah! Ohh.” A moaning mess I am with my arms wrapped around Renjun’s neck while my head rests on his shoulders. “R-Renjun,” I pants.

Renjun, somehow, ended up meeting the same pace of my thrusts. A twisted smile slowly drew its way up to my lips while I mewled Renjun’s name over and over again like a mantra, our hips rutting against each other followed by the creaking of the bed. But I couldn’t care less. Let the world knew I am being fucked by Huang Renjun.

“Oh, Renjun...Renjun! So good!” Maybe I am losing the remaining sanity in my head. Is this what paradise feels like? Riding and bouncing on Renjun’s cock while sharing heated kisses with him? Because it sure feels like it. It felt so amazing that I’m positive I was seeing stars every time I fuck myself in Renjun’s dick.

“Nngghh, Jae...min... ahh. J-Jeno hnnggghh.”

If pretending to be Jaemin or Jeno can set this kind of reaction from Renjun, then I’ll fucking show him one hell of a show.

“Hnnngg, yes R-Renjun hyung. Just like that.” I tried to speak airily, far from my usual full voice. If Renjun wants me to pretend like Jaemin or Jeno, I can give him that.

Maybe I really have a few screws loose in my head. Both my worthless excuse of a mother and father always told me something is wrong with me. But I never believed them. I am _not_ crazy. Just different, but not crazy.

Our moans echoed throughout the four walls of our room. The addicting sounds coming out from Renjun’s lips are like music to my ears. I think I just found my new favorite noise in it along with the sounds of our skin touching and tongues licking each other off.

I grunted, shoving myself in the cock, salivating on the thick feeling of being full.

“Renjun... I’m so close!” I moaned, feeling the impending climax as I buried my nails on Renjun’s pale back. Trembling with every thrust Renjun hits inside me.

“Renjun!” I wailed in his ears when I reached my orgasm first, cumming all over Renjun’s stomach. Shooting strings of cum everywhere, the semen dirtily dripping on Renjun’s crotch.

Then just a second after, Renjun joined me and came inside me. Planting his seed inside my ass. I smiled and sighed in satisfaction, eyes hazy as I buried my face on Renjun’s hickey-filled neck. I rode his orgasm for a few seconds until I pulled myself out of the Renjun’s member with a satisfied glint on my eyes.

I fixed his position first, laying his full body on the bed despite my aching muscles and shaking thighs. Once I’m done, a gallop of cum slid over my thighs. Right then and there, I collapsed beside Renjun. Too much happiness from both physically and mentally filling in every nerve and muscle of my body. It took me a few minutes, just lying there, staring at the white ceiling with a faraway look in my eyes. And maybe I am in a faraway land. Too drunk in pleasure of what Renjun’s cock gave me. My senses left in the paradise I just indulge myself in.

Once I regained a bit ounce of energy, my hand reached out to the comforter at the bottom of Renjun’s bed, my ass too sore to sit up. I threw the covers between our naked bodies, extremely worn for a cleanup.

The bed is small so it’s no surprise I am almost at the edge of the bunk. But I couldn’t care less. I turned my body so I was facing Renjun. He’s peacefully sleeping. Like he hadn’t just fucked me of my sanity a few minutes ago.

I continuously stare at him, for a good few minutes maybe? I can’t really bother so much with the time. With my fingers tapping on the mattress, I could only think of one thing.

This is the happiest day of my life.


	20. Chapter 19

_**Renjun’s** _

I woke up with a massive headache, seems like a thing for me since I started college. And just the same, I refused to open my eyes. The short second I did, the brightness of the room hurt my eyes. Even the pure color white of the ceiling made me want to close my eyelids again. I groaned. This sucks.

“Wake up, sleepyhead.” There’s a cold object pressed against my cheek.

Am I dreaming? I swear I’ve witnessed this scenario before. Slowly opening my eyes, Yangyang’s smiling face greeted me.

“Good morning!” Yangyang said all too happily. “You okay? Here, why don’t you get up and take this medicine and drink some water hmm? You must’ve felt awful.”

Without saying anything, I carefully stretched my limbs and sat up from the bed. And damn, did my head hurts so bad. Just how much did I drink last night? I’m not really much of a drinker but to have this kind of headache where a slight movement feels like a hammer was knocking my head, it must have been a lot. A groan of appreciation is the only thing that left my lips when I received a couple of pills and the bottled water from Yangyang.

I remained seated on my bed, fingers running through my locks once I placed the half-empty bottle at the top drawer. While I’m at it, I pushed myself to remember every bit of happening last night.

So I remember filling in my shift at the bookstore, then Joy noona invited me over in her apartment. Where I drank a couple of bottles of soju with her boyfriend and friends. And that’s it. It’s all I remember.

But scanning the room I’m in, and given Yangyang is here, it means Joy noona somehow brought me in the dorms. _‘I’d have to send her a message later,’_ I mentally noted. Sighing heavily, my eyes landed on Yangyang who has not moved from his standing position since a while ago. His unblinking eyes are trained on me.

“Uh... thanks. For the medicine,” I groggily spoke.

Yangyang grinned. “Are you feeling okay now? Can you eat? Though it’s already late and I’ve bought this soup a couple of hours ago.” Yangyang pouted as if he was in deep thinking. “Ah, I know! I’ll just buy you another one to make sure it’s hot and it will help you with your hangover. Lemme just make a call for a sec.”

I pulled the hem of Yangyang’s shirt before he could even pick up his new phone. “No! I’ll eat it. It’s okay.”

Yangyang frowned. “Are you sure?”

I nodded.

“Okay!” With a happy hum, Yangyang brings me a bowl of an already cold _haejang-guk_. Nonetheless, it’s enough for my empty stomach.

Once I finished, there was only one thing that bothers me. Actually, it is two. One is Yangyang’s unfaltering gaze that has never once left me. To be honest, I felt like a painting under the criticizing eyes of my roommate right now. Not to mention they're too intense I need to cough and look away to hopefully send a hint that I am far beyond comfortable at the moment. Yangyang doesn’t seem to get the message though.

And the last one is... _‘What was this sticky feeling on my chest? And god, why do I feel cold down_ _ **there**_ _?’_ Subtly, I look under the covers that hide my bottom half. My eyes bulging wide when I realized I am naked. Like _totally naked_.

A word was at the tip of my tongue and is about to slip out of my mouth when Yangyang straddled himself on my lap, attacking my lips for a sudden kiss.

I groaned, ready to push him away with my hands when Yangyang caught them. And god, since when did Yangyang became this strong? I could not move my hands nor even squirm as his weight press on me. Rendering me still within his hungry kiss.

With his tongue poking in my lower lip, slightly biting the flesh with his teeth, it took all of me to push him away. Palms quickly covering my mouth when I threw a glare at my roommate.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” I raised my voice.

A flash of confusion struck Yangyang’s face, like he was the one at lost despite being the one to initiate a kiss with me.

“Kissing you a good morning, of course.”

There’s a threatening bile stuck in my throat at how disturbing Yangyang’s tone is when he answered my question.

“Well, I didn’t give you any permission to,” I emphasize.

“Oh. I... I am sorry. I didn’t realize I need to ask permission for my boyfriend first before I kissed him” Yangyang smiled before nodding in understanding. “Okay. I’ll keep that in mind for next time.”

However, I for once, am completely lost and is _far_ from understanding all of these.

“Boyfriend? Yangyang, did you drink? I’m not your boyfriend!”

“Now Renjun, don’t be like that. You’re _hurting_ my feelings.” And for a second, Yangyang looked seriously hurt when he said that.

‘ _God, I can’t believe this.’_ “I am not your boyfriend!” I repeated. I may be drunk but my memory is still very much intact, thank you.

“Yes, I am! How could you say that after making love to me last night? _You said you love me._ You whispered it in my ears! Have you forgotten?”

I looked for any trace of lies that could be found in Yangyang’s eyes, even keeping my mouth shut for a minute to see if he would laugh and say it’s a prank. That none of what he said was true. But a part of my mind, that very quiet yet always right voice inside my head, says Yangyang might be telling the truth. It all makes sense, somehow.

Yangyang smiled, eyes shining in pure adoration as he caresses my cheeks with his thumb. “I understand. You’re shocked. But it happened, Renjun. And I love you too. You’re mine now, as much as I’m yours. Okay?”

That moment, I desperately hope everything was just a part of a long nightmare.

***

Just when I thought things are finally starting to get better, everything fell apart. Everything in my life is so uncertain right now and I have no one to blame but myself. Because who else? It is my fault for falling in love with my two best friends who are in a relationship with each other. It is my decision to not sort things out with Donghyuck earlier before everything just exploded. It is my heedless action that brought me to this uncomfortable situation I have with my roommate.

At this point, I felt like everyone hated me, a feeling I never want to put myself in. Because it’s lonely, and sad, and it makes me wanna disappear from the pits of the Earth.

Three days, four days now if I made through it, that I’ve been avoiding everyone. I skip lunch, hanging out at the library more than usual, and making sure never to leave until class hours were finished. I stopped spending too much time wandering at the hallways. Though my friends rarely go by my department, I did not wanna take chances. And lately, I find it hard to face Yangyang too. Simply for a reason that I do not know how to.

So I go home later than the usual. I’m quite fortunate Joy noona is understanding enough to offer me company even after work hours.

No one in my friend group bothered to contact me, so I take it as a sign that they all probably do not want to see me. Especially Jeno and Jaemin. The only remaining two who still send messages to our group chat is Jisung and Chenle. But with everyone giving bland response, there’s just really nothing to talk about.

Yangyang, on the other hand, is persistent. I’d have to turn off my phone just to ignore his god-knows-how-many calls in a day. I’m surprised he hasn’t come to the bookstore yet. Though I did see him waiting the previous day outside the lecture hall. Good thing his attention was on his phone, it gave me the opportunity to run away like a chicken that I am.

Today is a different story. I just got out of my classroom after making sure the corridors are clear. It was my last class of the day and I have at least one and a half hour before my shift at work. Yangyang made sure to caught me out of surprise by suddenly popping in front of my sight. Lips flashing a wide grin as if it is not obvious I’ve been avoiding him for the past days. He handed me a cup of milk tea.

“Chocolate flavor, your favorite!”

“Uh... thanks,” I awkwardly received the milk tea from his hand. “What are you doing here?” I avoided his gaze.

“Well, we haven’t been seeing each other in a while. I almost forgot how you look, Renjun! Guess our schedules don’t just match up nowadays,” he pouts.

“Right. How do you know I have this class today?” I’m curious. As far as I know, I haven’t spoken about this class and my room assignments.

“Oh. I uh, asked around.”

“I see.” I feel so awkward that even my favorite milk tea is not enough to calm my nerves. We began walking in the halls, without exact direction. My brain is empty to come up with even a single word to Yangyang. The night shared between us obviously changes everything.

“Renjun, are you avoiding me?”

I coughed. “What?! No, no! _Nooo_.” I obviously lied.

“Good!” he chirped. Suddenly, he slid his arms into mine, pulling me intimately closer in his body. “I just miss you, Renjun.”

Sneakily, I released my arms off Yangyang’s and hurried my pace. Still he followed like a good puppy until the exit. Whenever he got the chance, he would pull me back, wrapping his arms around my waist or clinging to my arms tighter than the previous one. I actually do not want to admit it but it made me feel uncomfortable.

“Okay Yangyang, um, I think we need to talk...” I faced him.

“What is it, hyung?” Yangyang looked expectantly.

Maybe there’s really no good in avoiding Yangyang. Our relationship might have had a scratch now with me crossing the line between us. But I am also not the person who wants to give false hope to people. Not only am I lying to them but I will also be lying to myself. So I gotta draw a clearer line this time, a thick and unbreakable one, just in case I make another mistake. For both of our sakes.

“I’m so sorry, for what happened. For what I _did_ to you when I was drunk. I’ll understand if you get mad at me or if you feel like I completely use you. I’m such an asshole, aren’t I? So I’d like to end this now because I can’t be more of an asshole anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“Yang, it’s a mis...”

My eyes caught sight of a familiar figure. I tried to blink once, twice, thrice. Am I mistaken? No. That’s him. At the parking lot, what a coincidence. Not too far away from us.

Like all my thoughts were thrown in the air, I felt nothing but fear. And all I could ever hear is the warning in my mind. My impulse to run away before he turns his head around and sees me.

***

_**Yangyang’s** _

Renjun and I were talking until he surprisingly held onto me. And as much as I love feeling my beloved’s warmth, his shaking body and quivering pupils told a different story. It disturbs me.

“Renjun-”

Hardly pulling me in behind the nearest post, Renjun’s body trapped mine as he cautiously looks around from time to time.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“It’s him.”

“Who?”

“ _Him._ The one who tried to harass me in the nightclub on the night of my birthday!” Renjun’s voice was full of anger but I also noticed something else. The way it came out unsteadily than he naturally intended to. And the lace of fear hiding beneath the strong facade.

God, I always love his voice. This is no different. What is so wrong about this situation, however, was the fact I am not the one to spark off this kind of voice and reaction from Huang Renjun.

A sting of envy struck my heart.

And jealousy. And a _lot_ of hatred.

Subtly, I tried to look at where Renjun was looking at (I’ll add that to my list of why I should hate whoever this person is, Renjun should only be looking at _me_ ). My sight landed on a burly man wearing a cap and a thick jacket, smiling at a female who appears to be at the same age as us. With her bag and I.D lace, I figured this one is going to the same university.

I got a clearer view of his face when he accidentally glanced our way. Renjun is quick to hide his face behind the post while my eyes met with the man. That’s before he looked away, completely unsuspicious.

‘ _So that’s him.’_

One look and I already knew what kind of man the owner of those eyes is. It’s easy to tell. People like him are very easy to read.

‘ _Just as how easy to break them apart.’_

“Don’t worry Renjun, he’s gone. He won’t bother you again, trust me. I’m here, remember?” I smile, pulling a shivering Renjun into a hug. An unspoken promise lingering at the tip of my tongue.

***

There are a lot of reasons I despised going to a nightclub. Noise, for example, is one of them. And god the smell of this place in general, I _hate_ it.

But here I am, drinking a glass of martini, sitting alone beside the counter. Making sure not to miss anyone passing by and entering this filthy of a place. My patience was tested into its limit when an hour later, I haven’t seen anything satisfactory yet. More like the person who is the sole reason why I came here hasn’t arrived _yet_.

I glance at my watch, did I read it wrong? Are my calculations not right? It’s Friday evening and usually, at this hour, people like him should’ve been in here already. Unless he wants all the good ones to be taken away. If he’s a regular here, he should be arriving now.

Another half-hour before he finally came, stepping foot inside the metallic door with an unsurprising smug look in his ugly face. His dry and dark lips curled in a cocky smirk while he pollutes the air with the smoke of his tobacco. Judging his red face under the neon lights, I have an assumption he might have had a drink before coming here.

I crossed my leg, made sure to reveal my shoulder blades under the piece of sexy clothing I wore for tonight. Then there're his eyes, looking a tad longer than the average. So under the glass of martini, I secretly smirk.

‘ _Way too easy.’_

A cinnamon-flavored lip balm is what I put on my lips before I hit the dance floor. I am not much of a dancer but I do know a few moves on how to make a guy lose their mind. As expected, a lot of the males tried to hit on with me. Unfortunately, I have someone _special_ in mind.

I made eye contact with him from where he was standing amidst the fully packed crowd. A hand in his pocket while he drinks a glass of alcohol. What an awful sight. Still, I did a bold move by biting my lip and throwing a wink on his direction while swaying my hips along with the sensual music.

When he made his way over, I had to stop myself from chuckling. Fools like him surely share the same brain cells.

“You nasty little slut,” he growled behind me, hands wrapping around my waist while he grinds on my back.

“What do you mean, Mister?” I feigned innocence.

“D’ya think I won’t notice? The sultry look, the lip-bite, the wink. You’re just asking for it, aren’t you?”

I faced him, biting my glossy lip with a smile. I hang my hands around his neck and pushed my body close to his, humping him. “I don’t know Mister, am I?”

That seemed to be the last stroke. As not a minute later, he hurriedly pulls me away from the crowd, pushing me at the nearest booth. Next thing I know he was on top of me, devouring my lips in a hungry kiss. I have no time to breathe as he kisses like an animal, and boy was it disgusting. I tried to kiss him with the same enthusiasm but he is just the worst kisser I’ve ever known.

‘ _Fucking dog.’_

I faked a moan when his lips attacked my neck. My hands groping a few strands of his hair. “See, why don’t we take this somewhere?” I pushed him out of me, but not without brushing off a string of saliva on his mouth with my finger and sucking it after. “I know a place.”

“It better be near, babydoll. You know I can’t wait.”

I cooed, cupping his face with the sweetest smile. “Oh, I can’t wait either, Mister.”

***

As promised, I did not make him wait. We arrived at the nearest place which happened to be a cheap rundown motel. One view outside and you’ll know the kind of people that checks in. Nothing but wanted criminals, probably drug addicts. Worst, two secret lovers who crave for sex behind their partner’s back. No CCTV, no guards. Just what I like.

“See why don’t you go in ahead, Mister? I’ll just park my car somewhere. I’ll follow in 10.”

There’s a sharp set of fingernails scathing my wrist. “You’re not backing out now, are you?”

I flashed him a smile before I removed his hand on my skin. “How distrustful. I am not giving you a pass tonight, Mister. You know I can’t let this chance to have _this_ go.” Brushing my hand on his hard-on, I even lean over to lick a stripe on his neck. “Be ready. I’ll take you to heaven.” _Or hell._

Reluctantly, he enters the worn-out building first to book us a room. While I, well, I made sure to park my car before following. But not without taking a special satchel I bring over at the back of my car.

“Hi. Reservations for a Na Jaemin.”

The clerk at the desk checked his old logbook before turning back to me, “Here’s your key. Room 23.”

“Thanks.”

I climb up the stairs to their second floor. Seriously, they don’t even have a working elevator.

True to his words, this sad excuse of a human being is waiting for me at the top of the stairs on the second floor. He wears a frown and his toes were tapping the dusty floor, a clear sign of impatience.

“Thank god you’re here. I thought you already ditch me.”

I pushed back the key to my room in my pocket before I slung an arm around him. “Don’t be like that, I’m here now. So, where do we stay?”

He leads me towards the third room. And as soon as we opened the door, he didn’t bother to give me enough moment to breathe when he immediately pulls me for a heated kiss. I dropped my bag before I was shoved down the mattress, he tears my jacket off of my body.

“Wait, wait, wait...”

“What is it this time?” he angrily responds.

“Why don’t we spice up things a little bit?”

“Hell, I have no time for foreplay. I want to fuck you. _Now._ ”

I blocked his mouth before he could even leave another nasty kiss on me. “Look, it’ll be fun. Plus, I make sure that tonight will be a very special night for you, _master_.” I bit his earlobe. “I’ll treat you well, I promise.”

Those are only one of the promises I whisper in his ears, with my most alluring voice. As I made sure it will leave no room for rejection. My hands were quick to push him off the bed as I went on top of him this time, unbuckling his belt with my fingertips.

“I even brought some toys, master. I’ll take you to heaven tonight, I swear.”

“You better made sure, bitch. This dick is wanted by many, you’re lucky I spare you some time tonight.”

I grin, opening up my forgotten suitcase on the floor. Oh, just the sight of my collection is enough to make my heart jump in delight. Of course, not as close as to the sight of Renjun. But still, near enough.

‘ _So many options. What should I use?’_

The metals are glinting under the reflection of the motel’s light bulb. Everything is too silvery _clean_ I felt sorry to use them in such worthless and disgusting fag like the man currently handcuffed in my bed. Poor thing really thinks I’m up to BDSM or some shit like that.

I picked one of my sharpest scalpels, along with the other mechanical cutters. Of course, just as I said, I am so going to have that man’s grotty dick tonight.


	21. Chapter 20: Let’s Kill And Then Kiss After Because That’s How I Like It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little graphic description of murder and mutilation ahead. It might not be up to your tastes so I suggest you skip that part if you think you wouldn't like it. I'm telling you people murder is not good and no one deserves to be killed in such an inhumane way, okay? If you're a little fucked up in the head, go seek a psychiatrist and don't go around for a killing spree just sayin'. 
> 
> Anyway, sorry for the errors. This chapter was supposed to be posted last night along with Chapter 19 but my internet is shitty so I failed to post this until tonight. I hope you still like this somehow. Thank you for reading :) 
> 
> \- sungchan
> 
> P.S: There will be a usage of drugs in this chapter, though it's only for a split second. But still, Imma say this just in case. I am no professional in this kind of thing so expect me to make mistakes regarding such topics, I did not mean for it to happen.

_**Yangyang’s** _

“What are you doing?” I heard the filthy man ask as I put on my medical gloves, stretching the latex material in my skin.

I didn’t bother to respond, enjoying the feeling of my warmth covered hands. I went back to my tools, picking a metallic ruler before carefully dipping on the bed. Smiling at the helpless man tied on the bedpost.

“Are we doing a roleplay now? Man, I sure am lucky tonight. I always knew innocent faces got the dirtiest mind. So, what are we playing?”

I climbed on top of him, fully unbuttoning his polo shirt until his filthy hairy chest were on full display. Afterward, I made sure to completely remove his jeans and boxers, his dick springing alive under the fabrics.

“Let’s say I’m the doctor, and you’re my patient.” He shivered once I give his chest a slide of my fingertip down to his crotch, where I held his tiny little dick with my palms.

“Babe, I wanna feel the heat of your hands. Can you please remove the gloves now?” he demanded.

“Uh-uh, not yet Mister.” I picked my metallic ruler, measuring the size of his penis.

Man sure has the guts to act all cocky when he’s not even five inches long. _‘Oh, anyway... where should I start?’_ I thought, fingers tapping on this man’s thigh.

“Ugh come on, bitch. I’m having blue balls here, I swear to god if you don’t move right now-”

“Ssshh! _Silence._ Can’t you see I’m thinking?” I glared.

In the end, I figured it’s better to drug him first, rendered him paralyzed. So I brought up a syringe that already contains narcotics, smiling at the massive fluid inside.

“Tilt your head a little for me, please?” I requested.

“What?”

“Tilt your head.”

“What was that on your hand?!”

I heavily sighed. “It’s a syringe. Now, can you please tilt your head now? I wanna see your neck.”

“Answer my question first, bitch! I said what is-”

I slap him, so hard it almost numb my palm too under the gloves. _“I don’t want to repeat myself.”_

“The fuck are you- Wait! You crazy psycho! Stop!-”

I injected the syringe in his neck. I was really hoping this process will go smoothly as I planned. But now I am not even sure if I injected it straight to his vein. I have no time to look because the pig just won’t stop wriggling under me!

Out of anger, I slap him as soon as I dried my syringe of the drugs. Then another. And another. His cheeks turned red, and with the volume of narcotics now running freely through his system, his power to resist has gone too. The only thing he could do is stare at me with fear while I puff some air out.

“What...did...you...do...to...me...” he asked in a voice so breathless and so weak, I wouldn’t hear it if it wasn’t so silent right now.

I shift on my position, pulling in the satchel filled with my devices on the bed. Once I dumped the syringe, I picked one of my many scissors in different varieties. Starting with the general one.

“Do you prefer it hairy or not?” I asked, testing the sharpness of the object’s blade.

“W-What...”

“Try answering my question with another question one more time, and I swear to Lucifer I’ll shove this scissor down your throat.”

“N-Not...”

The answer made me smile in delight. So holding his now limp and hairy dick in my hand, I trimmed off the pubic hairs surrounding his balls and penis. The man groaned. And maybe if it weren't for the drugs that rendered him paralyzed he would be thrashing by now.

“See, I’m such a kind person, aren’t I? I drugged you first because I know you’ll fight it. And if you fight it, I might lose my control and cut in the wrong way. I’m even nice enough to cut these hairs off for you. Can’t you appreciate me a little here?” I rolled my eyes.

Once his dick is completely hairless, I clapped in satisfaction. “Now, that’s so much better.” I collected the bits of hair that have fallen off the bedsheets. Once I’m done, I placed them in a tissue, folding it gently at the side.

“Okay! Since the dick is somewhat clean now, what’s the next process?” I tapped my chin. “Ah, right. This is where the operation starts. Sorry, I forgot to bring the supplies for your hygiene. So I guess we’re just gonna start from here.”

Despite the drugs, this man is quite a fighter. I see that with how he tried his best to shout despite having no words to come out of his mouth. I noticed his toes trying to curl if only to make a slight movement. Which, of course, he’d fail to.

Humming the song Don’t Go by EXO, it is Renjun’s favorite song (he told me last time), I wiped my scalpel with a tissue.

“Now, shall we see how sharp this one is?” I haven’t used it for a long time, and I’m quite excited to see.

Giggling, I ran the pointed edge of my scalpel to his chest. Like a car with dirty wheels, it leaves traces and evidence of filth to wherever it passes through. In my case, my scalpel cuts through the layers of skin of this ugly hag, creating a vertical line that trails and drips of his crimson blood. The man whimpered. And god, does it excite me.

Once my scalpel reached his navel, I stopped the cut. Instead, I hold the scalpel pointedly at its core before stabbing the inside.

“Auggghhhh...” Were the pervert’s breathless scream for the pain that I caused him.

I pulled the scalpel out, giving the now teary man a few seconds time to breathe. Before I pushed the sharp object in again, at the very same place. The squelching sound of the metal hitting the flesh and overflowing blood pooling at the center is very satisfactory. _I love it. And I want more._

So I did it again. Pulling out, pushing in. A few times, until I get bored. Until the hole became too loose, it didn’t give me _that_ sound anymore.

I moved on to his cock. This time, my sharpest scissor with the longest blade at hand, _my favorite one of all_. I flashed the man a grin before I hold onto the base of his penis.

Then I cut off the organ along with its balls. Quite hardly, I might say. I spent at least a minute or two before it completely falls off. That doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy the shaking and the muffled sobs and the tears coming from the man tied on the bed. Add the warm drops of blood that reached my nose, cheeks, forehead, and eyelashes. Everything feels so good.

I almost forgot how good this feels.

Lifting this man’s now cut-off penis in the air, I asked with mirth. “Wanna know how a four inches dick as yours feels like? Well, _feel it_.”

Picking the same scissor, I used the bloodied object to prep his hole. Scissoring it so it gets loose. I couldn’t help but laugh at the thought. _‘I’m such a genius. See what I did there?’_

Once I felt like he’s loose enough, I plunged his dick in his asshole. That earns me another fit of his cry. The pillow under him is now soaked with this man's tears.

“See, I really didn’t wanna do this.” I started, lazily thrusting the organ in his ass. “But you just mess with the wrong person. You’re stealing his attention from me. And... I _hate_ sharing. I just hate the way he looks at you like you’re someone to be afraid of. And fear is an emotion that can only be triggered by someone who made an impact in his life. _I hate that you did._ ”

I roughly shoved in the penis in his butt, making sure the balls were roughly pressed against the crevices of his butt cheek.

“Oh well, not like you can come without your dick right? Too bad.” I pat his shoulders. “We’re done here. I’ve wasted enough time playing. And I miss my boyfriend.” After a bit of thinking, I decided to wash up first and change my clothes in the room I reserved earlier. Then I’d drop by the nearest coffee shop and buy Renjun his favorite drink. And maybe a donut too. Yeah, seems like a plan. Hopefully, he’s still awake when I return.

So I stood up from the bed, fishing out my hidden knife. And perhaps my grinning face is the last thing this man sees before I slit his throat completely.

Beside tears, his blood now soaked the white pillow sheets. _‘Tsk tsk, poor pillows.’_

_***_

_**Chenle’s** _

It was almost evening and Jisung and I decided to stay in our house for the meantime until before dinner. We were lazily sitting on the couch, Jisung’s attention completely on his phone while I stare at the TV screen. Though the voice of the reporter simply ringing in and out of my ears like background noise. My mind is definitely floating somewhere else.

“ _A man, identified as Kim Gansaeng, 49 years old, was found dead inside a motel room in Maljang, Seoul. Forensics confirmed the cause of death to be a huge amount of blood loss. The victim is found soaking in his own pool of blood, killed in a very gruesome way. The unknown suspect apparently slit the victim’s neck, cutting off his private organ and stuffing them in his behind. The murder is too terrible even his family has no idea of who could possibly be the one responsible for pulling the crime. As for now, the police were currently investigating and questioning the motel staff regarding the possible suspects.”_

“Sung-ah...” I called for Jisung’s attention.

Too busy with the new mobile game on his phone, he barely managed a hum.

“Don’t you notice something’s off with the hyungs?”

He glance at me briefly, before looking back at his phone. “What’cha mean?”

“I mean... our GC's been quiet for like a couple of weeks now. And the last time Donghyuck hyung and Jeno hyung exchanged words in our chat there’s an oozing sarcasm behind their words!”

“Uh, I don’t know?”

For a moment, I seriously contemplated whether to throw my phone at the back of Jisung’s head right now. “Can you stop playing for a second and listen to me?!”

Jisung sighed, turning off his phone before throwing me a glare. “I was about to win it!” he complains.

I rolled my eye. “This is far important, you brat! Seriously, they’re acting weird. Something’s off.”

“Can’t it be that you’re just imagining things?” Jisung responds in a flat tone.

“No. My gut feel was never wrong. Look.” I showed him the conversation in our group chat on my phone. “I sent our picture together this morning. Normally, Donghyuck hyung would complain about how we are disgusting him of our couple selca first thing in the morning. Then Renjun hyung would send a laughing sticker and a lot of ‘kekekeke’ aimed at Donghyuck hyung. Accompanied by a teasing. Donghyuck hyung will tease him back. Then Jeno hyung and Jaemin hyung will be the mediator between the two. Mark hyung will simply be leaving our messages on seen but we all know he’s laughing behind the screen.”

“That was quite a creepy specific description.”

“Shut up! _That_ was the normal process, okay?! But now, look at what Donghyuck hyung said instead.” I scrolled up to where Donghyuck hyung sent his response at 9 a.m.

_**DongYUCK: Did Jisung dye his hair in highlights? Looking good, you two. (followed by a sticker raising an okay sign).** _

_**Nanana: My babies are all grown-up. Nana hyung is proud <3 ** _

_**Nonono: You two focus in class.** _

_**Seen by Mork, Lonjin and 2 others** _

“Renjun hyung did not even respond! At all!” I pointed at the screen as if to prove something. Which, basically, I am.

Jisung had his nose scrunched and lips curled in an awkward smile. “I don’t see anything wrong, hyung. Perhaps Renjun hyung’s in the middle of his class.” He shrugged.

“NO! It’s unacceptable! Plus, Donghyuck hyung is praising us!”

“You mean, praising _me_.” Jisung raises a brow.

“Yeah, which he never did. Ever. Unless he’s not being his usual self.”

“Why’s it so hard to believe that Donghyuck hyung simply likes my highlights?” Jisung groans.

“Because he never admits it, Jisung.” I pat his shoulders in a comforting manner before snatching my phone back.”Anyway, something’s up. They never acknowledged each other. Jaemin, Jeno, and Renjun hyung. If everything’s normal, as I deep down hope to be, Jaemin hyung would’ve been throwing a tantrum right now because Renjun hyung left them on read. Plus, there’s no way Renjun hyung would not react. I messaged him privately that same time. He _did_ respond to me, ya know?”

“What are you suggesting, hyung?”

I sighed. I, for one, don’t know where I’m going with all these theories too. All I know was that there’s a tension going on with these hyungs I can feel it all the way from Seoul. And I am aware they wouldn’t tell me if I simply asked them too because that’s how _uncool_ they are, treating Jisung and I like kids who can’t handle “adult problems”.

But I also cannot let this go on for long. It might not look like it but this is one of the things I secretly fear once they move into Seoul.

It hasn’t been a year yet and our promise to stick together is barely hanging by a thread.

Even though we’re the youngest, I am old enough to grasp the situation and understand that if we don’t fix this right away, that promise hanging on thin line will crash in no time.

***

_**Renjun’s** _

I got off of work in hopes to not see Yangyang in the dorms. After the last time’s incident, surprisingly, it’s hard to get a hold of Yangyang. I did not even know what time he came back last night. Just that this morning, there’s a box of donuts in my bed and an already cold coffee was thrown at the waste bin.

I am not expecting to hear his voice inside our room before I get in. I truly wished he had some night classes to attend tonight.

_“...crazy?! No...! didn’t do it....!”_

Now, I swear it’s never my intention to eavesdrop on people’s conversations. Only I’ve never heard Yangyang sound this furious before. His heavy footsteps reverberate behind the door.

_“Stop it! Not... fucking piece of shit! I... wanna... there!”_

He is shouting in a whisper, I couldn’t quite understand some of his words. _‘What are you doing, Renjun? You’re totally invading someone else’s private conversation now!’_ I scold myself.

Yet, I can’t help it.

_“I don’t wanna go back there! I am not...! I swear to god if you don’t.... tell... dad....! ...innocent...”_

I heard Yangyang cursed before his phone hit the wall. I nearly jumped at the sound. I’ve never heard Yangyang be this mad before...

Tentatively, I entered in. Yangyang looks at me as if he’s seen a ghost. Face pale and eyes stretched wide open. “Renjun! How long you’ve been in there?”

A part of me whispers to lie, so that’s what I did. “Just got in here. Why? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah! Yeah... just I had a phone call with my parents. They’ve been frustrating as usual.” He doesn’t even blink while he said that.

I bob my head, “I see.”

Yangyang nods too. We share an awkward stare for a while, though my roommate’s eyes were as intense as ever, before Yangyang threw himself on me. Jumping me for a kiss.

“Yangyang... wait...”

I landed by my bed, Yangyang’s on top of me. Messing my hair as he captured my lips in a heated kiss. His lips moved needily, harshly tugging my lower lip before nibbling them along with the bits of blood that might have drawn out from his rough kissing. He inhaled sharply, our breaths mixing together before he pushes in for more.

I cannot take this. So accidentally, I pushed Yangyang on the floor. Harder than I intended. He looked at me with eyes filled with surprise, while I stand to catch my breath.

“Don’t... do that again. If you want us to go back to normal, or save what is left of our friendship, don’t do that again.”

I walk out of the door, tears prickling my eyes. _‘God, why am I always crying these past days? I hate it.;_

Seeing the quiet and empty comfort room, I was glad. For as soon as I closed the door I finally broke out into sobs and the never-ending tears that’s been troubling my eyes for days now. I slid down the walls, sitting on the cold tiled floor. I couldn’t do anything but cry on my knees. _I’m scared. And tired._

I felt so alone. Everything is too much. I badly wanna tell Donghyuck or go to Jaemin and Jeno like I always did in the past. But now they’re also one of the reasons why I feel like shit. And that dorm was supposed to be the place where I could properly breathe. Yangyang, I secretly hoped, was supposed to be that person I can go to when everyone turned their backs on me.

Adult life is scary. Lonely. Cold. I’m not sure if I could last anymore.


	22. Chapter 21: Let’s Forget About Our Unrequited Love For The Sake Of Our Friendship

_**Chenle’s** _

“This is a bad idea,” Jisung’s first words as soon as we get off the cab.

I glared at his negativity. “No, it’s not. Can you please try to be positive about this, kid?”

Now it’s Jisung’s turn to glare at me. “You call me a kid when you’re only a year older than me.”

“Shut up. Now come on and let’s surprise our idiots of a hyungs.”

I pulled him with me inside the elegant and huge university where our five hyungs are attending. And yeah, today is Friday and for some reason, our parents agreed to let us skip school for a day to spend the whole weekend here in Seoul. My aunt owns a penthouse in the city, it’s currently vacant as her son migrated to America a month ago and she let us use it for the meantime instead of paying for a hotel. Jisung and I arrived last midnight, my dad driving us personally with a promise that he’ll pick us up too on Sunday afternoon. Of course, no one knows Jisung and I was here. I made it like that. Plus, it’s also not like they were very active to check up on us in the group chat. As I’ve said, lately, those five men never speak unless we’re the first ones to open up a topic or start a discussion in our group.

Now that we’re finally here, I decided to head straight to the registrar's office. This is a huge university and Jisung was looking at it in awe so even if we did try to look for any of them in this place, I don’t think Jisung will be very helpful in this kind of situation.

“Good day, Ma’am!” I greeted from outside the glass pane that separates the admin and the students. “I was looking for a Na Jaemin or Lee Jeno? If I may please know their last class and room this morning? They’re in the...” I told her Jaemin and Jeno’s major. They were both in the same department so I figured it’d be easier to look for them first. Those two can easily point us to the other three. Out of the five of them, Jaemin and Jeno hyung were the ones who actually know _things_ about their friends.

When we successfully got the room number and the floor, I pulled the still in trance Jisung with me. On our way, this boy is mumbling nonsense. How he can’t wait to graduate and attend this university, live in dorms, and eat all the cup noodles he wanted in his life (the same cup noodles he was forbidden to because it’s unhealthy according to his mother).

It’s good timing we decided to come before lunch. When we arrived at Jaemin and Jeno hyung’s building, the students were coming out of their lecture rooms one by one. And it’s easy to spot a pink hair among the mass of brown, black, and blondes.

“Chenle? J-Jisung?! Yah! Jeno! Look!” Jaemin’s voice still sounds familiar in my ears. If I didn’t miss hyung this much, I would totally laugh at his eyes stretched wide like saucers.

“Jaemin hyung! Jeno hyung!” We didn’t waste any second and attacked the two stunned older boys for a hug, we almost hit the floor.

“What the hell, it is you two! What’s going on?! I mean, it’s nice to see you two but...” Jaemin pulled away from me. There’s a small smile and a tinge of happiness that he cannot hide in his eyes. But among others, it was easy to notice the firm frown at the edge of his mouth too and the stern look I could only see in my mother sometimes. “But what are you two doing here in Seoul? _On Friday?_ Don’t you have schools to attend to?”

“Hyung! Can’t you just be happy with our surprise visit? I spent my earnings coming here!” Jisung pouted, obviously lying his way to melt his hyung’s heart and get their sympathy to avoid their scolding.

But it backfires when Jeno hyung says, “And that exactly why this whole surprise visit is questionable. And unacceptable.”

Jisung sheepishly smiles under Jeno hyung’s stares. “Just kidding, hyung. I don’t really save nowadays. And even if I did, I wouldn’t waste it just to go along with Chenle’s ridiculous plans.”

I nearly facepalmed, because _what the hell_? Park Jisung is so gonna bust our plans. So with subtle yet sharp elbowing, I presented him a threatening smile. _‘Shut your mouth in front of the hyungs, Pwark.’_

“What Jisung meant is, yeah... this. This _ridiculous_ plan of visiting our beloved hyungs in surprise. Since none of you two seemed to appreciate it anyway...” I made sure my voice came out a little disappointed and crestfallen.

Seems to work when Jeno hyung and Jaemin hyung shared a look. Jaemin hyung sighed in defeat. “It’s not that, Chenle. We’re really happy you’re here. And we missed you kids, too.”

They enveloped us again for another hug. And though we really did come here to observe what the hell is going on (and to come up with a solution about it), it’s also true that we really did miss the hyungs. High school isn’t so fun anymore without our older friends calling us kid time by time and scolding us from staying up until midnight and coming to class late. No matter how much we hate it before.

After a couple minutes of sentimental hugging, Jaemin and Jeno hyung is back with their stern look. “Now, explain. How the hell did you two get in here?” Jeno hyung lifted an eyebrow, waiting to hear the explanation from me and Jisung.

I sighed, wishing we ate lunch first before coming all the way here from the penthouse.

***

_**Renjun’s** _

I walk out of Mr. Choi’s class, feeling restless than usual. Not because of the workloads that are especially heavy today, in fact, the classes are of help especially to take my mind off of things that truly drains me of my energy.

‘ _I need to buy some coffee after this,’_ I thought to myself, yawning. I can’t remember how much coffee intake I’ve downed since yesterday. I barely slept and spent the whole night in the library. The only thing keeping me awake was the caffeine in my system.

What I didn’t expect though is to hear my name being called by an all-too-familiar high pitched voice of someone I could think of to be the last person I’d see this day.

“Renjun-ge!!!” Chenle runs into me like a bull, and me being my sleep-deprived self with basically no energy at all, almost fell down to the floor at the impact. “Whoa, Renjun-ge! You look like shit.”

“Hey, no cursing, not in front of my face kiddo,” I didn’t forget to reprimand him. “But hello to you too, Chenle, Jisung. What could you two be doing here in Seoul? Aren’t you suppose to be in school right now, eating lunch at the cafeteria?” I flashed a sweet smile though I made sure my voice still had a sharp inflict to let them know I need a good explanation for all of this.

Jisung and Chenle shared a look before they both displayed a nervous smile and awkward laughs. I sighed, raising an eyebrow at Chenle, anticipating for his explanation.

“It’s a surprise, ge. I just missed you all and hoped we could spend the weekend together. Besides, it’s not like we didn’t inform our parents. We did. And they agreed. Plus, we have nothing to do at school anyways.”

I rolled my eyes. “Ugh, you know how high school was. You skip a class for one day and the next time you attend, you’d learn they had a surprise quiz, been paired up into a project, been given a task or assignment, and all that bullshit.”

Jisung snorts. “Geez, that exactly what Donghyuck hyung said. And yet, back on the days, you two were the ones who skip classes often than all of us combined.”

I immediately fell silent at the mention of Donghyuck’s name. Now, if Jisung and Chenle were here, that only means...

“By the way hyung, let’s all go eat lunch together. I’m starving! The other hyungs were here too. It’s been so long since we all last ate together,” Chenle dragged me before I could even say no.

And true to my gut feeling, there they are. The very people I was trying my best to avoid. And judging the uncomfortable look on their faces and the way their eyes automatically look at basically everywhere but me, I can say they too are caught into Jisung and Chenle’s plans. Not given a chance to escape at all.

“Now that we’re all here, yay! I’m so happy, we’re finally complete again! Let’s go eat lunch! Do you guys have any suggestions?” Chenle almost too excitedly said.

To which Jisung responded with a grumble, “Yah, let’s just eat wherever. I’m so hungry I could literally eat anything by now.”

I laughed at Jisung’s statement. Which is a bad move because apparently Donghyuck laughs too and we had a short moment of eye contact to which I immediately break with a clear cough.

“Ah, anywhere is fine. Almost every restaurant here is good. Let’s go,” I said to break the tension in the air.

“Uh yeah, Renjun’s right. Come on, kiddos,” Jaemin tried to smile, but there’s hesitance to it that is very clear to my ears.

I subtly fall on the back, allowing them to go ahead while I followed them behind. To be honest, all of these rings as a red warning in my head. I don’t think it’s a very good idea that we ate lunch together after everything that happened. Anyone who can see us can feel the awkward tension in the air. Jisung and Chenle mainly are the ones initiating the topic, asking us random things about Seoul. I don’t know if they noticed. And even if they did, they didn’t say anything.

It’s not like we can tell them. The smile and the joy in their faces were too pure for us. As their older brother, I don’t think I can put so much weight on their shoulders by telling them our problems.

“Renjun-ge, why are you all out there at the back? Geez, you act like someone else,” Chenle marched a few steps towards me and pulls me on his side. “By the way ge, I’m serious from what I said earlier. You look like you a zombie. Have you slept at all?”

At the corner of my eyes, I feel four more pairs of eyes staring back at me along with Jisung’s and Jaemin’s. I gulp.

“Ah,” I laughed awkwardly, scratching the back of my head with an embarrassed smile. “Is it that obvious? Actually I spend the whole night studying. Maybe that’s why.”

Jisung frowns. “Studying? Hyung, do you take early exams in college? If I know correctly our exams won’t be in like a month. Is it different here?” the younger asked, confused.

“No. It’s the same,” Jeno, surprisingly, responded in a monotone voice. I can still feel his eyes trained onto me.

I quickly laughed, though it sounded forced than I intended to. “Oh, I just wanna study in advance. The Professors are giving us a hard time and might pile us with projects by the exam week so it’s better to be sure.”

Chenle, though hesitant, nods. In a matter of minutes, the topic was changed. I sighed in relief.

We were about to exit the university gates when the top person on my to-avoid list called my name, _‘Oh for Pete’s sake...’_

“Renjun hyung!” Yangyang grabs my hand, holding me from walking away.

All of us halted and stare at the newcomer, Yangyang, whose breathing heavily due to running.

He grins, “Glad I caught you before you left,” he says in between breaths.

“What do you want?”

There’s a frown that flashed his face for a second before he became expressionless. “I just wanna talk, hyung. Can we?”

I swallowed the lump on my throat, eyes looking down on his hand at my wrist. It’s funny. Yangyang’s hold is quite gentle, not really suffocating but why. _Why do I feel suffocated?_ Why are my hairs standing in cold shivers upon his touch? Why do I wanna hide in the corner and run away, anywhere, but from Yangyang?

“Renjun hyung...” Yangyang softly called again.

I snap out of my reverie and looked up. “Huh?”

He smiles. “Can we talk?”

“I uh, actually have to...”

Is it just me but his fingernails were now digging on my skin, and his eyes are void of emotions when he said, “Let’s talk.”

I look back at the others, who silently watched us. Yangyang does not bother to introduce himself, nor spare them a glance. His piercing gaze was solely on me. Like I am all that he sees. It's a little frightening.

“Okay,” I weakly answered.

“You guys don’t mind waiting for a while? It won’t take long.”

“Sure, ge. Take your time.”

To be honest, I truly want them to wait. I wanna make it clear to Yangyang that this talk should not be longer than normal.

Yangyang peeks behind me. Before he could examine my friends any longer, I already pulled him away. Maybe a little too hard than I intend to because he released a small whimper. Still, I could not bother to ask him if it’s okay or to apologize at my reckless actions.

Something tells me he might take it the wrong way if I did.

***

_**Chenle’s** _

“Who was that?” I couldn’t help but ask as soon as Renjun gege and this new boy were out of hearing. Jaemin hyung and Jeno hyung were sharing a look, while Donghyuck hyung and Mark hyung glanced away. I had no idea what’s going on in their minds.

“That’s Yangyang, Renjun’s roommate,” Jaemin hyung shortly replied. At the coldness in his usually bright and cheery voice, I had a doubt. But I did not mention it, nor dare to question what was it about. Knowing fully well I would not get an answer even if I tried.

“I wonder what they’re gonna talk about,” I spoke louder than intended.

“Heh, maybe Renjun hyung took something that is his roommate’s. And his roommate was about to confront him right now,” Jisung answered in amusement on the side.

I raised a brow at him, “Seriously?”

“What? It’s the common argument of every roommate buddies. They take each other's things without permission. Didn’t know Renjun hyung was that kind of guy though,” Jisung replied in defense.

“Can’t you think wiser than that, Park Jisung?”

“Yah, didn’t you noticed Renjun hyung’s face? And that Yangyang hyung’s face? Renjun has this expression like he was a deer caught in the highlights. It’s like he’s seen a ghost. As for his roommate, he looks pretty serious. Kinda scary if you asked me.”

Wow, didn’t know Park Jisung also has this ability to observe people’s faces on his own. Anyway, I followed Renjun ge and his roommate’s direction, where they are currently talking behind a pillar. I couldn’t see clearly except for Renjun ge’s back and his roommate’s hair. Is it that serious? I wonder.

When I look back, not only I am looking in the same way. The other hyungs are too. Especially Jaemin and Jeno hyung. They had this concerned look on their faces that only shows every time Renjun ge is in trouble. Again, I raised a brow and suspicion at that. What _is_ going on?

When Renjun ge came back, thanks to Jisung here, my eyes linger a lot longer to observe and study his face. He wore a smile, but it’s the dullest one I’ve ever seen him with. His eyes speak uneasiness and he still cannot make eye contact with the other hyungs. Even Donghyuck hyung is only talking to us and Mark hyung but not to Jaemin and Jeno hyung. Jaemin and Jeno hyung appeared to do the same, only talking to us and each other.

‘ _Just what the hell is going on?’_

We walk as a group the whole time, but even the all-too-clueless Jisung can feel the wall that separates us from each other. Unfortunately, Jisung and I were stuck in the middle.

***

_**Renjun’s** _

“What is it you wanna talk about?” I directly ask him once we’re alone.

Yangyang pursed his lips as if rethinking whether it is fine to speak out his question or not. His gaze was lowered, bangs covering his eyes. I waited for a few seconds before he finally finds his voice.

“Renjun, I love you.”

O...kay. Not what I wanted to hear. _‘Back the fuck out, Renjun! Back the fuck out!’_ my mind screams.

But before I could even squirm my way out of this conversation, Yangyang already held onto me. His eyes pleading and glassy and even though Yangyang and I weren’t on best terms nowadays, I still felt a pang of guilt in my heart upon being the possible reason behind those tears.

“Please don’t go. Hear me out,” Yangyang pleads. “I’m sorry. For reading all your actions wrong and giving meaning to everything. That night was the happiest of my life when you made love to me. You whispered you love me so I thought... I thought you mean it.”

“Yangyang, I’m sorry...” _‘God what have I done?’_

Yangyang only smiled sadly. “No, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I’ve been pushing and scaring you away with my reckless actions. I love you. So much. So I don’t want you to hate me. And if you don’t love me. It’s okay. I’d understand. Let’s just be friends, the way we were once.”

For a moment, I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say. What do you say to someone who confessed his feelings to you and finally letting you go because you can’t reciprocate their love? I really have no idea and I wish I knew how to handle things better. I wished things didn’t escalate like this. I could’ve been fine hurting all by myself. But now, I also dragged Yangyang into the painful game of love and rejection.

“I’m sorry...”

Yangyang shakes his head, a small smile lingering on his lips when he raised a hand and brushed a strand of my hair out of my forehead. “You know I’ll never blame you, right? It’s not your fault you like other people.”

My eyes widened. “How did you-”

He scoffs. “Oh please, of course, I’d know. You’re my roommate.”

I sighed in defeat. “Well, guess there’s no point in denying it anyway. Since they already knew too. I’m just really sorry to break your hurt like this, Yangyang. Please know that I truly did not mean to lead you on, if I ever did.”

“It’s okay. I told you I don’t blame you. Maybe if you had met me first you’d like me too. Maybe if they’re gone you’d love me. _Maybe._ ” Yangyang was lost in thought for a while, eyes wandering far and vacant. Before he cut off from his own reverie and offered me a genuine smile. “Anyway, sleep at the dorm tonight. Don’t avoid me any more, Renjun. I promise I’ll be okay. _We’ll be okay._ ”

The promise sounded so certain coming out from Yangyang’s mouth. And I don’t think I could risk a sprained neck by spending another night at the library again later. So I nodded. And Yangyang seems so delightful at that.

“I’ll see you later then,” I said before going off, ready to face another set of people I badly want to avoid.

Yangyang nodded and waved goodbye. I run towards the others and together, we walk to the nearest restaurant we could find.

Things between Yangyang and I were settled. Hopefully, for the better. I still feel sorry, and there is still a nagging feeling inside me that says I should still keep a distance from the younger. I don’t know if you could actually do that if you’re roommates with each other.

In the meantime, a chunk of weight on my chest evaporates. Leaving just another heavy feeling that concerns my friends. I wonder if things will get better.

I hope to fix things with them. Just like Yangyang, I think I’d be able to give up my own feelings too if it means preserving our friendship.

It’s time for me to do that anyway.


	23. Chapter 22: Let’s Bond Together Like Old Times

_**Renjun’s** _

I’ve experienced spending time with people I am not very comfortable with. Been through enough fake smiles and laughter, feigning curiosity to the shallow topics they’ll open up for an hour discussion. It’s uncomfortable. But I managed. However, spending time with the people you’re basically close but is currently not on good terms with is a whole other thing. It’s worst than the former.

Because as I sit and listen to Chenle’s story about how Jisung spilled a carton of milk on his uniform last week, I find myself sweating. Eyes not-so-subtly avoiding contact with the other four except for the two youngest. The tension in the air is so thick I can feel it no matter how tasty the food is in front of me. And it’s barely even 20 minutes since we all sat on this table.

“Oops, I forgot to get the straws. Jaemin hyung, will you get it, please?” Chenle requested.

I quickly took that opportunity to breathe away from this table.

“I’ll do it!”

“I’ll do it!”

Apparently, Donghyuck and I are really best friends for a reason. We share the same brain cells.

“Okay, Renjun will take it,” Donghyuck quickly said, clearly trying to save the situation.

“No, it’s okay. You can take it,” I said instead.

“I’ll get it.” In the end, it was Mark hyung who stands up from his seat to do the task.

If anyone heard me releasing a heavy breath in relief, I did not notice.

“What about you hyungs? What have you been up to lately?” Chenle began questioning. And from the way he squints his eyes when he scanned us five, I can tell he already suspects something.

Jaemin is the one who volunteered to answer, clearing his throat. “It’s okay, Lele. Living here in Seoul isn’t so bad. Our apartment is comfy and unlike in the province, in here you can go out in the middle of the night and still find an open store.”

“Yeah, Jaemin and I often sneak out to buy some ice cream at this 24/7 convenience store near,” Jeno added.

“Man, I really can’t wait to leave for college,” Jisung groaned.

“Heh, yeah. See if you can handle your classes then especially if you’re Professor is a devil incarnate,” Donghyuck laughs.

“Is it that bad?” Chenle inquired.

“Not really if you like your major. Hyuck, seriously, stop scaring off the kids. Jisung might ditch going to college if you keep on saying that,” Mark hyung reprimands.

“Yeah, as if auntie and uncle would let him,” was Donghyuck’s sarcastic response.

“How about you, Renjun ge? Seemed like college also changed you, huh? You have friends now other than Donghyuck hyung,” Chenle, unfortunately, decided to put the spotlight on me by asking that question.

“Oh, I don’t really have a lot of friends. Just college requires you to know a lot of people. Since different lectures also meant different classmates,” I answered sheepishly.

“What about your roommate? Yangyang? Was that his real name?”

I nod. “Yeah.”

“You two seemed close ge. Maybe you should’ve invited him so you could introduce us.” Jisung made an agreeing sound beside Chenle.

“Oh.” I suddenly feel cold. “He’s... busy. He’s a medical student so he spends a lot of time in the laboratories than us, average ones.”

After a bit of thinking, Chenle only shrugged and dropped the topic. Which makes me sigh in relief.

However, what I thought was a one-time thing is immediately crashed when Chenle and Jisung dropped another bomb by the time we were about to leave the restaurant.

“By the way hyungs, since tomorrow is Saturday and we’ll be leaving Sunday, Jisung and I are inviting you to my aunt’s penthouse. Don’t worry! It’s just us seven. We could spend the whole day and overnight in there like old times.”

An excuse was just a second away from leaving my mouth, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who had one, when Jisung added, “No excuses. It’s weekend. I’m sure you don’t have any plans anyway.”

“I have a work,” I answered nonchalantly.

“Perfect! Then I’ll send you the address and come after your shift,” Chenle threw me a smile as if challenging me to say another excuse. I shut my mouth after because that kid is a brat and I know I’ve got nothing against him even if I am basically older than him.

When Chenle wants something, he’d get it.

Maybe that’s why despite the circumstances, we involuntarily agreed to meet up tomorrow and have an overnight in Chenle’s aunt’s penthouse. It’s just like what I’ve always wanted. To spend another one of those times with my friends playing cards, telling stories, binge-watching on Netflix. It’s been months since we last did those things.

And a lot has changed.

If it was then I’d be grinning from ear to ear, mind drifting from what could possibly happen on my most awaited group sleepover.

Now my shoulder is slumped. Feeling the energy drained my soul. Wishing for the day not to end so tomorrow doesn’t have to come.

***

I frowned at the sight of a medium-sized bag on the floor when I came back to the dorm from work. Not only that but Yangyang is also well-dressed, with his black combo leather jacket, shirt, and denim pants. All paired with black rubber shoes. From the way he was fixing his hair in front of a small mirror attached to his closet, it looks like he really was about to leave.

“You going somewhere?” I announced my presence by asking that question, shutting the door close in the process.

“Renjun!” Yangyang greeted, eyes wide in surprise before he broke into a smile. “I’m glad I’ll see you before I leave,” he added.

“Where are you off to?”

There’s a pause on Yangyang’s side before he released a sharp inhale, returning back to his mirror. “My parents want me to come home this weekend. They threatened to cut me off of my credit cards so I really have no choice but to follow. I’ll be back first thing in Sunday.” I couldn’t help but notice the coldness in Yangyang’s tone at the mention of his parents. I am not able to see his expression since he had his back on me but I’d take my chance he wears a frown on his face right now.

I decided to carefully choose my next words. From the start, it seems like family topics are a sensitive issue for Yangyang. Still, I try to be a little optimistic. “Isn’t that great then? They must probably want to spend at least a day with you?”

Yangyang scoffed before shutting the closet close, a little too harsh and rough. “Yeah right. That will be the last thing my parents would want to see me. The hell would freeze and all and yet that will _never_ happen.”

“Are they so bad?”

He did not answer. Instead, he played the ring of his keys in his finger for a minute before he broke into another one of his strange smiles. “It’s okay, Renjun. Nothing I can’t handle.”

“It just pisses me off really. I’d rather spend the weekend here with you than in that stupid hell hole they call home.”

I study Yangyang for a while, trying to understand his words. When he returned back to his normal self, which comes in the form of an all-too bright grin and a cheery face. He jumped and skidded his way to grab his bag, carrying them around his shoulder and saying, “I’ll only be gone for a while, Renjun. I’ll be back as soon as possible. Take care while I’m away, okay? See you on Sunday.” And then he was out the door.

I was left sitting on my own bed, staring at the now-empty bed across the room. For the past months I’d been sharing a room with Yangyang, never once did he spend a night out of our dormitory. Which is a little strange because you’d think as a college student who is living in a dorm, he had more independence to do things on his own. Which means going out, probably partying and spending night with his friends. _‘But does Yangyang even had any friends?’_ Or am I just too unaware to know?

For those previous months, he’d also avoid the topic regarding his family, or anything relative-related really. It’s not a surprise for me he doesn’t wanna go home despite their family’s house being just a couple of hours away from the university. He’s never discreet about his dislike of them. I wonder what miracle happened that Yangyang decided to meet his parents.

‘ _Well, he did say his parents threatened to freeze his allowance. If it were me I’d be forced to do the same no matter how much I hate it,’_ I thought.

Anyway, I am not in a place to be thinking of my roommate’s situation right now. Not when I have my own problem to deal with.

Just like Yangyang, I too, am forced to spend a weekend with my friends. I wish just like my roommate, I can confidently say “Nothing I can’t handle” too in my situation right now.

***

My shift already ended 30 minutes ago and here I am, standing in front of the penthouse Chenle was talking about. He sent the address last night on our group chat before we all go to sleep. And now that I’m here, it really is no backing out. However, my fingertip lays longer on the space before the doorbell, never progressing and just hanging in the air like that.

‘ _I could cancel the last minute if I really want to. I do not have to do this.’_

But just as the plan and the possible reasons I could come up with were forming inside my head, the door clicked open. Revealing a wide-eyed Jaemin whose left hand was holding a trash bag ready for disposal.

“Renjun, h-hey!” Jaemin awkwardly greeted.

“Hey. Is uh, everyone there?” I asked, looking down.

“Yeah.”

“Great. Uhm- I’ll just come in.”

“Sure, sure. Err, welcome.”

I rushed inside, walking pass by Jaemin who also dashed out as soon as I’m inside. I shut the door closed and felt my heart beating on my chest, sighing. Not even a minute and everything’s all going wrong.

“Renjun ge! I’m glad you’re already here! For a second I really thought you’re ditching,” Chenle said as soon as I emerged in the living room, a small bag hanging on my shoulder that includes just the basic necessity I’ll be needing for the night.

‘ _Yeah, that’s what I was about to do.’_

I only smiled and asked for the room where I could put my bag. Chenle is more than glad to point me into the nearest one which also happened to be the largest. From the wrinkly sheets on the bed, I could only guess this is the same room Chenle and Jisung is probably occupying since yesterday. And the same one we’ll be sleeping in for later.

After carefully putting my bag to the empty space on the floor, beside the familiar gray bag of Jeno who looks pretty stuffed to be only for one person, I exited the room. Heading towards the kitchen to avoid the others who were silently watching a Spiderman movie with Jisung. At least in the kitchen, I will only have to speak to Chenle.

“Hey. Your aunt’s pretty rich huh? This penthouse is really nice. And very clean too,” I commented.

In front of the stove where Chenle was stirring our dinner on a bowl, the younger chuckled. “Yeah, ge. Auntie hires a housekeeper who will check this penthouse from time to time, clean it at least twice a week. That’s why everything’s crystal clean even though her son moved in a few weeks prior.”

“Now it’s almost scary to touch anything.” The huge vase displayed on the hallway on the way to the bedrooms looks so crystalline and expensive, all shiny and heavy, that even looking at it was just as intimidating. It’s good to know Jisung hasn’t broken anything yet. Everyone knows that kid sometimes moves like a bull.

Chenle chuckled. “Heh, yeah ge. My aunt calls me every hour just to check if things were okay and her penthouse has not burned yet. Like come on, I know she has no trust in me but can she not make it too obvious?”

I laughed at the eye roll Chenle displayed. Now I truly am getting myself into this conversation. We talked a little more before I offered to cut the ingredients he’ll be needing for our dinner. Chenle immediately agreed and gave me a knife and an apron too, along with the chopping board and a few onions and carrots.

“Ge, make sure to cut into very thin strips okay? Very thin.”

“Geez, sure. You sound like your overbearing aunt,” I said.

“Just making sure.”

Obviously, cooking is not a big deal for me. I am a pretty good cook if I were to evaluate myself. Maybe not as good as Jaemin, or even Chenle (despite his young age he’s quite familiar in the kitchen). But I know a few dishes I can cook with confidence. I help my mom cook sometimes so I’m all good. At least much better in comparison to Donghyuck who is making his way right now to the kitchen. _Wait... what?_

“Yah brat, can I help you with anything?” Donghyuck completely ignores me and went straight to Chenle’s aid.

Usually, Chenle rejects Donghyuck’s help especially when it comes to cooking so I am confident Donghyuck would be gone in a minute as soon as Chenle shoos him away. Instead, Chenle said something _unbelievable_.

“Sure. It’s about time I call my aunt anyway unless I want my phone to explode with her request for a video call. Just stir this for a while hyung, until it completely boils and the meat is tender. Also, make sure to saute those onions and carrots Renjun ge was slicing okay? I might take a while, but there’s the oil and the extra pan. I’ll count on you hyungs. Thank you so much!” Even Donghyuck is perplexed as he probably did not consider Chenle ever accepting his offer too. But before a word could leave his mouth, the material for cooking is already on Donghyuck’s hands and Chenle has already removed his apron, gone and out of sight just like that.

Now the awkward tension fills the air once more. I continued doing my task as Donghyuck silently stirs the soup. Nothing but the sound of the liquid boiling and the metal knife meeting the wooden board I’m using for chopping were heard. Neither of us said a word.

“A-Are you done?” Donghyuck was the first to broke the silence. But only to ask me about the carrots and the other ingredients he’ll need to fry.

“Yeah. Here.”

I was about to turn around to deliver the chopped spices when Donghyuck’s already behind, eyes still avoiding mine, as he takes the plate on my hand. “It’s okay. I got this,” he said.

So I did nothing but to nod, allowing him to do whatever he wants. Now without a task at hand, I am left to think whether I should announce my leaving before exiting or just leave silently. But at the same time, I am worried too. Donghyuck was never a good cook, he’s afraid of the boiling oil that might jump out of the frying pan once he tried to prepare something. Whenever he attempted to help in the kitchen or tried to as so much as fry something, it ends up in a mess.

And so it did. When Donghyuck shrieked, I nearly jumped too from my seat. In just a few seconds, I’m on his side, looking worriedly over him who is cowering with a frown in his face as he tried to pour the ingredients in the hot oil, cursing every time the sound grew louder as he spills the ingredients one by one.

“Oh fuckfuckfuckshit!” Donghyuck yells.

“Hey, give it to me. I’ll do it instead,” I offered.

“No, I can do this.”

“Are you sure? Because right now you look...” _‘...like a frog about to hop out from the frying oil,’_ I wanted to add. That’s what I always said to him every time he tries his luck in the kitchen. It’s more of a joke between the two of us. But now I’m not sure if it’s even okay to say that.

So I sighed. I, for one, is never good at handling situations like this. “Okay. I’ll go ahead.”

I don’t know if it’s my imagination but I saw a flash of hurt in Donghyuck’s eyes when I bid my goodbyes. It quickly went away in a fracture of seconds so I’d take it as a fragment of my imagination. I left Donghyuck in the kitchen with a heavy heart. Not yet half an hour in and I’m already so tired.

I peek at the living room where Jaemin and Jeno were comfortably cuddling in each other's arms. Eyes glued at the flat screen. Jisung is at the single couch, munching popcorn as if dinner does not exist. And Mark hyung who is on a sitting position, hugging his bent knees, on the floor. Eyes expressionless despite his favorite movie playing on the screen.

Despite the almost comfy and homey facade, from where I was I can still feel the undeniable tension. I refuse to add to that.

So I waited inside one of the rooms to play some games on my phone. Do anything really except calculate what might happen for the rest of the night with us seven.

***

My phone buzzed again for the second time. Sighing, I picked it up from the bed, knowing full well who the text is from. Yangyang.

Apparently, Yangyang spending the night in his parent’s house doesn’t guarantee a peaceful weekend for me. For the last 24 hours since he left our dorm yesterday, he sent at least 15 text messages in a row. And he also called me in the middle of the night when I failed to answer any of them. So I knew if I did not respond in the next two minutes this phone in my hand will be ringing in no time.

I’m seriously having second thoughts about Yangyang moving on with his feelings from me right now. It’s not like I can just tell him to stop or block his number (I could block his number if he is not coming back tomorrow and we’re not living in the same dorm). I am too embarrassed to do or say that.

Thus I went for the better option. I turn off my phone. I’ll just say I forgot to charge it. Problem solved.

I tossed the cellular back on the bed the same time as Jeno’s head popped in the door. I quickly straightened my back.

“Uh, the dinner’s ready. Chenle asked me to call you,” Jeno spoke, a little hesitant.

I nodded. “Okay. I’ll be there.”

The dinner, like yesterday’s lunch, is very awkward. Again, the whole conversation was carried all alone by Jisung and Chenle. Jisung with his playful remarks and stories, and Chenle with his random questions and embarrassing stories relating to high school. Now if Chenle and Jisung do not notice the tension between us five before, they surely do now.

“Okay! After this, we’re gonna watch _Aladdin_! Last one to finish will wash the dishes and will definitely miss the opening!” Chenle said in full enthusiasm.

At the announcement, Jisung is quick to accept the challenge when he sped up onto chewing his food, putting another mouthful right after. Chenle teases him for it but the younger didn’t care, while he said in a muffled voice, “Bwut I down’t wannwa wash the dishwes!”

For us five, it’s a different case. We don’t wanna watch a movie with any of us. There’s a solid and heavy wall that barriers us from each other, and it’s too big and hard to fit into one room with all five of us. At least one of us will be spared a few minutes' time away if we lose.

“Okay, it’s a tie! It’s perfect! Mark hyung and Renjun ge, you two wash the dishes! The kitchenware I used for cooking is still on the sink, it could really need a two person’s work. Chop chop, everybody!” Chenle clapped his hand like he’s talking to his house staffs and not to his older friends.

I mentally sighed in despair, shaking my head.

Mark hyung is actually a much better company and alternative than the other three. Though his boyfriend and I weren’t in speaking terms, I have no problems with talking to hyung. And so is he, with the way he asks me small favors in the kitchen, like handing him the dishwashing liquid or the sponge. Or asking me where’s the proper place to put the spatula and the pan.

It’s all good.

The movie _Aladdin_ is something we have already seen a lot of times. This is Jeno’s favorite and since I hang out a lot with Jaemin and Jeno before college, I’ve seen this way more than the other four. This is basically the only movie Jeno suggests we watch every time we ask him for movie recommendations. Jeno likes the soundtracks. He’d sing along with the characters and we’d go along with him, especially at the A Whole New World part. Sometimes Jaemin would sing Jasmine’s part, and Jeno would be Aladdin. Sometimes I’d be Jasmine. There are also times Jeno likes to watch us sing the song on our own, I am Jasmine and Jaemin would be Aladdin.

So when that part came, everybody expects us to do it.

“Yah Renjun ge, sing Jasmine’s part this time with Jeno hyung as Aladdin!” Chenle nudged me from the side.

“Huh? Err, my throat is a little sore, Chenle,” I reasoned out.

“It’s okay ge! We already heard your cracked voice a lot of times than you think so this is just one of those times if ever.”

“Err, I don’t know-”

“Just do it, hyung! Here is it!” Jisung exclaimed, pointing at the TV from the exact scenario where Jasmine accepted Aladdin’s hand and they both ride the magic carpet. The background instrumentals start.

I awkwardly smile. _‘This will not be good.’_

When Jeno starts, everyone, especially me can notice the difference in his tone. Definitely not the usual cheery and playful voice he uses. It’s more on a serious note, but a little weak and unsure. He even forgot the lyrics.

As my turn comes, I realized I’m no different. My singing voice itself screams awkwardness and uncertainty. Missing the notes and the lyrics here and there. And when we both sang the chorus, it’s like we’re reading instead of singing. _‘What the fuck...’_

Chenle looked at us weirdly. Jisung couldn’t care less as he kept munching his bowl of popcorn.

After the song, Chenle cleared his throat. Pausing the television and standing up. I thought this is the time where he’s gonna ask us questions because it’s inevitable and we’re too obvious to deny it now.

“Okay, I need you five’s help. Hyungs, can you please carry the extra sofa in the other room? My auntie bought them but since my cousin is living alone, he doesn’t necessarily use them. But now my butt hurts from sitting on the floor. I’m sure Renjun ge’s is too,” Chenle spoke.

Without any more words, he leads us in the other room, just beside the master’s bedroom. All five of us followed silently, not questioning a little bit of why a single sofa needs the manpower of five boys. That time it didn’t sink on our minds how ridiculous all of this.

Not until all of us were inside this said room that is much smaller by the other room, and totally has _no sofa_ inside.

“Chenle, what is this?” Donghyuck asked, looking back only to see Chenle looking at us in all seriousness at the doorway.

“I’m so sorry hyungs. But my back hurts. My back hurts from carrying all these conversations all night long! It’s such an eyesore to see you five dance around in thin ice with each other. I’m gonna have to do this!”

That was the last straw before panic draws me in as I realized what Chenle was about to do.

“You brat! Don’t you dare-!!!” It’s too late. The door has already shut closed on my face before I could even get to Chenle. With it comes the sound of a lock clicking from outside.

Chenle shouted from the other side. “Really sorry, Renjun ge, hyungs! But you can’t get out unless you five talk things out! I don’t know what happened and I know you five won’t tell us anyway so this is the only thing we could do! Don’t even try to fake it! I know when Donghyuck hyung is faking his laugh and his voice! You five better make up! Else, spend the night there until Renjun ge and Jeno hyung is comfortable enough to sing their own rendition of _A Whole New World_!”

‘ _Oh fuck my life.’_


	24. Chapter 23: Let’s Protect This Friendship Before The Storm Ruins It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wait- did I just gave a huge spoiler with the title? Oof... 
> 
> Enjoy reading!
> 
> \- sungchan

_**Renjun’s** _

It’s been an hour. Should I be happy that none of us has budged yet? From where I was sitting cross-legged in front of the door, I couldn’t hear any sound that indicates Chenle or Jisung is near. I’ve tried to slam my fist on the door, used my “I am your hyung” card, hell I also spoke using ten different voices that show ten different levels of my anger just to tell Chenle that I am _not_ joking. Nothing works.

So I resigned and just sat still against the walls. At least Jeno and Jaemin have each other, same with Donghyuck and Mark hyung. I think I’m gonna have to spend the night without speaking a word. I’ll just wait until tomorrow when the two brats let us go and give them a good scolding once we’re out of here. _‘Yeah, that’s right. Not like they can trap us in here forever.’_

But God was it boring. Without a phone or anything to do, I simply can stare at the ceiling and count sheep in my head until I fall asleep.

“Renjun...”

I look up. It was Donghyuck standing in front of me with a pair of pillows and thin sheets in his arms.

“Here. Looks like we’ll be spending the night here either way. Mark hyung found a set of pillowcases in the cabinet,” he said before placing the pillows and the sheets beside me.

Surprisingly, the grey sheets had a print of Moomin in it. I traced it with my hand, smiling a little.

Donghyuck, whom I didn’t know is staring at me, chuckled. “You’re like a kid really. I just knew that would be your reaction after seeing the design on this one.”

“What can I do? Moomin is just-”

“Too cute. Yeah, I know. I heard you say that a lot of times before. And to be honest, I still can’t get where you’re coming from and you could be a little too much sometimes.”

I looked at him, eyes flashing in hurt for what he said.

Until he added, “But I guess that’s what makes you you. You will not be my best friend Renjun if you’re not a hyperactive Moomin lover who likes to talk about it with your friends.”

His sentences rendered me silent. As I don’t know what to say next to that. Though my silence allowed Donghyuck to continue, eyes glassy.

“I miss you. I’m sorry for being insensitive. I’m so so sor-”

“Ssshh. Let’s not add any more apologies for now. You know I don’t know how to properly respond to them without being cliche. But I do miss my best friend’s hug? Lately, I’ve been really deprived of them.”

Donghyuck was in my arms, hugging me like there is no tomorrow as soon as I said that. He almost toppled me on the floor at the quick and hard impact. Yet I could only let out a giggle. The heaviness in my chest evaporating into thin air once I felt his arms and his scent suffocating me. But no I wouldn’t complain. Because I miss it. I miss my best friend and I am happy.

See, the thing about friendship is you might get mad at them. They might disappoint you. And you might judge them for doing something you do not like such as being insensitive to your feelings. But when that sincere apology came, and you see their heart all bare reflecting in their eyes, nothing matters anymore. You wouldn’t even remember whose fault is it. Or why you are mad, nor what you were thinking around the time you spent cursing them in your head. You’re just happy. Because your friend is back.

“I told you, Hyuck. These wouldn’t have gone on for long if you just reached out to Renjun first,” Mark hyung spoke from behind Donghyuck, smiling like a proud father.

Donghyuck lifts up his tear-filled face that I couldn’t laugh because my best friend looks like a fucking child that he was whenever he’s crying.

“Eew, get off me, Hyuck. Your snots are dripping!” I said in a playful tone.

Donghyuck glares at me, wiping his nose with his arms before saying, “Shut up. We both know you missed me too.”

“I didn’t say I don’t.”

“I miss you, Lonjin.”

I smile at the old nickname. “I miss you too, Haechannie.”

“Let’s just forget all of it, hmm? We could just learn from it and do better next time,” I smiled, wiping his tears with my thumb.

Donghyuck nods, still sobbing like a child that it made me and Mark hyung laughed because he looks so funny right now I wished I had my phone with me to capture a photo. “Let’s be better friends of each other from now on,” Donghyuck whispered in between hiccups.

“Yeah. We could do that,” I happily agreed.

“Can I sleep beside you?”

“I don’t see why not. Except Mark hyung might be a little lonely here.”

Donghyuck scoffed and rolled his eyes at his boyfriend. “Nah, it’s okay. The idiot will third-wheel at the NoMin couple. He said he misses talking about the latest released video games with Jeno. They might spend the night planning for a match soon in Jeno’s apartment.”

“Oh.” I nodded, smiling at Mark hyung. _‘I’m glad he fixed things with Jeno and Jaemin too.’_

“Hey you two ugly couple, I’m gonna hand you my boyfriend for tonight okay? I swear don’t do anything weird. I am not against threesomes but do it with the right person!” Donghyuck said without batting an eye like its the most normal thing to say to your friends.

Mark looked scandalized, his face all red as he cursed in English. Jeno threw a middle finger at Donghyuck who only showed a tongue. Jaemin covered his face in embarrassment and I might as well too because damn, I almost forget how Donghyuck’s mouth desperately needed a clip.

“Now, where were we? Oh right, it’s Renhyuck’s night bitches. Come on, let’s spread out this adorable Moomin sheet of ours for tonight.”

I have no choice but to follow, as we both make our own bed on the cold floor. Actually, there is a medium-sized mattress but neither of us used it. Already satisfied with the warmth that is slowly igniting again after cold days. The kind that could only be found in each other.

Suddenly, the night isn’t so sad anymore. Though I know there are still a lot of things to work through, and problems that I’m simply ignoring for the sake of temporary tranquility. Despite making up and sharing laughter once more like old times, deep inside I knew our friendship is like a scattered picture. No matter how hard we try to tape it back to normal, there are some pieces that just don’t fit like before.

Jeno, Jaemin, and I are included in that piece. There’s a big crack between us three that no matter how we tried to put it together, it just wouldn’t work.

***

“Hey, Renjun.”

It’s the middle of the night. Beside me, there’s Donghyuck releasing the small sounds of his snoring accompanied by his soft breathing. From the corner, Mark hyung is also stilled on his position against the walls. I actually thought I’m the only one who cannot sleep yet here Jeno was, calling my name in a hushed tone.

I hum as a sign of response.

“I’m sorry.”

The moment Jeno said those two words, there was a bitter smile that draws my lips. At this point do I really have to ask for what when I knew exactly what is he sorry for?

“Jaemin and I discussed it. Your... feelings for us. It’s just-”

“I understand. When I first started harboring these feelings I was scared. Because I knew it would end up like this.”

“I’m so so sorry, Renjun. We’re so sorry.”

“I wish you’d stop apologizing just because you don’t feel the same. It’s not like you’re entitled to reciprocate. I’d say I’m sorry too but it’s not like I wanted and chose to feel this towards my two best friends, right?” I faced Jeno’s direction and saw him already looking with Jaemin peacefully sleeping in his chest.

There’s a trace of sadness in his eyes. One that fits perfectly in this somewhat lonely night. It’s a little heartbreaking to look so I quickly retrieve my gaze.

“We’re still friends right?” Jeno asked in a whisper.

I smiled and nodded, eyes looking at the ceiling. “I am not letting these stupid feelings ruin what we have. Though if you think about it, it kinda already did. But I promise it’ll be gone soon. People change, feelings fade away. You’ll know when it’s gone.”

I face him one last time. This time no more pretensions, or fake smiles. and I hope my eyes held a promise in them because it’s exactly what I wanted to give before this night ends. “Spare me a little time. Until then, let’s stay as friends. Because you’re still Jeno and he’s still Jaemin. I want nothing but for you two to be happy. So love each other freely. I’ll be fine.”

What I was expecting to be a sigh of relief and maybe a tiny smile to grown on Jeno’s face remained unseen. Instead, Jeno’s face is incomprehensible in the darkness of this room. He remained silent, just staring for a whole minute before he nodded his head.

Nevertheless, I smiled. Pulling the sheets on my body so I could chase sleep and maybe get lucky this time. I turned my back, facing the door a few steps away. Eyes getting heavy as I finally feel the remaining heaviness on my chest slowly lifting and disappearing into the night.

***

_**Jaemin’s** _

I heard it all. Despite my cover, I too cannot just sleep the night away. Despite the feeling of everything slowly going back to its previous place, there are still thoughts to keep me awake tonight. It seems like the very subject of those thoughts was awake too. So with an act that I have fallen asleep long ago, I managed to hear everything.

I’ll be lying if I said it didn’t break my heart. Why did it have to be like this? Why did things have to end wistfully?

I should be happy too, relieve even, at Renjun’s decision. This should mean the problem is solved. Renjun says he understands and it’s not like we can do anything either even if he says he doesn’t. We’re all still friends so why.... why is there an itchy feeling in my chest that says none of us is okay with the outcome?

When Renjun said his final words, I felt a word at the tip of my tongue. Wanting to burst, to be let out, to be heard. But now that I kept it, I didn’t quite know what it is I wanted to say. Yet somehow if I ever open my mouth, I feel like the words will present itself. Why? _What is it?_

When silence engulf the night once more, and Jeno and Renjun’s short conversation died down, I wanted to be angry. So I clench my fist on Jeno’s shirt and pushed myself deeper into his broad chest. Jeno rested his chin at the top of my head. I thought he was going back to sleep but no.

Instead, I felt something drop at the very folds of my eyes.

Something wet. It was followed by two more droplets. And Jeno’s chest is moving in an up and down heavy rhythm.

It’s unmistakable, Jeno is crying.

I hugged him tighter, burying my face in the confines of his chest. Somewhere deep inside me, I wanna cry too.

I wonder why.

***

_**Renjun’s** _

I woke up to the high pitched voice of Chenle booming a “Good morning, fellas!” followed by a clapping sound.

“Judging the way Donghyuck is clinging to you Renjun ge, and Mark hyung’s uncomfortable position against the wall beside Jeno hyung, I’d guess you guys made up already?” Chenle asked in a hopeful tone, Jisung suspiciously looking behind him.

I was quick to throw the pillow on Donghyuck’s chest to Chenle’s direction. Chenle groaned at the impact, and so does a sleepy Donghyuck for snatching up the pillow he is snuggling with. Still, I made sure to cast my sharpest glare at the two kids.

“Zhong Chenle, Park Jisung, how dare you lock your hyungs in here all night?!”

Jisung nervously laughed. “It’s not my idea, I swear. It’s all Chenle!” He even pointed at the older boy beside him.

Now it’s Chenle’s turn to glare at Jisung. “Okay, let’s not be so hot-blooded first thing in the morning. At least you resolved whatever misunderstanding you have, right?” Chenle said in defense.

A yawning Donghyuck then answered, “You better be grateful that happened. If not, I swear to God Zhong Chenle, I will kill you right now.”

“Don’t ever do it again next time,” Jeno, who is now sitting also said.

“We’re serious. Don’t play with your hyungs like this,” Jaemin, who looks so adorable with his bed hair and I-just-woke-up face, said. I quickly look away when Jaemin looks my way. It would be awkward if he caught me staring especially after what I just promised his boyfriend last night.

“Fine hyungs, whatever you say. Though I’d really appreciate a little bit of gratitude here,” Chenle whispered the last sentence but I still heard it nonetheless.

I sighed, standing up from the comfortable duvets. “Fine. I’ll go make some breakfast. What do you kids want?” I asked. Though I do hate their little plan last night, I am not denying that it indeed help fix things. Immature and a little playful as it seems but it became a way to help us adults resolved our own issue. Chenle and Jisung can sometimes be mature for their own age. I’d give them the credit for that. But of course, I’d never tell them that. No way.

Chenle and Jisung brighten up at what I said and quickly answered, “I want Jaemin hyung’s kimchi fried rice and your special hot choco!”

Jaemin and I glance at each other. A little uncertain I may be but this could be one of the small steps I could take to fully heal my heart. There’s no use in avoiding. So I shrugged and say, “Okay.”

Everyone involuntarily moved to the living room. Though we are all awake, except for Mark hyung who enjoys his moment against the wall a little too much, we still find it hard to separate ways from the comfort of the thick blankets and sheets. It is no surprise why when the weather is unusually cold and outside the rain is pouring against the glass windows in Chenle’s living room. Donghyuck has to pull Mark hyung out of the room just to wake him up. We all know how hard the task is of waking the older in the morning.

Jaemin and I prepared the dinner. I helped Jaemin with his fried rice while I last made my hot chocolate. Jaemin and I shared a few words with each other, even laughed, and complimented each other's skills in the kitchen. And for the meantime, everything feels so right that even the cold weather comforts my heart.

In the end, the last meal we shared as a whole group (because after this everyone would separate ways once more) was the complete opposite of the previous two. It’s both nice and sad. Why do good things always have to end so fast?

Or so I thought.

The rain did not stop. Instead, it became much stronger by noon. We opt to cook whatever food is stocked in the fridge because none of us would dare go out in such a bad weather. The sky is so dark, with no sightings of the sun or any cloud anywhere. And after we eat lunch, a news report caught our attention.

“ _A strong typhoon is currently landing and hitting the city of Seoul and the following provinces. Its intensity is expected to last until midnight today, and will not leave until Tuesday. With the intensity of... A few stores and companies have closed for the time being so works are canceled. As for the schools, both high school, and colleges, the government advised cancellation of classes just until the city and the neighboring provinces are out of risk. Along with that, any form of transportation, international or local, is also encouraged to stop its services for the time being as citizens should stay home just until this typhoon passed.”_

We all looked into each other's eyes. There’s fear inside all of us, of course. But would I be selfish if I said I’m a little happy because at least I was given another day and night to actually enjoy the company of my friends? I have not realized how I really missed them with how much is going through my mind lately. Only now that it truly sink in. After months, I met Chenle and Jisung again, and we’re all hanging out like old times. Who knows when will this happen again?

“No need to worry guys, we’re all safe here in this penthouse. We have all we need in the fridge-”

“See ha! I told you, it is a great idea to go grocery shopping when we arrived last Friday!” Jisung interrupted Chenle.

“Okay so first of all, it’s not like you suggested that idea because you want to buy necessary things. You suggested that idea so you could buy cup noodles and junk foods that you’re prohibited to back in Gyeongsang. And second, don’t interrupt me please.” Chenle sweetly smiled but there’s a danger laced on it when he put a finger on his lips to shut Jisung up. Clearing his throat, the younger continued, “As I was saying... we’re all safe here. We have Jaemin hyung and Renjun ge, and of course, me to feed you losers. We can just enjoy this time together to unwind. Right?”

“Though I feel bad because there’s a typhoon, I am still happy I could eat freely for the next days without my mom’s nagging,” Jisung said.

“You’re forgetting something Park Jisung.”

“What?” Jisung looked at Chenle who had an amused smirk on his face.

“Your second mom is here.”

“Who- Ahh.” Jisung nervously laughed with the wink Jaemin sent his way, lips curved in a smile. “Come on, Jaemin hyung loves me. He won't scold me too much like mom, right hyung?”

“Hmm, we’ll see about that kid.”

At Jisung’s whine, we all chuckled. Dangers of the typhoon all forgotten. Deep inside I know, I am in my home so I am safe.


	25. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like this was supposed to be updated last night but something came up so- Neways, enjoy this chapter! 
> 
> \- sungchan

_**Renjun’s** _

By 8 p.m we were done with dinner. And now currently cooped up on the sofa, watching _The Conjuring_ on Netflix. Seated between Donghyuck and Jaemin, my eyes are all focused on the flat screen, not at all minding the downpour outside. Biting at the spoon I use to shovel on the chocolate ice cream on my hand every time I feel like another jumpscare is gonna happen.

My eyes, all so intense, are staring hard at the movie. The movie playing is now in its climax. My breath was caught in my throat, chest heaving in anticipation, and though I wanted to look away because I know all too well how this horror thing works (something scary’s gonna happen in a minute or two), I couldn’t. I prepared myself to flinch _just a little_ (I’d try my best not to shout) in the coming scenario. So when the very climax is right under my palm, I can feel it now along with my racing heartbeat, I screamed when the demon’s face popped up in the screen. The exact time the power died, leaving all of us in complete darkness.

And me, unfortunately, clinging onto Jaemin and burying my face on his shoulders.

“Oh my God, what was that?!” I said in panic, arms still clinging in desperation to Jaemin’s.

“Hey Junnie, it’s okay. It’s just a power interruption. Just breathe,” Jaemin’s soft and gentle voice echoed in my ears.

Body a little trembling, I tried to breathe. Though it came out shaky and weak, I repeated the process again and again until I felt much calmer and fully relaxed.

“Feel better now?” Jaemin said while his palm ran on my back.

I nodded. Looking around, everything is pitch black. I couldn’t take my hands off of Jaemin.

“Is he okay babe? Do you need some water, Junnie?” Jeno asked from beside Jaemin.

I quickly shake my head, now only realizing how awkward and stupid I’ve become again clinging to Jeno’s boyfriend like that. “It’s okay. I was just a little surprised.” I pull myself out of Jaemin’s embrace and crossed my arms, sinking myself on the couch.

“Well, that sucks. We were just on the good part!” Chenle whined from the floor, now standing up to turn off the flat screen and to unplug all the electronic switch.

“Judging the force of the rain outside and the direction it’s going, it’s not impossible that a malfunction in electricity happened,” Mark hyung commented from beside the window where he stood, quickly closing the glass pane after we heard the loud screeching of the deadly combination of strong wind and storm outside.

“Great. Now we’re gonna have to sleep in the dark,” Donghyuck said.

“I hate this,” Jisung says.

Chenle smirked at that. “Heh, better sleep with Renjun ge then. You too are the scaredy-cat in this group.”

“Shut up!”

“No, we’re not!” Both Jisung and I complained.

“Yes, Jun. Unfortunately, you are. Your girly scream a few minutes ago says it all,” Donghyuck confirmed.

I glared at him. The traitor.

“Anyway, let’s find some candles or anything that can light us up in this darkness. I don’t wanna sleep in the dark, just so you know,” Chenle demanded.

“Then you’re a scaredy-cat too,” Jisung countered.

“Not as scared as you.”

“Guys, for how long do you think this power interruption’s gonna last?” I asked as soon as we’re settled back in the living room with a couple of candles placed around us. We decided it’d be nice to sleep in the living room since it’s huge anyway, instead of one of the rooms. We brought a huge duvet and covers which we could share with each other and pillows.

“I think it will not be fixed until tomorrow.” Mark hyung sighed.

“Ugh it’s so boring, what should we do?” Jisung whined against Jaemin’s chest.

“How about we play a game?” Donghyuck suggested, his eyes glinting under the orange hue of the candle.

“Just make sure whatever game you’re suggesting isn’t as stupid as the others,” I scoffed.

“Hey! My games are all fun, okay? You losers just need to understand what fun really means.”

“Yeah, like there’s something fun about playing the Ouija board? Remember how Jisung resisted sleeping the following nights after we played that shitty game?”

“Is it really Jisung or is it you?” Jeno said to my surprise as he was silent the whole time beside Jaemin. Everyone carried an “Ooohhh” at Jeno’s words.

“Shut up, Mr. who-cannot-go-to-the-bathroom-alone-after-being-dared-to-play-bloody-Mary!”

“Ooohhh!”

Jaemin laughed at the flustered face of his boyfriend. To be honest, it kinda felt nice. I thought it’d be awkward to interact with the two of them. But it’s much easier and it comes out naturally than I thought.

“Let’s just play Poker, since let’s all be honest. All of us won’t be able to sleep tonight and playing horror games definitely won’t help,” Jaemin said.

“That’s what I was gonna say! Renjun’s the one who concluded things on his own!”

I rolled my eyes at Donghyuck.

“Lemme just get my cards! It’s a good thing I brought them with me!” Chenle dashed to his room to get the cards in his backpack.

As soon as he came back with a smile, a set of cards at hand, we formed a circle; a candle in the middle to light us up.

“Okay how about we play this with a twist?”

“What kind of twist?” Chenle asked Donghyuck.

“Like whoever lost has to follow anything the winner commands?”

“Fine. As long as you suck in this game, I know I’ll be fine,” I grinned in anticipation, snatching the cards on Chenle’s hand to distribute.

“Heh! We’ll see how this night ends for you, Jun!” was Donghyuck’s threatening words that, to be honest, only entered in my right ear before it left on the other.

***

Well, that night ends well. Only we have to suffer the humiliation of last night’s game the moment we wake up. Especially me who was dared by Donghyuck to suffer for 24 hours with these weird markings and drawings on my face; all made by Jisung my personal artist. No washing of face, no taking a shower, no wiping it clean. _Jesus._

“Sorry, Renjun ge. As much as I’d like to ignore the fact that you look like an authentic clown right now, your face distracts me and I can't focus on my coffee right now,” Chenle chuckled, looking down the floor, his shoulders bouncing along with the sounds he made.

It’s another glare I threw at Donghyuck who made a peace sign. If not for that motherfucker I swear to God...

“Since when the hell do you even learn how to properly play poker?!” I asked Donghyuck. Hey, don’t blame me if I’m a little suspicious at his repeated victory all night when everyone in this table knew Donghyuck sucks the most when it comes to that game.

“It’s when you idiots dared me to run a lapse outside our house naked at 5 in the morning. Better be thankful it’s raining cats and dogs today, else I’d ask Jisung to do it.”

“Hey! Why me?! Jaemin hyung’s the one to come up with that humiliating dare!”

“Oh please, don’t act as if you did not enjoy it, Park Jisung. Besides, Jaemin hyung’s already made enough embarrassment of himself dancing like a stripper in front of a poker-faced Mark hyung last night,” Chenle snickered.

Though he recalled what probably is the most humiliating deed Jaemin has ever done all his life. It shows in Jaemin’s red-painted cheeks right after Chenle reminds us of it. Mark hyung also choked on his toast and Jeno glares at Chenle.

“I think it’s more embarrassing in Mark hyung’s part. It’s like Donghyuck hyung dared his boyfriend instead to keep a straight face while watching Jaemin hyung’s sexy dance,” Jisung sipped his hot choco.

“Well if it isn’t the plan. And Markiepoo did a greaaat job, I’m so proud,” Donghyuck proudly pats his boyfriend in the shoulder.

“Man, I would have filmed everyone’s faces with my phone if I am not worried about my battery percentage.”

Oh right. The storm hasn’t passed. Though the wind slows down a little, and it isn’t as intense as last night. It’s almost lunchtime now when we wake up that our meal can be considered brunch. We stayed up until 4 a.m, filling our system with caffeine.

Though with the weather, I’d still like to sleep after this. And maybe I will as there’s really nothing much to do with the power cut off and all. Plus, I’d really rather sleep off this punishment of mine and just wake up when its time for me to take a shower.

By the time I returned to the master’s bedroom and found my forgotten phone in my bag’s pocket, I did not hesitate to turn it on.

As soon as it lit up, I instantly noticed the battery percentage in bright color red. _‘Damn it.’_ I forgot to charge my phone. Actually, I completely forgot to open it since I’ve shut it down on Friday. Now I’m pretty sure I’ll be bombarded by messages from both my family and Sicheng. _‘And probably even Yangyang too.’_

And I am not wrong. I don’t know if Yangyang just has this great timing on him but as soon as the text messages come in and notification from missed calls (1% is from my family, 99% is from my roommate), my phone vibrated on my hand. An incoming call from Yangyang.

This time, I slide the answer button.

“ _Renjun! Where the hell are you?! I cannot contact you at all! What happened?! Are you okay?!”_

“Hey, chill out. I’m okay. My phone’s just dead and there’s a power cut off going around.”

“ _Well, then where are you?! I called at the dorms and the guard on duty says you left last Friday bringing a bag with you.”_

I decided not to stress myself over things such as _why does my roommate sounded exactly like a stalker right now_.

“I am at a friend’s house okay? We’re stuck here because of the storm and all...” The sound of my phone battery draining rang.

“ _What? Where? Which friend? Renjun, tell me where you are right now-”_

And my phone died.

I sighed. Tossing it back at the bed and falling down on the mattress. Seriously, why is Yangyang acting like this again? Haven't I cleared up things with him? Have I not made myself clear at all? I thought he said he’s in the process of moving on?

From experience, I can already assume it'll be hard. Comparing to my situation with Jaemin and Jeno right now, it takes a lot from me to not get in between them like how I used to and snuggle myself in their warmth. It is taking a whole lot of my energy to stop myself from confessing my love over and over again to both of them. But I get by anyway.

‘ _Maybe Yangyang is just different. Or maybe I am not helping him enough. Right, maybe that’s it.’_

I sighed, arms falling to block my vision. The rain is still pouring hard from outside, creating a soft pitter-patter sound upon the glass windows. I closed my eyes and fell asleep.


	26. Chapter 25: Let’s Be Careful Around Our Roommate

_**Renjun’s** _

By Wednesday we had our very first glimpse of sunlight. The weather is in a lot of ways much better than the previous ones. The storm had clearly passed, making way for a clear and shiny bright sky from above. Though services of transportation are still on halt, ever shop that has closed down decided to open up and schools will automatically resume the next morning. That means our long and extended weekend is finally coming to an end.

“Chenle-ah, Jisung-ah, make sure to pack all these kimchi and sushi okay? Eat some on the bus too so you two won’t starve,” Jaemin said for what is probably a hundredth time as he put said foods in the fridge.

“Yeah yeah, Jaemin hyung we got it. No need to remind us every second,” Chenle rubbed his nape.

“Yah brat, be grateful. I was just saying. Also, make sure to leave some for both of your parents.”

“We will.”

“Great. You kids better call once you safely arrived home.”

“We’ll have a group video chat as soon as we get back.”

By Jaemin’s nod, I stand up and spoke too. “Take care on the trip, okay?”

Chenle chuckled. “Ge, hyungs, seriously. We won’t be going until tomorrow. So quit with all these advance nagging please.”

I rolled my eyes. “It is not nagging,” I said in defense. “Jaemin and I as well as the others are only worried for you two. The roads will be slippery so if you take the bus, tell the driver not to drive too fast okay?”

“We will, we will,” Chenle said in a sigh.

“Good.”

Because even though Chenle and Jisung won’t be leaving until tomorrow morning, the five of us will have to leave this afternoon. Our lunch an hour ago is the last as Jeno is now currently taking his time inside the shower. While Donghyuck and Mark hyung prepares to leave. I decided to take a bath at the dorms instead, with my bag all packed, I was just waiting for the others so we could all go together.

“You kids better not do something stupid tonight,” Jaemin threatened.

“We won’t,” the two grumbled in chorus. To which I doubt. They’d at least will do something stupidly small. Considering it’s their last adult-free evening together. They’re kids. I’ve been there too. I know how to lie and how to enjoy my time.

I rolled my eyes.

The doorbell rang.

“Were you guys expecting someone?” I asked the three of them.

Chenle and Jisung both shake his head and Jaemin simply denied it with a “No”. I wonder who could it be. My feet walk on its own to open the door for whoever this unknown visitor is. Only to come face to face with a smiling Yangyang as soon as the metal door revealed who’s outside.

“Renjun, hi!” he said in an all-too bright and cheery voice.

I gave him a look, studied him for a while. _‘What the hell is he doing here? How did he know this place?!’_ Yangyang is wearing a denim jacket and underneath is a plain black shirt. There’s a grey scarf wrapped around his neck and the leather gloves he’s wearing on his hands. My eyes fell down to the phone on his right clutch, showing my name on the screen as he obviously tried to call my still dead cell. He instantly shut it off when he approached me with a smile.

“Yangyang, why are you here?” I asked.

“Why, to fetch you of course. I just came back this morning and saw you’re still not in the dorms. Obviously, I knew you needed my help so I asked around where you are and here I am. I missed you!” he even jumped on his feet and pulled me for a hug.

I felt dizzy for a moment, my breath caught in my throat. What is this?

“Yangyang...” I called out for him instead of reciprocating his touches.

It seems like he understood my hint because he quickly pulled out, throwing me an embarrassed smile. “Oh, I’m sorry. I got caught up in the moment.” I bit my bottom lip by what he said, the same time he looked up so he could meet my gaze. “I just really miss you Renjun, that’s all.”

“Renjun-ah, who’s that?” Jaemin’s voice came from behind and soon enough, everyone is here. Even Jeno who looks like he just changed his clothes.

“Oh uh, it’s my... roommate,” I awkwardly said. What the hell do I even say?! I did not expect Yangyang here at all!

“Right. Your roommate. You haven’t introduced us yet, Renjun ge. You two seemed pretty close,” Chenle speaks up first.

“Sure. Yangyang, this is my two other friends. They’re younger by a couple of years. This is Chenle, he’s also Chinese. And Jisung, he’s Korean.”

“Hello, Yangyang ge. Is that your name? Yangyang? It sounds like a nickname to me. But it’s very cool,” Chenle’s bright approach.

On the other hand, Jisung was more of a shy type when it comes to new people so it’s no surprise he only managed a small smile and a single nod.

Remembering what happened last time with Donghyuck, I anxiously gave Yangyang a look. My mind’s silently coming up with things to say in case the situation became so unbearably awkward again.

But unlike last time, Yangyang smiled. The same smile he would always give me. For a minute I thought I was seeing it all wrong. Especially when Yangyang offered the two a handshake.

“You two are so cute! Hi! I’m Liu Yangyang. I’m of Chinese native too. It’s nice to know another Chinese than Renjun here. I’m so glad to meet you two!”

‘ _Am I hallucinating?’_

With a look Donghyuck gave to me, I shake my head. Looks like I’m not the only one surprised by this sudden twist of events.

“That’s so cool! Another Chinese hyung!” Chenle said in fascination. To which Yangyang responded with a shy laugh.

Jeno cleared his throat. “So Yangyang, what brings you here?” he said in a voice all too serious it’s kinda scary.

Yangyang’s smile faltered a little yet it remained still. “Oh, I’m here to pick Renjun up. The penthouse is pretty far from the dorms, I’d like to give him a ride.”

“It’s okay. You don’t need to do that. We’re fine with walking.”

Yangyang chuckled. “How about this? Since the dorms are pretty far from here and I’m not sure where do you guys live, but I brought my car so how about I give you all a lift? My car’s quite spacious for five bodies anyway.”

Everyone shared a look, including me. Jeno still had his lips turned upward into a frown, his aura still intimidating and unfriendly for some reason I couldn’t discern. Maybe because it was never a good situation whenever each of them crossed paths with Yangyang. Now that I thought of it, none of them ever really met in a normal affair without all the conflicts and misunderstandings.

Maybe that’s where Yangyang’s bad reputation formed in the eyes and minds of my friends.

I look at everyone and then back to Yangyang, who had his lips curled up in a sweet smile.

“You sure it’s okay?” I asked.

He brought a hand to my shoulder, gently squeezing them and pulling me into his side. “Of course, Renjun. After all, I don’t believe all of us have met under normal circumstances. I understand if I might not have the best impression as your friend’s roommate but I hope I could still change that.” And then he flashed a sincere smile to the others.

“I hope we could get along,” he added.

With one final look, I asked them silently. It was Jaemin who answered Yangyang.

“Sure. Why not? We’re all the same age anyway.”

“Except for Markiepoo here. He’s an oldie,” Donghyuck grins, lightening up the atmosphere.

Yangyang laughed. “Great then let’s go! But you guys better tell me the direction of your places.”

“Oh don’t worry, we will.”

Soon, all of us left and rode a different car model of Yangyang, unlike his previous Toyota Prius. I asked Yangyang where is his old car but he only smiled and said, “Oh I left it at home for cleaning. It’s a little dirty so gotta wash all the dirt it holds.”

Through the whole ride, it seems like everyone is getting along well with my roommate. Especially Donghyuck, whom he didn’t have a good first meeting with. Mark hyung is also talking just fine with Yangyang, as they both found a mutual interest in music. Jaemin is kind enough to ask Yangyang questions to get to know him better. While Jeno, I’ll give him credits for not glaring at Yangyang through the whole ride.

All in all, I was relieved Yangyang is getting along with everyone. And the drive isn’t such a one-way trip to hell. I was so happy I almost forgot the bit of fear in my chest when Yangyang knocked on the door. _Almost._

***

I wasn’t back on work until Friday. Seriously taking the role as my older sister, Joy noona asked me a bunch of questions regarding my weekend and if I were doing fine after all the troubles the already gone typhoon brought. Of course, I answered with enthusiasm. After all, my weekend is not so bad and ruined despite the storm.

“Finally you guys made up. I’m tired of seeing you look so miserable every time you enter that door,” Joy noona commented after I told her my current situation with the others. These past days, she has been my shoulder to cry on. The only person I could rant to and hold me up when everyone else seemed to turn their backs on me. She’s very much aware of my situations and she offered pretty good advice that helped me a lot.

“Yeah, it’s all thanks to Jisung and Chenle. They sure help a lot too despite being the youngest,” I sheepishly smiled while putting a book at the top rack.

“It’s a pity I haven’t met them.”

“You could meet them next year. When they come here to study for college. They’ll pass an application in our university and hopefully, they’ll get accepted.”

“Oh.” There’s a pout on Joy noona’s face before she said, “You know I was a senior now right? I’ll be out by then.”

Now that she mentioned it, I almost forgot Joy noona is a graduating student. If everything goes well, she’ll undoubtedly be leaving college after the next semester. That’s quite saddening. I’ve grown attached to Joy noona too and I’ll definitely miss her.

“Does that mean you’ll be resigning here too?” I asked, climbing down the ladder after successfully putting everything at the shelf.

Joy noona lets out a sigh before giving me a glum look. “Yeah. Actually, I already talked to the owner. I’ll be quitting after this semester so I could fully focus on my studies since the next semester will determine whether I’ll graduate this school year or not. So it’s really important to me.”

I nodded dejectedly. “I’ll miss you noona.”

Joy noona grins, suddenly pulling me for a bone-crushing hug. Just as how fast those words left my mouth, I am quick to regret ever speaking them too. As I always said, Joy noona can really be a bit overbearing sometimes. Not that I don’t like it, it's just really embarrassing for my part.

“Aww, my sweet dongsaeng is gonna miss his prettiest noona, huh? My heart, now I might not be able to quit because I’m gonna miss you too!”

“Noona, let go. I can’t breathe!” I squirmed away.

Once I successfully got out of that hug that would literally knock the air out of me, I went back to the register. Straightening my uniform and checking the computer when Joy noona cleared her throat, her eyes serious when I look at her.

“By the way, Renjun-ah, does your roommate picked you up from your friend’s place last time?”

“Huh?”

“Yangyang, that’s the name of your roommate right? I was actually surprised when he knocked on my door a few days ago. He demanded to know where you are.”

“Yangyang went over your place?” Now, that confuses and surprised me. Exactly what’s with Yangyang that he always sparks off these kinds of reactions in me? All without a fail.

I saw the hesitance in Joy noona’s expression before she opens her mouth again to speak. “To be honest Renjun, it’s kinda odd. I haven’t even known him or saw him at all, except for the time Sungjae and I brought you back to your dorms and he opened the door for us. But other than that, we never had a proper interaction. So it really shocked me when I saw him early morning outside of our apartment. Did you perhaps gave him my address?”

I was quick to shake my head no. At the mention of the night where I drank so much I passed out, which is also the same night something happened between Yangyang and me, I almost blushed. I haven’t told anyone about it, even noona, and it’s the kind of issue I wouldn’t wanna recall anymore. But can’t help but to, unfortunately.

Noona stares at me with unreadable eyes. Something about it alarms me, made my heart beating into anticipation of what would her next words be. I’m just not sure whether I am ready to hear them or not.

“I am telling you this because I care about you, Renjun. And I am not trying to judge your roommate here with a hardly 15 minutes conversation. But I feel something was off with your roommate. He’s younger than me but the way he talked to me, he looks like he’s ready to kill if I didn’t give him the answer I want. He gives me the creeps. Maybe I was just thinking it wrong, or he’s just a really good friend and a roommate who is _very much_ worried about you as he claimed to be. Maybe it’s just a misunderstanding and a bad impression, I don’t know. But be careful, okay?”

I ponder each and every single one of Joy noona’s words. And after much thinking. I tried to release a chuckle that I hoped didn’t sound too awkward and too forced. “Maybe you’re just overthinking it noona. Yangyang is... a nice roommate.”

“Yeah well, _too nice_ in fact to raise his voice asking for your friend’s address just so he could pick you up. Just be attentive. I don’t feel good about this one. I study Psychology and I’m telling you, something about his eyes screams danger. He’s not the kind of person I would want to be meeting again.”

A customer enters and that was the end of my conversation with her. I wouldn’t lie and say a part of me wasn’t in denial. It’s just Yangyang has been nothing but nice to me despite some of his actions.

But if I were to really listen to this tiny voice inside my head, I could hear it telling the same things Joy noona just told me.

_Be careful around Yangyang._


	27. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, I'm alive. Struggling but alive nonetheless. Loool.
> 
> \- sungchan

_**Renjun’s** _

Everything is looking up. My relationship with the others is slowly but surely going back to normal. Especially my bond with Donghyuck. This past week, Donghyuck has been nothing but a better version of a friend. We spend a lot more time together, regularly eating lunch, and sometimes he would even accompany me to the library. Of course, Donghyuck is anything but normal. After all, he’s loud (I almost forgot just _how_ loud he could be), and clinging to me was like his second nature (after clinging to Mark hyung, of course).

So yeah, we hang out a lot. Just last weekend Donghyuck invited me to spend the night in their apartment. With Jaemin and Jeno, of course. It’s like we’re back from the past. When we used to spend Friday nights and weekends together chilling and relaxing after a stressful week from school.

Those days I really enjoyed a lot. Plus, it gives me more reason not to stay in the dorms.

Am I avoiding Yangyang again? Not that I would admit, no. But deep inside, a part of me subconsciously does. I know Yangyang probably meant no harm. And that I was just overthinking things. Still, I ended up avoiding any possible situation where I had to spend a long time with just us two. Pretty hard considering he’s my roommate. Maybe that’s why I’m so thankful I had my friends to turn to anytime now.

My afternoon classes were canceled so I decided to nap in the dorm before my shift at the bookstore. I just didn’t expect Yangyang to be there as well when I came in.

“Hey!” he flashed a soft smile to me as I slip out of my shoes.

“Oh, didn’t know you’d be here,” I greeted back.

“Yeah well, my afternoon classes were canceled as well. You too?” Yangyang asked, putting down the book he was currently reading before I came in.

“Uh-huh. Gives me time to have a quick nap before work. You good there?”

My roommate just gave me a nod of enthusiasm. “Of course, you need sleep. Go on. I’ll just be right here if you need anything.”

I only returned with a groan before throwing myself off the bed. Tiredness from morning classes kicking in as I let myself be lulled in a dreamless sleep.

_**Yangyang’s** _

I counted an exact 10 minutes in my head. Once I’m sure that Renjun was deeply asleep, breaths steady, I pulled in my drawer a bottle of capsules.

I had to read the label twice, only to make sure I am not giving Renjun the wrong pills. _Sleeping tablets to fight insomnia. Use with caution and rightful dosage. One pill is good enough for a good night’s sleep._

‘ _Hmm, how about a two?’_ My lips twitch at the idea. Of course, Renjun looks tired. It wouldn’t hurt if he missed his shift just for today, right? Plus I missed him. Lately, his stupid friends have been hogging all of his time, leaving nothing for me. I love him so much it doesn’t matter if he’s sleeping as long as I get to spend some quality time with him.

Nodding in affirmation, I dropped two pills on my palm. Slowly, I moved towards Renjun’s drawer where his tumbler is placed at the top. Observing allows me to learn a fact or two about him. I know that Renjun is easily dehydrated that he needs to keep water beside him 24/7, especially while sleeping. He tends to wake up in the middle of his sleep and drinks from his bottle. So of course, all I gotta do is pour the medicine in his drink and Renjun will be all mine until midnight. If I get lucky, maybe until the morning.

I watched as the powder blended and dissolved into the liquid. After the last one, I immediately closed the lid again. His small alarm clock caught my attention. So I turned it off before I twist the clock hands two hours late from the current time.

I can’t help but stare longingly at Renjun’s sleeping figure. Carefully, I sat at the edge of his bed, my hands gently stroking his locks. Renjun sighed in content. Of course, he likes it when someone touches his hair. That’s another thing I learned whenever I watched him sleep at night.

Even the sounds of Renjun’s light snores are like music to my ears. I would’ve recorded them if I had my phone with me right now. The object’s just a few feet away but the view here in Renjun’s bed is too lovely to not look at. I can’t keep my eyes off him. It’s just a Renjun thing that I guess I could never get used to. Whenever I see him, I just can’t look away.

I kneel beside him, tracing the outline of his nose. Renjun stirred a little before going back to his slumber. Renjun’s a heavy sleeper, that I’m sure of. If he’s not, he would’ve noticed me a long time ago as I touched him in the dark.

No, this is not an obsession. It’s love. People watch their loved ones sleeping all the time. Besides, I don’t think Renjun minds. He loves me, I know. He’s just being in denial, and confused, and blinded because of that Jeno and Jaemin. He’ll come to me one day. I am more than willing to wait. Love is patient, after all.

I tried to be more daring, just because I missed him so much, and inched my face closer to press my lips with his. I didn’t move. Just a full minute of our lips glued together. And yet still, I felt warm tingles circulating throughout my nerves. God, do I love him. I nuzzle my nose on the side of his bared neck. Fighting the urge to sink my teeth on it and mark it is always so hard when his smell drives me crazy. It’s like my whole existence was eaten by the thought of Renjun, Renjun, _Renjun_.

“I love you, Renjun,” I whispered to his ear, leaving a chaste kiss at the tip of it after.

‘ _I love you so much that it fucking hurts.’_

***

_**Renjun’s** _

The darkness of the room is the first thing I noticed as soon as I opened my eyes. It’s also a little chilly but the thick blanket protected me from it. _‘Huh?’_ I looked down, making sure I was not mistaken with the blanket thing. I blinked my eyelids while I tried to remember what even is my name.

Apparently, I slept too long and too peaceful that my mind is trapped in a series of shut down for a couple of minutes. Until it finally sank to me. _Canceled afternoon classes. Nap. Work._

“Oh, shit!”

I threw away the blankets off my body, grabbing the alarm clock beside my bed as I tried to peek on the numbers despite the darkness. _‘Is it not working?’_ I asked myself, seeing as the two arrows were stuck from the previous number I swore I saw them in when I woke up sometime this afternoon. _‘What the hell?’_

I plucked out my hair in frustration, sighing. To be honest, I still feel a little drowsy from sleep. Maybe it’s the logic of oversleeping but my bones felt so weak, my muscles spent and worn out than the usual. Considering the darkness of the room and the absence of daylight, it’s clearly evening now.

‘ _Did I overslept? What the fuck just happened?’_

“Hey, are you okay?”

I almost flinch in surprise when I heard Yangyang spoke from his bed. He sat up, fingers reaching to turn on his lampshade. With it, I saw my roommate’s disheveled appearance as he yawned at me.

“I think I overslept,” I said mindlessly.

“Oh yeah, you really did. I tried waking you up but you would only shove my hands off. I was afraid you’d be mad so I just let you be.”

I pressed a palm on my forehead, sighing in defeat. Even I can’t understand how did this happen. I like sleeping, yes, but I would always wake up to the sound of my alarm clock. Which is broken, by the way, explaining why I hadn’t woken up this entire time. Still, I was quite sure my clock is working just as fine when I left it this morning.

“What time is it?” I asked in a tired and groggy voice.

“Hmm, it’s 2 in the morning Renjun.”

“Shit,” I cursed silently, knocking a fist on my forehead due to my idiocy.

Yangyang probably noticed as he’s quick to reprimand me about my actions. “Don’t do that, you could hurt yourself.”

“My phone. Where’s my phone?” I asked again, more to myself, less to Yangyang. A wave of dizziness hits me when I tried to stand up and searched for the switch. I turned on the light, on which I also had to cover my eyes from for a minute because it’s too bright, and searched for my phone inside my bag.

When I found it, I scrolled to countless messages and missed calls. A few from Donghyuck and Jaemin, half of them from Joy noona. Everyone asking me of my whereabouts, curious as to why I am not answering their calls. I sighed again before sending an apology to noona after some cheap excuse I had to come up with. While for the others, I simply left a message on the group chat saying I overslept.

Yangyang is right. The time on my phone says 2:20 a.m so there’s no way I could expect a response from anyone at this time of the night.

“Is something wrong Renjun?”

“Well I just completely missed my shift at work,” I threw my phone beside my pillow after turning off the lights.

“I’m sure Joy noona would understand. It’s not your fault you’re tired.”

“I guess you’re right. I’m just surprised. I really didn’t wake up?”

Yangyang nodded in confirmation, chuckling a little. “Yeah. You slept like a dead man. Not even a single budge.”

I twist my neck for comfort. Guess there’s no use in thinking about it. After all, I am still actually sleepy and I would’ve certainly gone back to sleep if not for the sudden panic that hits me straight in the face after opening my eyes.

I reached for my water tumbler only to see it empty now. Damn it. I refused to go out and get myself water in the lobby at this time of the night. My throat feels itchy and dry, I had to scratch my neck.

“Here, take this,” Yangyang cut me out of my reverie. He offered me his own bottle full of water.

Hesitant, I asked first, “Are you sure?” At this rate, I am confident to gobble up at least half of his drink with how thirsty I am. Yangyang encouraged me with a smile and a genuine nod.

“Yeah, I don’t drink a lot of water at nights anyway. It’s all yours if you want.”

“Thank you so much.” I did not try to refuse since I am practically begging for water to slide down my throat. Indeed, I nearly finished it in one go.

Now feeling refreshed more than ever, I could go back to sleep.

“Thanks again. Sorry for disturbing your sleep at this time of the night,” I said, pulling back the covers.

“Anything for you. Sweet dreams, Renjun hyung.”

I closed my eyes. And fell back again into another silent slumber.

***

_**Yangyang’s** _

Despite the heavy school works, a sense of overwhelming happiness and enthusiasm filled my lungs as I glide my way over the dorms. A box of pizza on hand and two colas that I can’t wait to share with Renjun. I also made sure to buy his favorite toppings and sauce. It’s 25 minutes before 10 and I’m sure Renjun is back from his part-time job. I hummed as I press the elevator buttons.

“Lalalala!~” I skipped a step or two, bouncing lightly through the empty halls that welcomed me. Today, I woke up in such a good mood, and I had a feeling it’ll last through the entire day. Which it did. Especially now that all that’s left in my schedule is the very highlight of my day. Spending time with Renjun alone in our room.

Unfortunately, this is where a trash like Donghyuck chose to intrude and ruin my delightful mood. The sound of his faint laughter from inside got me halting on my steps. I even pressed my ear at the door just to make sure and surely, the owner of that sickening cackling is Lee Donghyuck.

I didn’t know how long I spent standing in front of the door. My body felt numb all of a sudden as a rush of anger flows through my veins. All I can hear is Donghyuck and Renjun’s combined laughter. All I can think about is Donghyuck inside _our_ place. I was clenching my fists so hard before I knew it.

Once calmed enough, I twist the knob open. Donghyuck and Renjun were both sitting on the floor, backs pressed at the edge of Renjun’s bed. A laptop was resting on Renjun’s lap while empty cup noodles and can of soft drinks disbanded on the floor. Both look up at the sound of the door opening.

“Hey, Yangyang,” Renjun is quick to put the laptop on his side and pile the empty cans and cups on one side. “Sorry for the mess, I’ll clean it later. I forgot to mention Donghyuck’s coming over tonight. To be fair, it’s totally unplanned.”

“Hi there! Ooh, is that a box of pizza on your hand?” Donghyuck commented, earning an elbow from Renjun.

“Don’t mind him. It’s just there’s a newly released Sci-Fi movie and Donghyuck can’t wait to watch with me.”

“Hey! Don’t act like you’re not as excited as me now!” The _trash_ commented in a fake butt hurt.

For a second, I simply allowed my eyes to shift between the two boys. And the empty cup noodles. Then to the box of pizza on my hand. As expected, Donghyuck is really a piece of garbage who doesn’t know when to back off. Always stealing Renjun’s time from me. _Shameless._

I did not say a word and proceeded to remove my shoes. I can’t stand Donghyuck’s sight with Renjun. It hurts my eyes.

“By the way, did you eat?” I heard Renjun ask.

I glance at him, shaking my head no. “I was hoping to share this with you.” Then I raised the box of pizza for him to see.

Instead of Renjun answering, Donghyuck beats him to it. “You know, just share it with me. Renjunnie here’s too conscious with his diet, it would be a shame if that goes to waste! Come here!” He pats the space beside him.

As if I would like to sit with him. I see it now. Just because I’ve been a little friendly with him these past few days, he probably thinks we’re buddies now. The thought itself is close to make me puke. The only thing I wanna do right now is to wrap my hands around that neck and strangle him until he can’t breathe. Until he finally disappears to my and Renjun’s sight _forever_.

“Sure. If that’s okay with Renjun,” I faked a smile, looking at Renjun who simply nodded.

“Of course. I’m too full anyway. You should share it with Hyuck. No food would go to waste in Donghyuck’s stomach,” Renjun chuckled.

“Shut up.”

I had to forcibly push myself to move and sit beside Donghyuck. I should’ve sat beside Renjun. Why is Donghyuck in the middle anyway? He should’ve been at the corner piled along with the other garbage because that’s what he is. A hindrance, a pest, always getting between me and Renjun.

“Here, you should watch too, Yangyang. This is really good. As a medical student, I thought you might like Science.”

I automatically smile at Renjun’s thoughtful words. You see, it’s one of the many things I liked about him. Though he is quiet most of the time, he would do anything to entertain just so no one would feel left out. Despite being awkward himself. He’s always so kind to other people. Unlike Donghyuck, Renjun is never selfish.

The entire time I did not focus on the film. How can I when the real work of art is just a space away from me? Renjun’s lips that regularly twitched in a smile, his perfectly shaped eyebrows that would raise every once in a while, and those little yet meaningful comments he'd give from time to time. I found them all more interesting and entertaining than the movie playing on the screen.

For a while there I had completely forgotten Donghyuck’s bashful existence.

Until I saw the occasional touching. It started with a simple brush of a finger, that progressed to their thighs pressed together. And then Donghyuck whispering _too close_ to Renjun’s ear. What truly unsettles me the most is when Donghyuck latched his arm on my beloved, resting a head on Renjun’s shoulder.

I had to control myself hence I will lose it and finally give in to my desire of throwing this almost crumpled can of cola on my hand. I looked away, silently calming my irregular breaths. Putting down the steel object, I excused myself, “I gotta go change my clothes, it’s uncomfortable. I’ll be back.”

“You sure? The movie’s almost ending,” Renjun gave me a look.

I forced a smile out of my burning chest. “Yeah. I really need to go.”

Renjun shrugged, sinking back to his spot and said, “If you say so.”

I quickly grabbed a new pair of clothes from my closet and walked out. My whole body is trembling with anger and surely if this goes on I’ll start to lose control again. Blinking twice or thrice just to clear my head, and my vision, before I released the cold metal knob from my touch. I took a deep breath before heading to the bathrooms.

The cold shower helped me a lot. And I could only hope Donghyuck will be gone once I came back. Being angry is the last thing I want. I was trying my best not to be controlled by my emotions without the help of my medications. Resorting to other things as my way of distraction is my only option for now. It’s not much, yes, but I’d rather have this than depend on those pills again to which I am only losing more of myself than gaining.

‘ _Donghyuck, Donghyuck, Donghyuck! I fucking hate you!’_ I hit the tiled walls with my fists, doesn’t matter if I got bruises on my skin. It doesn’t hurt much. In fact, I don’t feel anything. But thinking it was Donghyuck whom I am punching straight on the face than the walls right now is as much help as the waters trickling down my body.

After I’m done, I march to the empty and almost dark halls back to the dorm. I turn the knob, about to enter, when I heard Donghyuck speaking. Along with his irritating voice are two names that I despise just as much.

“You’re really giving up on Jeno and Jaemin now?” The pest questioned.

I halted. Hand still pressed on the knob, I leaned a little to listen. Curious to Renjun’s answer as well.

There’s a pause, and a sigh that follows before Renjun responds. “There’s just no use, Hyuck. I love them but I treasure our friendship more than anything. I respect their decision. They don’t see me that way, I’ll back off. Easy as that.”

I smile, completely satisfied with the words I heard.

“But Jun, are you sure they really don’t feel the same way? Have you seen the way Jaemin looks at you? Or how Jeno would literally stop whatever it is he was doing just to listen to you talk?”

‘ _Of fucking course. Donghyuck just_ _ **had**_ _to ruin everything again.’_

“Hyuck, whatever you mean? Jaemin looks at me like that because he’s my best friend. And of course, Jeno would stop whatever he’s doing to listen because that’s how it should be. It’s a basic polite courtesy to do that to show someone that you’re listening.”

I heard a grunt of disagreement from Donghyuck. “Nah. I still think there’s more to that. Honestly, when we were in high school, I always thought one of them would confess to you first. They just had these eyes, and smile, and sensual touches and manner that is meant only for you. I was really surprised though when they started dating each other.”

“Well, it’s not always what we think, Hyuck. I’m moving on, you should too. There is no us, and I’m starting to accept that.”

“Do you really? I’ve seen the longing in your eyes when you think no one’s looking.”

“Ugh, shut up, Hyuck! It’s not gonna happen. I’m still on the process of moving on, it’s hard okay? You can’t magically expect me to forget everything? That is why I’m starting little by little. I’ll get there soon, I promise.”

“Are you sure you won’t regret that? Here, why not try to confess again? Just one last time, one last try, one last confession. Give it your all. After all, it was me who told them out of nowhere, remember?” Another pause. “Maybe if they heard it directly from you- if you just told them your heart, who knows? There could be more to this than what you think...”

I did not hear Renjun respond, only a few movements here and there. I leaned away from the door once I concluded that was the end of their conversation. Once again, anger overwhelmed me. Renjun is trying to move on and forget and yet Donghyuck... that motherfucking son of a bitch, was trying to brainwash and confuse him.

I’ll never forgive Donghyuck for this. Never.

I stare at my palms, cold and sweaty with traces of the sharp tip of my fingernails. My lips curl in a sadistic smile.

‘ _You really just wouldn’t stop, would you, Donghyuck? Maybe in death, you’ll finally shut your mouth.’_


	28. Chapter 27: Let's Run Over Your Body And See If You Survive After

_**Donghyuck’s** _

“That’d be 30,000 won.”

I pulled out the exact amount of bills from my wallet and hands it to the boy behind the counter, followed by his tapping at the computer’s keyboard. It’s 10 in the evening and my cravings for soju and ramyeon got me here. T’was a good thing this convenience store’s just a few blocks away from Mark’s apartment.

“There you go. Thank you for purchasing,” the boy spoke in a monotonous voice it’s almost funny as he hands me the plastic bag and receipt. I left after a bow, skipping my way through the quiet neighborhood.

“Oh, right.” I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and dug through my hoodie’s pockets. Smiling when I got a hold of a lollipop Renjun gave me earlier. A little sweet on the way would be enough to ease my cravings until I get home.

Now with the sweet flavor of strawberry milk at the tip of my tongue, I advanced merrily on my walk. Walking at nights are actually calming and comforting than in the mornings. No unnecessary noise wherever. Only the rustling of the trees and the moon above as your accompany. I should probably invite Mark hyung to come with me next time. This is precisely what I usually see in those dramas and movies I watched with Renjun. It would be fun to experience them with my own boyfriend in real life.

I chuckled at the thought, crossing a quiet street.

_Beeeeeeeppppp_

‘ _What the-?’_

I closed my eyes for the first few seconds, arm pulled up over my face. I couldn’t see anything except for the blinding light coming from a car a few centimeters away from me. I had to squint my eyes and use a hand to shield my vision from the overwhelming brightness.

“Hey! What the hell?!” I shouted, arm still covering my face.

It goes on for another minute. As if whoever’s the person behind those wheels really made it his or her goal to put me in the spotlight with his or her car lights. It’s quite infuriating if you ask me. I don’t know what’s his or her deal, pulling a prank like this in the middle of the night.

Then finally, the lights fade out. I had to blink a couple of times to adjust to the previous darkness. I see a familiar model of a black car. Inside is another very familiar face of a person smiling creepily. _Renjun’s roommate, Yangyang._

I sighed in relief, putting a palm on my heavy beating chest. “Thank God. Yangyang! You scared the hell out of me! I thought it was some sort of prank pulled by punks around this block!” I said, heading over to Yangyang’s car.

But then I stopped. Suddenly, a voice in my head screams at me to run. I noticed a few things. The light posts which I remembered were perfectly working before now ran out of their lights, leaving a totally dark road if not for the low brightness exuding from Yangyang’s car. Even the absence of a single person on this side of the street shouldn’t be as worrying. After all, this is just Yangyang I am with.

Yangyang, who had a chilling grin on his face. Yangyang, staring at me with those eyes that were vacant of emotions especially remorse. Yangyang, who is now stepping on his pedal and driving his car _towards_ me.

“Fuck!” I ran. I run as fast as I can that I even dropped the plastic bag on my hands just to search for the phone in my pockets. I need to call someone.

But Yangyang’s speed has doubled. And what could my pair of legs do against four wheels of machinery? Still, I tried my best to keep a distance while I fumbled over my contacts. I was close to crying now, the tears aren’t helping to clear my vision. My heart was pummeling so fast. A gut feeling of mine tells me once I stopped even just for a second it is death that I’ll meet.

My fingers clumsily hovered over Mark hyung’s contact. I was about to press call when I thrust the phone in the air the same I felt a painful blow from my back spreading through my entire body. For a second, it felt like I was in the air too. Flying, along with the device that still flashed Mark hyung’s contact.

I flew, and then I fell. I cried in pain, along with the sound of my bones cracking. My whole body feels like burning, everything aches and throbbing. I coughed out blood. Everything is spinning. And just when I thought that was the end, Yangyang drove over me again. And again.

I felt like I was in pieces. Even breathing feels like inhaling fire. The last thing I heard was the car's engine fleeing off the scene and the echoes of his laughter disappearing from the streets.

***

_**Renjun’s** _

Equations and computations always drain my head, or at least what was left in my brain cells. I’ve never been good at Math, not when I was in high school and most definitely not now in college where the subjects just seemed to get far worst than ever. It’s like the twin sister of Science. I hate both.

But exam week is coming. So here we are, studying in advance. I need at least a passing score in this subject, I am not aiming for a high goal anymore. Memorizing is something I am good at but for some reason, the formulas just tangled along with my other thoughts. _‘Ugh for fuck’s sake.’_

I was angrily munching my gummy bears when the door opens, revealing Yangyang who just came back from God knows where. It’s almost 11, I wonder where he’s been.

“Oh, you’re still up!” he said with a wide smile painted on his face.

I nodded. “Mmm. Had to study in advance for the exams. How bout you? You had a late class?”

He stopped on his tracks but quickly recovered. Hanging his jacket, he replied, “I had to stay at the lab.”

“At this hour?”

“Yeah.” Yangyang grins. After changing into a pair of sweaters and sweatpants, he sat with me, grabbing a couple of gummy bears. “What ya got there?”

I grumbled, and it was the start of a rant when I showed Yangyang my modules and textbooks along with the copies of my notes. All sharing complicated formulas and numbers that no matter how much I tried to comprehend, I just couldn’t get my head into.

My roommate, on the other hand, might be just the complete opposite. He laughed merrily at my dilemma. “Let me see,” he said, chewing a gummy bear while he snatched the notes in my hand and inspects it. After a few humming and nodding, he added, “This is easy. You’re just wrong to use the complicated formula on this one. There’s a much simpler formula to get the answer, ya know?”

“Really? Show me!”

“Okay, gimme your pen.”

I should probably be ashamed of how fast I am to give him what he’s asking for. Actually, I could give him anything right now in exchange for this simple method that solves my current situation. Yangyang chuckled at me but didn’t say anything. Instead, he spent half an hour teaching me easy tricks and equations to determine the given problems.

“Whoa, you’re cooler than my Math teacher back in high school,” I commented without much thinking.

Yangyang responded with a shy smile, looking away as he awkwardly rubs his nape. “Ah really? Does that mean you get it now?”

“Totally! You lifted up half of my worries with this subject. Thank you so much. I didn’t know you were so good at this.”

He shrugged. “Well, I had to. Half of my subjects were literally about problem-solving. While the other half is Science related. Which also covers numbers, by the way.”

“You mush be a genius then.” I sighed dreamily, all too amazed (and maybe a little envious) with people who had a brilliant mind like Yangyang. “You’re so perfect,” I spoke thoughtlessly.

Our silence was cut short when my phone blares, signaling an incoming call. I look at the caller ID and furrow my brows when I saw Mark hyung’s name flashing on the screen.

“Yes, hyung? What’s up?”

“ _Renjun-ah! Are you with Donghyuck right now?”_

The sound of hyung’s tone is enough for me to sit up straight, now more focused on the conversation. “No. I haven’t seen him since lunch, why?”

“ _I couldn’t get a hold of him. I don’t know where he is.”_

“Eh? Aren’t you with him?”

“ _Yeah but an hour ago he left to buy something at the convenience store. And now he’s still not here and he’s not answering his phone. I’m worried.”_

“Have you asked Jeno and Jaemin?” It is weird. Even if Donghyuck’s with those two (which is completely unnatural for him given that his excuse is to buy something at the convenience store, according to Mark), Donghyuck has no reason not to answer his phone.

“ _I have. They said the same thing.”_

“Hey hyung, calm down. Maybe you should wait for another ten minutes? You know Hyuck, he tends to get lost and distracted by the simplest things. There’s a chance he ran over someone he knew at the store and forgot about the time.”

“ _I don’t know, Jun. I’m just really worried right now. I should probably go follow him. I’ll hang up now.”_

I bit my lip and nodded despite Mark not seeing it. “Okay. But call me too once you had an update, okay? And please, scold Hyuck for me. Maybe slap him on the shoulders too for worrying us.”

“ _I will. Thanks. Bye, Jun.”_

When Mark hyung ended the call, I didn’t realize I have been staring at the space for a minute now. And it would’ve gone on if not for Yangyang flicking a finger right in front of my face, snapping me out my thoughts.

“Renjun, you okay?” he asked in a tone of worry.

I chewed the insides of my mouth and placed my phone back on the table. “Yeah. Just worried for Hyuck, that’s all.”

“Donghyuck? Why? What happened?”

I look at him. “He’s missing. Or at least that’s what Mark hyung told me. It’s probably just nothing. Donghyuck tends to worry us a lot in the past. A habit of his that never gets old.” I turned my book on the next page.

“Oh. Yeah well, you shouldn’t worry then. He’s probably okay.” Yangyang threw a smile in my direction.

I smiled back at him before going back to studying.

Unfortunately, the next morning, everything is but okay. The gruesome news that slaps me in the face right after waking up and answering a call from Jaemin.

_Donghyuck is in hospital._

The words blurred in my ears, I couldn’t understand half of what Jaemin was saying in between his hiccups. All I get is the name of the hospital where they currently are, the words car accident, along with _critical_. I’ve never left my bed as fast as this once I ended my call with Jaemin. I couldn't even manage a shower, only brushing my teeth at an incredible speed and changing into the first clothes I see.

“Renjun, it’s too early in the morning,” I heard Yangyang said in his sleepy voice while rubbing his eyes.

But I was too overwhelmed with the pressure and the _need_ to get in the hospital as soon as possible that I couldn’t bother to even apologize for disturbing my roommate’s sleep. “I’ll talk to you later, Yang, okay? I just had to go somewhere. Bye!”

I don’t even care anymore with the looks I was getting due to my poorly buttoned clothes and poorly tied laces. As well as the cab driver’s stolen glances from the rearview mirror. I know he was silently judging my messy hair right now but I’ve no time to comb when my best friend is out there fighting for his life. I do not know just what exactly is the status of his condition right now. The word critical coming from Jaemin is the only word to rang inside my head.

I even forgot to wait for my change due to a hurry. Once I step inside the large building, I had to hold myself from screaming at the nurse to hurry the fuck up.

“Lee Donghyuck is in the Emergency Room right now. It’s on the 10th floor.”

I didn’t need to listen further and took the frustratingly slow elevator (it’s not slow I admit, I’m just in a hurry). Once I get to the fourth floor, I sighed in relief. Knees almost giving out as I run to the familiar figures of my friends.

“Jaemin, Jeno, thank God. What happened?!” I said, a little out of breath.

“Renjun? What are you- Did you run?! Here, take a seat first. Have some water,” Jeno was the first to approach me, handing me a bottle of water that I received with a "Thanks".

“Rest for a while. Donghyuck’s still under the care of the doctors. They’re still observing his condition,” Jaemin pressed my hand gently.

I immediately shake my head in disapproval. “No. I don’t have time for a rest. How is Donghyuck? What happened?” My voice cracked in the middle.

Then Mark hyung approached us. Just like Jaemin, his eyes were red and puffy from crying. Though he tried to hide it, it was still obvious with his solemn expression and slumped back. “Hyung,” I gave him a hug. One that he responded with just as tight and firm.

Only when I hold him in my arms did I felt his trembling and the cover of cold sweat on his neck and palms.

“Hyung, it’s okay. Donghyuck will be okay. He’s strong, remember?” I rub his back.

“I don’t know Jun. I... The doctors said he lost so much blood. T-They had to revive him because he’s almost dead when they found his body on the road.”

I look at him. His swollen eyes now teary again that he had to turn away from us to wipe them. “What happened? I thought you found Donghyuck last night. I thought he was okay.”

Mark hyung shakes his head, sniffling. His voice was so inadequate and weak it’s almost painful to hear from someone like him. “He’s not. I was too late on the scene. But a stranger found him lying cold and lifeless in the middle of the road. And there’s so much blood. And then there are the sirens and all those signs and barricades. I didn’t exactly saw his body but I see what was left on the scene. There’s a puddle of blood. It’s too much, Jun. It’s like the road sucked him dry.”

“Ssshh, hey hyung. Calm down. Hyuck is here now. He’s being taken care of, okay? He would not like it if he sees you like this.” I hugged Mark hyung again. But not before glancing towards Jeno and Jaemin who are pretty much just in the same state as hyung. Jaemin crying at Jeno’s chest while Jeno tried to console him but Renjun knows damn well deep inside Jeno is suffering on his own too. After all, Donghyuck is his cousin.

And it’s just so painful. To look at my friends and see how they are slowly breaking inside. All while knowing that one of them is inside these rooms, fighting between life and death. I had to swallow my own tears too and give myself strength because I know no one would. Because I know I had to provide strength for the others too.

“They said it’s a car accident. Some heartless fucker probably hit Donghyuck and then ran away like the coward that he is. If Donghyuck was only brought in early. Oh God, what if Donghyuck was _never_ brought in? He would die and I would lose him and...”

“Hyung, stop thinking like that. The important thing is Donghyuck’s here. Someone found him. And if no one did, I’m sure you would have,” I cup Mark hyung’s face.

“But then it would be too late...”

I shake my head firmly. “No, you wouldn’t.”

Our conversation was cut off when a doctor followed by a few couple of nurses come out from the emergency room. We all stand, ready to bombard the doctor with questions regarding Donghyuck’s case. However, he beat us to it. One look and I can already say it was not a good news he was about to tell.

“Family of Lee Donghyuck?”

“Yeah, well, I’m his cousin,” Jeno answers.

“Right.” The doctor fixed his glasses. “The patient has suffered from serious bone fractures. Especially his spinal cord, who received most of the damage from the accident. His hipbones, legs, even his arms, those three could be completely paralyzed. I couldn’t give any exact hypothesis for now regarding his case. Of course, we still need to examine everything once he wakes up. That is if he does.”

“What- What are you talking about, doctor?”

“All I’m saying is, we tried to revive Donghyuck at least two times when he’s brought in. Truth is, its a miracle how the boy survived such hit. His heart has completely stopped when we checked him. There’s a lot of blood loss and broken bones and muscles. But other than that, his head also received a major blow. Thus, we had to perform surgery to remove the forming of blood clots in his brain. However, we cannot guarantee how long before he wakes up from his state of coma. And even if he did, expect to detect changes from the patient. For now, we could only hope and pray that he will. But he’s a strong kid, he fought through it all so I’m sure he’ll keep fighting until the end.”

The doctor tried to cheer us up after spouting such grave news. As if it could do anything to ease our worry. As if it could magically erase and change the whole situation.

Mark had completely lost his energy to stand up, plopping down on the chair. While Jeno hugged Jaemin tight. I was left looking at the closed door from where Donghyuck is currently sleeping, with all types of laboratory equipment and machines surrounding his lifeless body.

“If you need a copy of the patient’s x-ray, it’ll be out in a few days. I suggest you meet me after five or six days from now so I can explain fully well the patient’s condition. And also so you could prepare yourself for whatever possibilities this accident could cause. You can meet me in my office at any time for further questions.”

The doctor was long gone, and still, I remained standing on this spot. Jeno and Jaemin hugged me from behind. This time, I let my tears fall.

‘ _Donghyuck...’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh... sorry? :/ 
> 
> \- sungchan


End file.
